The Indianapolis Business Journal recently ran a satirical column by Bruce Hetrick that is absolutely outstanding. I don't often read the IBJ, but this piece was pointed out to me by a Grassroots participant and it's too good to pass up. While I try not to quote too much of an article, this time I'm going to go a little long because, literally, you gotta see this. Be sure to click through for the whole piece.
Hi. Big Brother here. You know me: Mr. Government-Knows-Best,
I realize I'm not popular in these Hoosier parts. I know I've failed to mandate the use of motorcycle helmets. Failed to mandate the use of safety belts in trucks. Failed to stop you from smoking up that old Chevy Malibu with your little munchkin ridin' shotgun.
Granted, after decades of futility, I finally conned you into daylight-saving time. But that was an aberration. And you're not happy about it. And a huge percentage of you opted out, anyway.
More typical of your Hoosier resistance to regulation: You have the second-highest smoking rate in the nation and the heart disease, cancer and death rate to show for it. But you won't even consider joining Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Montana, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Utah, Vermont and Washington in passing a statewide smoke-free workplace law.
But there is one issue where you love me, baby. One topic where even you government-be-damned, you're-not-the-bossof-me Hoosier masses crave Big Brother's meddling.
On that issue, you dig discrimination. You clamor to keep folks different from you quietly closeted.
Hypocritical as it may seem, all you members of the none-of-your-business, anti-bureaucracy crowd beg me to regulate the lives and loves of one infinitesimal subset of humanity.
And it's not the rapists. Not the spouseabusers. Not the sex offenders. Not the child-molesters. Not the deadbeat parents. Not the polluters. Not the puppy-killers. Not the murderers, muggers, drunks or thieves.
Nope, the ones you want me to rein in are men who have sex with men and women who have sex with women. For when it comes to this horrible, terrible, devious, dangerous threat to humanity and the planet, you love to have Big Brother dictate who can love whom, and under what circumstances and whether we even speak of such salaciousness.