I just got back from Phoenix Pride. And let me say, what a bust! The only thing this event had going for it in the hot category was the 90 degree heat! There wasn't any shade, not even in the entertainment areas. And bottled water was nary to be found. There weren't even any assless chaps! I started playing my favorite Pride game to make things more entertaining - count the mullet lesbians - but I only came up with a grand total of 12. What's a gay girl to do?
Since open letters are tre popular here at TBP, I'm writing a letter to the organizers of Phoenix Pride. Follow me after the jump for my suggestions, plus the photos from the impromptu "Best Faux Hawk" competition that I invented to keep myself entertained in the absence of a leather tent.
First, let's cut to the hair. I went to the trouble of getting my hair did for Pride, so I expect others to step it up a notch, too.
Only two people could rival my do.
Contestant #1 is the hottest drag queen I've ever seen (with the exception of those gorgeous gals on ice skates I met in Amsterdam).
Contestant #2 is the guy sporting the rainbow Faux Hawk. I give him props for taking the time to perfectly sculpt his spikes and carefully apply the colors of the rainbow.
A for effort.
You know who doesn't get a passing grade?
The Phoenix Pride organizing committee.
Dear Phoenix Pride,
Here's a news flash: Phoenix is fucking hot! I was sweating my balls off at your event and I expected to be able to enjoy some entertainment in the shade. I was grossly disappointed. I will pay an extra $5 admission next year so that you can invest in some shade tents for the entertainment pavilions and provide free water instead of plying us all with booze. At the very least, I should get a complimentary bottle at the door and then I should expect to pay for water inside because it would be readily available. Tack an extra $5 onto the cost of the vendor booths to make up for the cost of free water and you're set.
Second point of interest: Pride should have an "assless chaps or your money back" guarantee. I come to Pride to see drag queens and leather daddies. Your event is seriously lacking in people of the leather persuasion. A leather tent would rectify this situation. If I can't get whipped at Pride or see a mummification demo, what's the point of going?
Finally, the dance tent was just tragic. One likes to go to Pride because of the potential for getting ass. Perhaps multiple dance tents with different kinds of music in each tent would accommodate those who want to shake a rumpus to something other than the scary country music that some sad old lady was singing.
If you've never been to Long Beach Pride, I suggest a trip out there to find out what a real Pride festival is all about.
P.S. Can you please repeal the no pets rule? What is a Gay Pride festival without queers and their tiny dogs? I wanted to bring my gay dog in his little tutu dress, but ya'll didn't have a place for him in your vision of the community. You missed out, cuz he's effin cute!