Alex Blaze

Bush nominates first practicing, closeted homosexual to Secretary of State

Filed By Alex Blaze | September 14, 2007 3:14 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: closet cases, Condoleezza Rice, Exodus International Ministries, George W. Bush, Glenn Kessler, Log Cabin Republicans, Michelangelo Signorile, Mike Rogers, Patrick Sammon, satire

Everyone erupts in baseless speculation

WASHINGTON - The Washington Post's diplomatic correspondent, Glenn Kessler, has reported facts in his new book, The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy, that may answer the widespread speculation over the Secretary of State's closeted sexual orientation.

In a recent discussion with gay radio host Michelangelo Signorile, Kessler related knowledge of Rice's purchase of a home with another woman and their sharing of a line of credit. Kessler says, "She has built a wall of privacy around her that is never breached."

These facts, as well as many others, both real and made-up, confirm that President George W. Bush has nominated the first closeted homosexual to Secretary of State.

"This is really a bold move on the president's part and will definitely advance the rights of closeted homosexuals everywhere," says the executive director of Closets Are for People Honey, a national advocacy group for the advancement of closeted homosexuals, who spoke to TBP on the condition of anonymity. "Being a closeted homosexual can make a person feel very alone, but knowing that one of us can rise to the office of Secretary of State is an affirming experience."

"Too bad none of my friends or family members know that I'm the executive director of a national advocacy group, and please don't tell them," she added.

Mike Rogers, earlier noted by the Washington Post as the "most feared man on the hill" because of his high-profile disclosures of gay Republicans' sexuality, said, "We need to get these closeted gays who work against our rights out in the open. Her work as Secretary of State for one of the most homophobic presidents of this century has only helped to legitimize his gay-bashing policies. She's a hypocrite, and people have a right to know about her status as a closeted lesbian."

He also noted that "this one's all" his and that he's known about Rice "forever, but no one's paid attention."

Reactions from the right have been diverse and mixed. In a statement released by the Log Cabin Republicans, a group of openly gay Republican partisans, LCR director Patrick Sammon applauded the new-found gay-friendliness of the Bush Administration.

"This evidence proves what we've known for a long time: that the Republican Party is returning to its roots of equality and small government that were established by president Lincoln. We're happy to find that, like much of our constituency, Secretary Rice identifies as a professionally closeted homosexual and I'm sure will continue to make the Bush Administration a beacon of light for closeted gay and lesbian rights around the globe."

Melissa Coffey, board chair of Exodus International, is also pleased to find out about the Secretary's closeted status. In a telephone interview with TBP, Coffey noted, "It is Exodus's position that the fewer people Condoleezza tells about her sexuality, the better it will be for both her and homosexuals all over America. They don't need her as an example of someone who's 'proud' or 'happy' because homosexuals are not happy. I would prefer for her to be even more closeted and not even acknowledge her homosexuality herself. But, when you're us, you take the victories you can get."

When asked if Exodus International has ever treated Rice to help her overcome her homosexual attractions, Coffey stated that her group could not disclose information on patients in their treatment and that they don't technically treat anyone at all.

"But I wouldn't mind getting that Secretary of State in here, though. Imagine her face on Beyonce's body. Mmmmmmmm. Oh, Condi, my soft butch-" Coffey then hung up on TBP.

Most Americans do not know enough about Rice's closeted status to develop an opinion. A recent Gallup poll found that 1% of Americans support Rice being a closeted lesbian, 2% said that it was "against their core beliefs", 20% said they were unsure of what they thought because they didn't know she was a closeted homosexual, with the remaining 77% of respondents not knowing what a Secretary of State was.

Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church plan to protest this revelation by picketing every US embassy and consulate that Rice has ever entered. They've started a new website as a result of this revelation at www.godhatesamericanforeignpolicyandthestatedepartment.com.


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I know you're off to France soon but are you channeling Voltaire? *grins* Great post, Alex.

This is great!! I needed this to start my day on the right foot!

Thanks!