I have been seeing my lover for over a year now. She's smart, she's loving, she's everything I could hope for in a girlfriend, but she's really passive. She never verbally disagrees with me and always asks me to make decisions, she is also sexually passive, and she leaves it to me to make all the moves. She is a self-declared butch bottom whereas I am femme and more switchy, but I hate having to initiate everything socially and sexually and it's destroying something very special. I know she suffers from depression and I wonder if this is a part of it. I'm also quite an assertive dominant personality in some ways, but that's just a front. And sometimes I wonder if that's what she fell for in me, the front, rather than the real me, which I attempt to show her. I've never been very good at long-term relationships and now I fear that this is going to be another that fails. I need more passion in my life though.
-- Cherry Lips-orama
Bait and switch
Miss Cherry Lips,
In a nutshell I'm hearing you say that you hooked yourself a gal by being something that you're not, and you're now growing concerned about the lacking passion that seems to be evaporating as you attempt to reveal your "real" self. Some people call that the ole "bait and switch." I'm guessing that your passive butch gal may also be disappointed, don't you think?
So here's my suggestion. Tell her how you feel. Explain to her what you've explained to me. Then tell her specifically what you want from her. If you are interested in salvaging this relationship, she'll need to know what's going on. She can't fix what she doesn't know is broken. If she remains passive, and continues to appear depressed, ask that she talk to someone about how she's feeling, or consider going to couples counseling with her - that'll get you talking.
Whatever you do, try a different approach this time around. Understand what's causing what before you decide to throw the towel in, so if there needs to be a "next time," you know how to do it differently.
Michele O'Mara, LCSW