Storm Bear

Cheney: The Real Story About His Heart

Filed By Storm Bear | November 27, 2007 9:02 AM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: Al Gore, Dick Cheney, gay cartoons and comics, humorous blog post, linux, Microsoft, open source, politics, project bluebook, ufo, webcomics


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Dick Cheney died many years ago. The figure we see today as Dick Cheney is simply the reanimated organic portal that is kept alive by the constant tweaking and upgrading of his underlying hardware. The hardware itself has become problematic of late. Originally the Cheney Avatar was built on a reversed engineered construct developed in Area 51, at the Groom Lake facility in Nevada. Using spare parts from downed UFOs, obtained during the Project Bluebook days, Cheney was kept running with minor adjustments.

However, the reversed engineered UFO parts was not as good as the real thing since the Cheney Avatar kept breaking down with alarming frequency! After the Groom Lake facility ran out of spare UFO parts, drastic measures were undertaken over the last few weeks with decidedly mixed results. The Cheney Avatar was going to be upgraded with a UNIX operating system to make more peripherals available to the avatar: web cams, microphones, USB enabled waterboarding device, etc. But since Apple is the largest distributor of Unix operating systems and since Al Gore sits on the Board of Apple, Rove's demands for idealogical purity forced Groom Lake engineers to look to Redmond for a solution.

That is when things went wrong. Early Monday morning, the 26th of November, Microsoft Vista was installed in the Cheney Avatar and the Fatherboard (Sieg Heil) was woefully underpowered to handle the corporate bloat. Emergency measures were enacted and it is reported the Cheney Avatar is back at work this morning and all is well.

All is well except for the USB enabled waterboard device. Thank God the driver is incompatible.


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Storm, I heard a slightly different version of this rumor.

According to my (unreliable) sources, it is not entirely correct to say that "Dick Cheney died many years ago." Actually, what happened (supposedly) was that his heart and several other undisclosed internal organs failed, and he was outfitted with what might be called a "walking perfusion column" --- specifically, his brain, face and upper torso are still the originals, but the internal viscera, for the most part, have been replaced with very sophisticated electro-mechanical life-support devices. In other words, he is a real-life version of the "Six-Million Dollar Man" --- except that the expense of all this patching and upgrading far, far exceeds six million dollars, all of which, by the way, was originally footed by Halliburton, but was later charged to the US Government under an obscure line item in the national budget that says simply "miscellaneous national security expenses."

So, the report that reaches me is that his brain, head and upper torso are being perfused by a mixture of real Dick Cheney blood (produced by artificially cultured original Dick Cheney bone marrow, in a secret lab in the underground basements of the NIH, at enormous national expense), a secret Chinese-manufactured florocarbonated blood substitute, a pinch of Red Dye No. 2 (for making his lips and cheekbones nice and rosy), and an essential extract that can only be obtained through a secret re-factoring process from pure, unrefined crude oil ... lots of it! This petroleum-based extract, which requires hundreds of barrels of crude just to extract a few cubic centimeters, is mandatory because it is the only thing that keeps his mental faculties lucid (relatively speaking, of course). Supposedly it is a strategic cholesterol analog that his brain cells need after decades of living on Kentucky Fried Chicken, but unfortunately it is not present in Kentucky Fried Chicken itself --- and that fact alone is the only thing that keeps the price of chicken in American groceries below the price of lobster tails.

And once we have that part of the picture, and the fact that Cheney's heart failure took place before the Spring of 2003, we now see how this Top-Secret Six Million Dollar (And Then Some) Project has adversely affected the military policy of our country.

As for the computer-controlled servomechanisms that keep this collection of life-support structures in homeostatic balance, reportedly there has been an internal power struggle between the Government Technology Office and the NIH about whether to standardize on --- and here, Storm, your version fits in perfectly --- Windows or Unix. (Early in this game, IBM is alleged to have submitted a minority Response To Proposal that they should switch to OS/400 --- after all, OS/400 is entirely object-oriented, and Dick Cheney is probably one of the most object-oriented humans walking the face of the earth.) More recently, there has been a contentious battle about whether to migrate to a dual-core 64-bit platform, or to go with a more loosely coupled multi-processor wolfpack clustering configuration --- and of course the Cheney robo-human has himself been insisting on the Wolfpack approach, because, if extended to its logical ultimate design, would allow him to hide in multiple secret bunkers at the same time, providing potential component redundancy that would eventually render him essentially --- you guessed it --- immortal.

So, in the end, Dick Cheney is actually an easy to understand, simple man who doesn't ask for much in life --- all he wants is just immortality and an entire planet of his own.

But in the meantime ... W.M.D. my ass! ... It's the oil, stupid! ... And if our Vice President seems heartless --- well, it's because he is!

Fantastic and no doubt scientifically-possible explanation for Dick Cheney's behavior. I think I'll go with the "flesh and blood jerk" theory, though.