I want to note this, so I've got a record.
I had a moment this last week of making some connections between my sexual assault/abuse history and how my eating disorders have operated over the years. I started to, literally, physically, feel a big shift in my body. In how I move, in how I eat, in how I experience hunger, and in how generally embodied and present I feel in my body. It feels weird to write about this in such a breezy way, because it kind of bonked me on the head, and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed there for a couple days...
But, none of it feels bad. It feels pretty awesome, actually. I feel like this one last assault -- the last time I was sexually assaulted, a few years ago -- has left my body. I'm still amazed at how much I was carrying it around. It's like I didn't notice this thing living in me until it left. My body and my spirit feel so much lighter. It's so right for this to be gone now.
Perhaps relatedly --
I did a scene with some very sweet lovers/friends a few nights ago where I let myself cry, and it felt... happy. I don't generally cry when I bottom, and the only times I've cried during sex and play have generally been when I've felt freaked out and have started dissociating. But this crying felt okay, and actually very necessary to the scene. I felt connected to what was happening the entire time.
What an absolute gift. What a blessing our bodies are when we're really in them.