Serena Freewomyn

She's Just Not That Into You

Filed By Serena Freewomyn | January 30, 2008 9:20 AM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Living
Tags: dating, lesbians, relationships, Sex and the City

A couple of years ago, the gals of Sex and the City learned a valuable lesson: sometimes, "he's just not that into you."

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SATC writer Greg Behrendt eventually decided to write an entire book on the subject, which he aptly titled He's Just Not That Into You. I read the book and found it highly entertaining, and for a long time I've been wanting to write my own book for straight dudes and lesbians alike called She's Just Not That Into You. But seeing as it's a tough job to find a publisher, and, quite frankly, I think there are a lot of lesbians out there who need this advice ASAP, I'm cutting out the middle person and offering the advice FOR FREE, right here on Bilerico.

What, you might ask, makes me qualified to dish out this kind of advice? Especially when Michelle and Fannie are the regular advice columnists around here? I've only been in 2 "relationships," but I've dated a lot of women. I am decidedly not a U-Haul lesbian. I am by no means as awesome as Shane, but I can definitely give you some insight into the mind of a player. (OK, I'm not as big of a player as I purport to be. I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Katherine Moennig. MEOW!)

1. If she doesn't return your phone calls, she's just not that into you. It seems obvious enough, but a lot of lesbians just don't get this. Yes, there are times in life when people get busy. But if I'm into a girl, I'll make time to call her. If you've left a woman a message and a week later you haven't gotten a call back, you won't be getting a phone call. So stop calling the bitch and move on. Because she's just not that into you.

2. But she gave me her phone number. That must mean she's interested, right? Think again. If I give someone my phone number, it simply means that I'm leaving my options open. If a woman calls me, I always have the option of screening the call (thank God for caller ID), and I always have the option of telling her I'm not interested in going out. Yes, digits are a good thing, but they're not a sure sign of success.

3. "I've been really busy" is just code for "she's just not that into you." Even when I'm slammed because I'm going to school and working two jobs, I'll find time for the women I'm interested in. We might not have an actual date on the books for over 2 weeks, but I'll at least send a short text message in the interim to stoke the fires. If she doesn't have time for you, she's just not that into you. Move on.

4. "I don't want to ruin the friendship" is also code for "she's just not that into you." There seems to be a trend of lesbians banging their friends and/or remaining friends with their exes, especially in the 20-something crowd. I've never been a big fan of that because I'm a firm believer in boundaries. But here's a little tip. If you've got a mad crush on your friend and you tell her that you'd like to be more than friends, "I don't want to ruin the friendship" means exactly that and you need to move on. Don't hold your breath waiting for her to fall in love with you. Find a gal who's just as into you as you are her.

5. Making out with you at the bar doesn't necessarily mean that she's into you. We all have drunken moments of affection in our lives. But making out doesn't automatically mean we're going to be going out. Don't be surprised if the "hot chick" you made out with last weekend doesn't recognize you the next time you see her at the bar. If it takes time for her to remember your face/name, she's just not that into you. Move on.

I have a lot of other nuanced examples, but I think it all comes back to this: If a woman is into you, she'll let you know. There are no "mixed signals" or complicated messages you need to decipher. When someone doesn't return your interest, don't agonize over it. Just move on. Because my brother rightly summed it up the other day when he said, "Women are like trains. There's another one coming along in ten minutes." He's developmentally delayed, but even he's smart enough to figure it out. I pass his sage advice onto you, ladies.


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Thank God that men are far less complicated. (-:

Making out with you at the bar doesn't necessarily mean that she's into you.

Not so complicated with the boys - dude, it was just sex! Stop calling!

Being a lesbian seems awesome. Sometimes I wish I were one.

Believe me Alex, being a lesbian is awesome.

"If she doesn't return your phone calls..."

I know that woman, and I wish she would get the hint!
Perhaps she reads Bilerico . . .

"If she doesn't return your phone calls..."

I know that woman, and I wish she would get the hint!
Perhaps she reads Bilerico . . .

Sorry for the multiple posts, my browser froze so I refreshed the page.

Admit it, antigeny, you just couldn't stop calling, er, I mean, commenting. *grins*

Great post, Serena. :)