Craigslist is so stupid and obsessive, I mean I don't have any energy at all and that's why I'm on craigslist, trying to find something to make me forget for a little while but all I see is MASCULINE ONLY or Looking for str8/married/bi or whatever other bullshit, it's all bullshit it's just depressing I don't get any escape at all. I call Randy, who wants to know about my trip and am I glad to be back, I mean I am glad to be back but I just feel so awful like I can't even function I mean that's no surprise considering in LA I was worse, I knew I'd be sitting here at the kitchen table staring into space trying to think, I mean trying to think something other than, something other than. Something other than?
Anyway I'm venting and Randy says you sound like you have a lot of energy but it's not energy it's ventergy. Randy says is that a word you just invented? Yes, darling, I'm venting I'm venting I'm venting it's ventergy!
Anyway then I'm back on craigslist just for a moment, it's always just for a moment and there's one person who actually sounds like he has a personality so I send him an email and then I don't have to be on anymore really, it was that simple. Just one person who probably won't even respond, but he says he likes different types and he's open to new ideas says he's funny he's looking for someone who says something besides: still looking? So whatever, it's worth a try, and then I notice that Keith actually responded to my email from earlier -- or at least I think I called him Keith, the guy who I met on craigslist, I mean the one who started me thinking that maybe I could have fun with craigslist, that was a month ago and nothing has happened since. I'd given up on him because we talked on the phone but he kept saying he was going to some bar or some other bar and then I gave up. Now he says he hasn't heard from the other guy -- why is he telling me about the other guy, he always says something about that guy like I'm looking for him -- oh, maybe he thinks that's what I want again, that I want to hook up with him and that guy. I tell him I don't care about that mess -- I don't use the word mess, although he sure was a mess. But Keith is going to bed -- that's what it says in his email from two minutes ago, yes two minutes, says he's been busy and going to bed early but wait, what else does he say?
Soon we'll play again.
Well, I'm not so sure about that, but I'm certainly ready, I mean it actually puts me in a good mood and then I post something on craigslist which is kind of like me I mean it is me with pictures of my paisley sweater and the side and back of my head it's cute and fun and energetic, I say: The truth is that I don't know exactly what I want except someone who can actually connect in the moment, I mean stay present and go with the charge instead of having sex with computer/TV screens in his eyes. So who the hell am I? I'm some faggot with at least a little bit of integrity and charm -- and no one responds but I kind of like posting it anyway, just because it makes me feel present instead of scanning all the atrocities trying to fit myself in.
Mattilda blogs at nobodypasses.blogspot.com.