Fannie Fierce

Concerning Condoms!

Filed By Fannie Fierce | April 04, 2008 10:19 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: advice column, condom use, condoms, contraception, partner, safe sex, sex, sex advice

Dear Fannie,

I'm a 22 year old straight girl and I just started dating one of my best friends (I know... smart move). We've been really good friends for a long time, but this whole couple thing is new to me. The other night he was over and we started making out heavily. He wanted to have sex but I didn't have a condom and neither did he. He thought I was on the pill so he asked if we could do it without it... and we did. I mean, it's totally safe because he's been tested and everything, and the next day I immediately got a hold of emergency contraception. My question is should I tell him the whole story? And how do I bridge the topic of condoms?

--Sex Among Friends Equals Lingering Y-chromosomes

SAFELY,

You just proved that even informed people make very very stupid mistakes. Profoundly stupid mistakes. First, it isn't "totally safe," because unless your new BF hasn't had any sexual contact in the past 6 months (which doesn't seem likely from your trigger-happy description) that test means squat; not to mention the plethora of sexually-transmitted infections and viruses floating out there. Moreover emergency contraception is far from the safety net which popular myth would purport. According to the FDA:

"If one hundred women used ECPs correctly in one month, about two women would become pregnant after a single act of intercourse. If no contraception is used about eight women would become pregnant after a single act of intercourse." [link]

I'll put it in really simple terms, SAFELY. Emergency Contraception only reduces your risk of pregnancy by 75%. That means of 100 women who would have gotten pregnant, but took emergency contraception, twenty-five of them still would still have become pregnant. While "effective" by pharmaceutical standards; that's hardly playing it safe.

I get that it can be hard for women to bring up contraception, and that contraception is largely centered around condom-use and therefore, largely in the control of men. But that just means, SAFELY, that you have to play twice as safe and be twice as strong, because it's your body on the line. It's only his checkbook.

The next time your ignoramus incubus tries to get into your insides, here's a few tips for having a good romp in the hay without creating an heir:

  1. Do something else! If you find yourself ill-equipped for a risk-averse coital connection, there are plenty of low-risk but highly pleasurable sex acts you can enjoy in the meantime! Suck him off, sit on his face, finger each other, 69, dry hump, use toys... the choices are endless.
  2. Blue ball him. Men are dogs, and so... treat him like one. When your BF misbehaves, you gotta train him. A few unfulfilled trips to the orgasmic precipice will get it in his head that if he wants it, he's got to play by your rules. And if you can't take the unresolved tension, have Mr. Rabbit ready and waiting when you come home.
  3. Keep condoms on hand. There's no reason not to have condoms accessible and in abundance. There are plenty of organizations whom are more than happy to drown you in contraceptive paraphernalia. Your local Planned Parenthood or Family Planning clinic is bound to have resources. If you feel uncomfortable make a trip out of it, and solicit a few of your friends to join you!
  4. Tell him! So many couples have such problems when it comes to boudoir communication. Honesty is prime. Because the more you fake it, the less it's going to improve. So grow a spine and tell him that playing safely is the only way you gonna play!

Fiercely,
Fannie

send your questions to fannie@bilerico.com


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Yeah, SAFELY isn't playing too safely.

My goodness, I completely flinched up when I read that post. Banking on the morning after pill and her BF/BFF being clean b/c he's "totally safe because he's been tested and everything" to keep you safe sounds like a pretense to a bad Lifetime TV movie.

great advice as usual Fannie!

Yeah, wow. He just assumed she was on the pill? She just went ahead with it?

I mean, I'm usually the first to say that people don't have unprotected sex for no reason, but the reason here just seems to be lack of preparation. That's no excuse.

Umm, Fannie, loved the advice. But as long as we're on the topic of STDs, sucking him off or sitting on his face aren't 100% safe if she's not using condoms or dental dams. HERPES! I agree that it's a 0 risk for pregnancy, but who wants herpes? Not me!

I agree Serena, oral sex still carries some risk in terms of STDs... but it's MUCH easier to catch stuff from genital-genital stimulation (or penis-anus) just because with penetrative genital sex... things tear, rip, bleed down there much more easily. Plus, there still has yet to be a case of HIV/AIDS contraction through oral contact. I mean of course there are risks if you have a gaping wound in your mouth. But far more people have gotten HIV/AIDS by sitting on a poisoned pecker than sucking to hard on a lollipop (stolen from MIKA... whom i think Bil should solicit as a contributor...)

Fannie, tru enough. I just vote no on herpes and yes on dental dams.

As "Forest Gump" in teh movie said, "Stupid is as stupid does!"

Going back to my days of lead & brass, mud, and boots, I remember how fellow soldiers would use a condom to keep the rain out of their rifle's barrel, keep their stash of hash dry, and a thousand other uses. Would they take it to the local brothel or use it in a moment of passion? Nope! Even though you had to have one on your person at all times, and they were free, and you could have as many as you wanted, they somehow were not used as they should. All of us saw the films and knew of others who had tragic results for their unsafe activities, but most still did not use the protection of a condom.

Some things will never change, "Stupid is as stupid does!"

I get what Fannie's saying in #5 from a gay boy's perspective. Sure, we can tell people all we want that they have to use condoms for penetrative sex, for oral sex, safety goggles for the cum-in-eye problems we discussed this week on Mattilda's post, hell, why not just put on a latex suit with a canister of air attached to prevent athlete's foot and flesh eating bacteria from being transmitted.

Wow, that's a whole lot more sarcastic than I meant. But seriously, there are limits to what most people will do.

tobyhannabill | April 5, 2008 2:57 PM

I just attended a seminar and was shocked at how many people assume that when they test negative for HIV that they are also negative for many other diseases.
The fact is that the HIV test is only for the HIV virus. There are a bunch of other things that are missed on that test.
HCV (Hep C) is on the rise because everyone thinks they are OK.
You can go years being tested for HIV and never realize that you are carrying the Hep virus as well as many others.
Only a full and very expensive blood workup will cover everything. I just completed one that tested for Hepatitis A, B & C, Toxoplasma?, HIV and several others to the tune of $1,508.00 in lab costs alone. There was a total of 15 different tests included.

tobyhannabill | April 5, 2008 3:02 PM

By the way I tested positive for the Hepatitis B Antibody. Which means I had it, my body fought it off, and I never knew about it.

With international travel and little in regard to screening and detection there are a multitude of STD's to ruin one's life and that of someone they may love. As I mentioned from my memory of those I served with, they did not show care and some, if still alive, are interned in a hospital never to return home. Little is said about the extent of STD's and what variety they may present themselves,some are horrible and not only disfiguring, but grow grotesquely. A selfish and careless act can ruin not only one's own life, but the life of another, and another, and others.....

Safe sex is a must no matter what now days, Their are just too many people infected with STDs and they do not even know how they got them.Use a condom at all times!