Dear Mr. Bob Allen,
I hear that you're in some legal trouble lately. You just got found guilty of soliciting prostitution in Florida after you asked an undercover cop if you could give him a blow job for $20. You keep on saying, "I certainly wasn't there to have sex with anybody and certainly wasn't there to exchange money for it."
Your court testimony says "no", Bob, but the verdict says "yes". Don't worry, I'm cool. But why didn't you come to me first?
You got yourself into quite a mess looking for love in all the wrong places, Bob. Your coworkers want to get you fired now, even though state law doesn't provide for expelling a representative for a misdemeanor. Those other boys, well, they're not like me; some of them are cops. The next time you feel the need, don't go to them. I won't kiss and tell.
$20? I've had sex for less. In fact, that'll be about $20 more than I usually get. I know, I know, I'm blushing. But I'm just a sucker for a state representative who works as hard as you do to ban the very public sex that you love. And closeted, schmoseted. I won't rearrange your tiaras while I'm in there
All I ask is that you treat me nicely. Maybe a couple minutes of cuddling in the bathroom stall after we're finished? Maybe you could give me a ride home? Maybe we could stop on the way for a handjob in a parking lot? I've always been quite the romantic.
I hear that a few of your friends are getting in the same sort of trouble. Here's my suggestion: I know that you all do a lot of toe tapping, so why don't you toe-tap my phone number in Morse Code to those other boys? "For a good time, call Alex...." Well, I don't know Morse code, but I'm sure an enterprising state representative like you could find out how to do it.
Because I worry about you, Bob. You take risks like these and they come back to bite you. The worst that's ever happened to me was I had to stop for ice cream on the way home, the hook-up left me so sad. That's nothing compared to what's happened to you!
You need love, and whether you get it from some who cares, like me, or try to get it from a cop, you're going to try to get it no matter what. It's just the way things have worked out for you. Try to pass all the laws you want on the matter, the most you can do is make people be secretive about it.
Because I won't tell on you. Your secrets are safe with me. I'm cool, Bob.