Sean, why is fag hag limited to just straight wimmin? I'm a dyke who LUVS me some gay boys . . . Just ask Alex! I'm the biggest hag I know.

I think the more perplexing quandry is what to call a (typically gay) man who hangs out with lesbians. I've heard dyke tyke, but that's just stupid.

That's funny you should mention that Serena - my best friend is a lesbian. She and her partner are probably who Jerame and I hang out with most. I just call us "friends." :)

But I do agree that "fag hag" just isn't quite right; I've thought that for a while and tended not to use it regularly with any straight women friends. I can live with "flame dame." (And it rhymes!)

Two observations:

(1) I don't know if Bil and Alex and the rest of the Bilerico family will agree with this, but one reason I like Bilerico is that many here have indicated that they take language usage seriously ... but also not too seriously. Is it ever proper to use the n-word for a black person, or the f-word for a gay man? When is the word "queer" OK, and when is it not OK? These are important questions, because the way we speak influences the way we think, and the way we think determines what humans do with their lives.

So, Steve, please don't feel like you need to apologize because your post "isn't about politics, current events or celebrities." It's about language, and language is culture, and culture is one of the things that make us uniquely human and connects us with each other. In short, it's damn important, and totally worthy of discussion.

(2) One reason why finding a better term than "fag hag" is so problematic is that there are very few truly respectful terms for gay men --- and the ones that do exist tend to be specialized, such as "guppy" (still a bit disparaging), "bear" (a particular physical type of gay man), etc. Before we can solve the "fag hag" question, the totally acceptable terms for gay men need to be identified and/or expanded.

It just occurred to me that if "queer" is an OK term for a gay man, then maybe a woman whose best friends are gay men might be a "queer dear" --- it rhymes, it is affectionate toward the woman ... but it's a bit square, and somehow I doubt that it will catch on.

Ooops! I meant Sean, not Steve! Excusé moi, s'il-vous-plaît

Thanks for posting this because I've actually wondered about it for some time. My question is, why does there need to be a name at all? I do understand the unifying effect that group or team names can have, but it seems to me that "fag hag" is demeaning to both parties. It makes the woman seem very shallow to me--like the ONLY reason she likes the gay man is because he's gay--not because he's funny, kind, intelligent, witty, or whatever other traits he might have that make her like him and want to spend time with him. It also seems to demean the man in question because it makes it sound like he's not really someone likeable except that he's gay. Of course, I'm the type of person who resists labels and stereotypes of any kind because most of them end up being used in a derogatory manner, so it is hard for me to understand why you would want to create yet another label to apply to your friends. Am I missing the point or over-analyzing?

Queer dear! I like that!

Haley, I think the reason that this is an important question is because while heteronormative relationships have labels, queer relationships don't. And that is one way that people are able to minimize our community. If there's no word to describe something, it's easier to say it doesn't exist. There's no word for queer love. Therefore, we are incapable of love and consequently less than human.

I am a BIG BELIEVER in the concept of chosen family. I think it's what allowed us to survive the early days of the AIDS epidemic. My best friend and I had a really long talk about this one time. We are family, but what word do we have for each other? Because friend just isn't enough to describe the way I love him. And brother isn't right. We decided on "my petite ami." He is my heart, my special love. And yes, I am the hag to his fag.

But queer dear. I do like it!

Thank you all for your comments. I guess it was worthy of discussion. Hugs to you all. Queer Dear is very cute.