That *is* an exciting day! I wouldn't feel too bad about not knowing about your friend's internal gender struggles. In my experience, some people who later identify as transsexual are completely horrified by the thought earlier on. They do everything possible to hide it and be "normal", and if anyone notices anything different about their gender, it shames them and drives them deeper into the closet. I was like that. So it is entirely possible that, if you *had* noticed, and had, perish the thought, said something "encouraging," your friend might have flipped out. So I wouldn't be so quick to get down on yourself. And how lucky your friend is to have you now. Supportive friends like you are going to be *very* important in the coming days and years.

Expanding on Jill's thoughts, try to make note of the number of MTFs who tried to 'hide it' with facial hair.

Growing up, I was mistaken for a girl 99% of the time. My solution? As soon as hair started appearing on my face I let it stay there. So, of course, the one time I had a job that mandated no facial hair I was miserable - and *not* merely because it was at a fast-food place - and scared. It took almost a decade after *that* for me to actually begin the physical transition process.

Pass along my best wishes to your friend.

I think "trans-dar" is different from "gay-dar," Ellen. I'm the transitioner in question, and I would hope (at least I used to hope) that I had buried every single trace of what I felt was a horrible secret, and probably would have been mortified if you had asked me, during one of our wonderful get-togethers on the plains, "Say, boyname, I bet you're transgendered. Am I right?"

I sort of wish you had, though -- 'cause I feel I skipped lots of great conversations and love and sharing and all sorts of authentic interactions with you because of it.

Darling, I think this is the beginning (or the re-beginning) of a beautiful friendship.

Joyce

Goddess speed your daughter, Ellen, and you, too, Joyce.

"Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I'm born again, you're gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you
As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it's hard to travel on
But holdin' to each other, we don't have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly." - lyrics and music by Dolly Parton

Hi Joyce! Welcome to Bilerico! And thanks Jillian and Kat for your thoughtful and supportive comments. I realize that I'm having a pretty darn complicated reaction to learning about you, Joyce.

There's a soupcon of professional pride being tweaked (this is the most mortifying admission, so I thought I'd get it out of the way first.) It goes something like this: I write about LGBT issues! I teach about them! How could I have missed it?

There's some tristesse about the conversations we could have been having on those long evenings out under the stars.

I'm also awestruck and humbled by your courage to make such a radical change in your life. I lack courage, sometimes, and consequently I admire it all the more in others.

I'm really proud of your wife for deciding to take this ride with you. I realize that my being proud implies a kind of ownership of her actions that doesn't belong to me, but really, this big old grin keeps breaking out on my face every time I think about it.

And finally, I'm just so angry that you've had to carry around this tremendous burden for your whole life. I'm angry that we live in a world that polices gender and sexuality so adamantly that people who transgress one or both boundaries feel ashamed of who they are. These aren't new emotions for me, of course, but your revelation has brought them back with a fresh ferocity.

And I'm still jealous of the cheekbones...

To have someone in your corner, showing care and love is a powerful thing. For a child it is the brick an mortar that builds a strong life. And for some one transitioning it is a support to keep every foundation from caving in.

For most transitioning, particularly MtF's, the lost of family, career, and friends is almost 100%. When someone who suddenly discovers the truth and not only accepts, but embraces Transsexuality and the decision to transition, the effect can be life saving. And yes, most people would never have guessed or had a clue. One day it just comes as a surprise, transition, or a lost tooth.

I second that hearty welcome to the Project, Joyce! Welcome to the family!

...I skipped lots of great conversations and love and sharing and all sorts of authentic interactions with you...

I feel the same way about Ellen now. I miss having her around to hang out with. There's nothing better than meeting Ellen at Vic's for a good chat. :( She needs to come back home soon!

And you, of course, are always welcome to give a jingle and we'd hang out too if you're in Indy. :) But you're always welcome to hang out here too!

Love to you both!

Thank you for your article, Ellen.

Your friendship for your gender variant friend is very important to her at this moment. She needs as many understanding and supportive friends as she can find.

It is only natural that you described yourself as
feeling sad at the news of this friend's transition. Allow yourself a brief moment to grieve the loss of the person you knew, but when that process is over, you will have a new and loving person in your life.

Lastly, please give her a hug for me. This is not an easy life for anyone, but she should know that she does not travel on her journey without
a lot of support from folks here at Bilerico and lots of other places.