Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, nobody's laughing now...

    — Emo (I think)

An ancient archealogical dig uncovered what they believe to be the first ever womans makeup compact. So they gave it back to Joan Rivers.

How do you know the designer of the human body was NOT a civil engineer? Because we know better than to run a sewer system through a recreational area.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

-What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

-The taste!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom; I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too Larry-Craig-y so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an asshole in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cause 7 8 9.

Two cannibals are sitting in the jungle eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"