I'm a 22 year old straight girl and I just started dating one of my best friends (I know... smart move). We've been really good friends for a long time, but this whole couple thing is new to me. The other night he was over and we started making out heavily. He wanted to have sex but I didn't have a condom and neither did he. He thought I was on the pill so he asked if we could do it without it... and we did. I mean, it's totally safe because he's been tested and everything, and the next day I immediately got a hold of emergency contraception. My question is should I tell him the whole story? And how do I bridge the topic of condoms?
--Sex Among Friends Equals Lingering Y-chromosomes
You just proved that even informed people make very very stupid mistakes. Profoundly stupid mistakes. First, it isn't "totally safe," because unless your new BF hasn't had any sexual contact in the past 6 months (which doesn't seem likely from your trigger-happy description) that test means squat; not to mention the plethora of sexually-transmitted infections and viruses floating out there. Moreover emergency contraception is far from the safety net which popular myth would purport. According to the FDA:
"If one hundred women used ECPs correctly in one month, about two women would become pregnant after a single act of intercourse. If no contraception is used about eight women would become pregnant after a single act of intercourse." [link]
I'll put it in really simple terms, SAFELY. Emergency Contraception only reduces your risk of pregnancy by 75%. That means of 100 women who would have gotten pregnant, but took emergency contraception, twenty-five of them still would still have become pregnant. While "effective" by pharmaceutical standards; that's hardly playing it safe.
I get that it can be hard for women to bring up contraception, and that contraception is largely centered around condom-use and therefore, largely in the control of men. But that just means, SAFELY, that you have to play twice as safe and be twice as strong, because it's your body on the line. It's only his checkbook.
The next time your ignoramus incubus tries to get into your insides, here's a few tips for having a good romp in the hay without creating an heir:
- Do something else! If you find yourself ill-equipped for a risk-averse coital connection, there are plenty of low-risk but highly pleasurable sex acts you can enjoy in the meantime! Suck him off, sit on his face, finger each other, 69, dry hump, use toys... the choices are endless.
- Blue ball him. Men are dogs, and so... treat him like one. When your BF misbehaves, you gotta train him. A few unfulfilled trips to the orgasmic precipice will get it in his head that if he wants it, he's got to play by your rules. And if you can't take the unresolved tension, have Mr. Rabbit ready and waiting when you come home.
- Keep condoms on hand. There's no reason not to have condoms accessible and in abundance. There are plenty of organizations whom are more than happy to drown you in contraceptive paraphernalia. Your local Planned Parenthood or Family Planning clinic is bound to have resources. If you feel uncomfortable make a trip out of it, and solicit a few of your friends to join you!
- Tell him! So many couples have such problems when it comes to boudoir communication. Honesty is prime. Because the more you fake it, the less it's going to improve. So grow a spine and tell him that playing safely is the only way you gonna play!
send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org