She opened the door of the apartment where we had made a life together, her eyes steady, but ready to fill with tears. She knew that I had something to tell her, but I had refused to say what in our phone call last night. I had separated the month before and moved into a friend's apartment. She had a pretty good idea of what was coming, but it was hard to believe. I could hardly believe it myself. My suit felt stiff and uncomfortable; my heart was lead in my belly. My mind was whirling with excitement and exhiliration. It was agony; it was ecstasy.

It was November 1997 -- Bill Clinton had been president for ten months. The stock market had crashed days before because of a global economic scare, but had come back the following day to gain a record number of points and for the first time ever one billion shares had been traded on the New York Stock Exchange. Though our relationship was contentious, I loved my wife. I also loved my six year old son without reservation. How could I rip out their hearts?

Coming out of the closet is a process, not a moment in time. And yet, there are the moments. There was the ecstasy: times when I came out joyously and exultantly. There was the agony: times when I came out shamefully and against my will. Some of the moments are glorious, as when I went out into the street dressed in a skirt for the first time, rejoicing like a prisoner who had been let out of solitary after thirty-five years. Everything looked new: the steam escaping from the hot dog vendor's cart as he put the frankfurter on the bun, the construction workers descending into the manhole with monster-sized tools, even the stacks of commercial garbage on the curb awaiting the sanitation workers.

Continue reading "Coming out: the agony and the ecstasy" »


iPhone users: Click to watch

Like many here, I've come out in numerous ways over the years--among them, lesbian, bisexual, FtM, and queer--and like many, I realize that coming out is an ongoing, constant, life-time process. It never ends.

But today on Coming Out Day, 2008, I'm going to veer off in a different direction.

Continue reading "Coming out for Maddow" »

As I said yesterday, to me coming out is a process. You have to do it over and over again in a variety of contexts. My coming out to my friends was easy as I talked about yesterday, and it even provided one of the "legends" within our circle of friends.

I present to you, "The Legend of the Spring Form Pan."

Continue reading "Continuing to Come Out..." »

Has anyone noticed how all the political pundits on the mainstream news electiontrains.jpgare crediting Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Pailn for boosting Obama's numbers? SNL has such good ratings that NBC has launched a prime time series on Thursdays that showcases the best of their political skits! All of this implies that Sarah Palin is just a train wreck. Which is why it surprises me that Palin isn't pandering to the gays. You know we love a train wreck! (Brittney Spears? Amy Winehouse? Lindsey Lohan?)

Anyhoo, here's your weekly roundup, including our best coverage for LGBTQ History Month.

Sunday
Hello - Liberty is a Pagan Goddess - Patricia Nell Warren
Class in Drag or Who's Middle Class Anyway? - Yasmin Nair
EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Obama's Deputy Campaign Manager - Waymon Hudson

Monday
Catholic Priest Defies Church Over Anti-Gay Ballot Initiative - Karen Ocamb
Homophobia: The Other Conservative Solution to the Financial Crisis - Alex Blaze
The Real Impact of Florida's Amendment 2 - Anthony Niedwiecki

Tuesday
Oct. 7, 1998: Matthew Shepard Found, Let's Find the Others Now - Cathy Renna
LGBT Hate Crimes Timeline - Terrance Heath
My Faith Compels Me - Bishop Mahee

Wednesday
Two Videos to Fight "That's So Gay" - Alex Blaze
Father Geoffrey Farrow, My Hat is Off to You - Father Tony
Mayor Naugle of Fort Lauderdale Spews More Anti-Gay Hate - Waymon Hudson

Thursday
LGBT History Month: A Tale of Old-time Montana - Patricia Nell Warren
J.R. Warren, Matthew Shepard and a Link of Hope - Cathy Renna

Friday
Connecticut Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage - Alex Blaze
The Impact of Matthew Shepard - Guest Blogger Greg Varnum

Oh, and speaking of train wrecks, here's some advice to Sarah Palin from everyone's favorite train wreck - Paris Hilton!

Updated after the jump

Editor's Note: Jim Toevs was a member of the founding Board of Directors, and is a past President of The Pride Foundation of Seattle. In 1990, he co-founded the International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission, (IGLHRC) with Roman Kalinin and Julie Dorf. jim1.jpgIn 1992, Jim was the Democratic nominee for Congress against then-closeted Arizona Congressman Jim Kolbe, garnering 77,000 votes- which at that time was the most votes ever received by a gay non-incumbent gay person running for Congress. Jim has presented his workshop, "Your Money and Your Life" to three Gill Foundation Outgiving Conferences. He resides in Hot Springs, Montana and Alamos, Sonora, Mexico.

Twenty-one years ago, on the occasion of the first National Coming Out Day, October 11, 1987, I was one of three LBGT folks featured, with photo, on the front page of USA Today in an article written by Craig Wilson. At that time, I was a founding member of the Board of Directors of the Pride Foundation, and Vice-President of Corporate Real Estate for Seattle-First National Bank, living with my then-partner in Seattle

Every year since then, I have looked for the opportunity to "take my next step" in the coming out process.

Continue reading "Coming Out as a Gay Montana Redneck for Obama" »

I know that today is National Coming Out Day. I understand the need to commemorate this act in a lot of peoples lives, and to offer a community support for those people still going through it. However, I see coming out as a journey, not a destination. Honestly, my journey has been relatively easy, so I share these stories only to offer hope to people that are worried about coming out that it may not be as bad as you are thinking.

I am lucky, I know. My coming out journey was pretty simple once I started it. The only real hurdle I faced in coming out was how long I waited to do it.

Continue reading "The Coming Out Journey Begins..." »

I've come out as so many things over the years. Bisexual, queer, trans, kinky, poly -- not to mention the odd identity shifts through a dozen different related identities. Sometimes I'm left feeling as if there's nothing left to come out as. But the reality is there is one more thing. Something that I've been quietly discussing in certain places, but too afraid to discuss openly, in a google-able forum such as this. But today that changes.

Today, I'm going to talk about sex work.

Continue reading "What's left to come out as..." »

Today is National Coming Out Day, the day we encourage and celebrate our community coming out and living life out and proud. Since I wrote about my personal coming out story last year, I wanted to really take a different approach to this year's post:

Coming out is a constant part of life in our community.

While I may have "officially" come out years ago to myself and my loved ones, it has become increasingly apparent to me that coming out never stops. Ever. Every day I find little moments when I have to say or do something to let people know that I'm gay.

Continue reading "National Coming Out Day: An Every Day Celebration" »

Public discussions around sexuality evoke simplistic narratives about gays versus conservatives. We automatically assume that anything gay is part of a leftist or progressive agenda. In this context, National Coming Out Day takes on the aura of a sacred rite of passage for an entire nation, a way to prove that its collective self is tolerant towards its lesbians, gays, bisexual, and transgender citizens (LGBT).

Well, I'm an out queer lesbian who sleeps with men. Clearly, there isn't a place for me in that acronym. But that's not my real problem with National Coming Out Day.

Continue reading "Why I won't Come Out on National Coming Out Day" »

In most of my childhood, I felt extreme loneliness, even when with those who loved me. robertG.jpgIt is possible when you are desperate to believe two opposed ideas when the outcome gives pleasure beyond all that you had ever known. Any justification makes sense if the result is pleasure.

In the body of the average twelve year old boy lays a bottomless pit of unquenched desire for pleasure denied. When my younger cousin, also twelve, came to me with the desire to service my pleasure it began a very discreet four year affair. As we lived in neighboring towns it could only be fulfilled on weekends but, as our parents were godparents to us both, we saw one another every weekend. He knows that he initiated the affair, just as he later ended it in favor of the woman who would become his first wife. Yet, as we could love, we were puppy dog in love with one another.

"Was this a phase?" I asked myself when it ended in 1969.

Continue reading "Coming Out and the Revolving Door" »

Editor's Note: We bumped this back up to make sure everyone got involved in Bilerico-Florida!

Get out your sunscreen and flip-flops, Projectors! The Bilerico Project is heading to the Sunshine State of Florida! We are happy to now offer LGBTQ Floridians and their allies a place to read about queer news, politics, culture, and life- Bilerico-Florida!

new_gay_florida_nvy9.gifFlorida is an important battleground state and it's high time to shine a queer ray of light on the state! With the Presidential elections (and Florida's spotty election history), the upcoming "Marriage Protection" Amendment to the state constitution, history-making out LGBT Candidates running for all levels of office, the continuing fight for trans-rights, and much more, Florida is a place to watch for the entire LGBT community!

Right now on Bilerico-Florida, we have an exclusive interview with Steve Hildebrand, the Deputy Campaign Manager for the Obama Campaign and the highest ranking gay staffer for the campaign. We talk about everything from LGBT voter outreach to Anti-Gay Marriage Amendments to a fully-inclusive ENDA. You don't want to miss it! And, of course, what kind of Bilerico launch wouldn't have contests to give away lots of cool queer stuff?

Be sure to come on over, say hello, and get involved in the discussion! There is a lot of great new content and amazing new contributors you won't find on TBP, so even if you don't live in Florida there is something for you! Be sure to sign up for our RSS feed or get the daily digest delivered directly into your inbox so you don't miss a thing!

You can also add us as a friend on MySpace and join our FaceBook group! So spread the word, send us suggestions and news stories, and become part of the Bilerico-Florida family!

There is no bigger pleasure than hearing Leah, Zuleikha, and myself screaming chants on FemmeCast. Check out Episode 5 to hear some of my best & brilliant friends shark-sharking it up.

(I also make a tiny little cameo as an early-adapter shark -- but most of what you hear from me is just chanting.)

Also -- MANGOS WITH CHILI Queer Borderlands Tour! Opening TONIGHT in San Francisco, and touring the Southwest for the next two weeks!

The Bilerico Project Archives