I just got back from Phoenix Pride. And let me say, what a bust! The only thing this event had going for it in the hot category was the 90 degree heat! There wasn't any shade, not even in the entertainment areas. And bottled water was nary to be found. There weren't even any assless chaps! I started playing my favorite Pride game to make things more entertaining - count the mullet lesbians - but I only came up with a grand total of 12. What's a gay girl to do?
Since open letters are tre popular here at TBP, I'm writing a letter to the organizers of Phoenix Pride. Follow me after the jump for my suggestions, plus the photos from the impromptu "Best Faux Hawk" competition that I invented to keep myself entertained in the absence of a leather tent.
First, let's cut to the hair. I went to the trouble of getting my hair did for Pride, so I expect others to step it up a notch, too.
Only two people could rival my do.
Contestant #1 is the hottest drag queen I've ever seen (with the exception of those gorgeous gals on ice skates I met in Amsterdam).
Contestant #2 is the guy sporting the rainbow Faux Hawk. I give him props for taking the time to perfectly sculpt his spikes and carefully apply the colors of the rainbow.
A for effort.
You know who doesn't get a passing grade?
The Phoenix Pride organizing committee.
Dear Phoenix Pride,
Here's a news flash: Phoenix is fucking hot! I was sweating my balls off at your event and I expected to be able to enjoy some entertainment in the shade. I was grossly disappointed. I will pay an extra $5 admission next year so that you can invest in some shade tents for the entertainment pavilions and provide free water instead of plying us all with booze. At the very least, I should get a complimentary bottle at the door and then I should expect to pay for water inside because it would be readily available. Tack an extra $5 onto the cost of the vendor booths to make up for the cost of free water and you're set.
Second point of interest: Pride should have an "assless chaps or your money back" guarantee. I come to Pride to see drag queens and leather daddies. Your event is seriously lacking in people of the leather persuasion. A leather tent would rectify this situation. If I can't get whipped at Pride or see a mummification demo, what's the point of going?
Finally, the dance tent was just tragic. One likes to go to Pride because of the potential for getting ass. Perhaps multiple dance tents with different kinds of music in each tent would accommodate those who want to shake a rumpus to something other than the scary country music that some sad old lady was singing.
If you've never been to Long Beach Pride, I suggest a trip out there to find out what a real Pride festival is all about.
Sincerely,
Serena Freewomyn
Disappointed Lesbian
P.S. Can you please repeal the no pets rule? What is a Gay Pride festival without queers and their tiny dogs? I wanted to bring my gay dog in his little tutu dress, but ya'll didn't have a place for him in your vision of the community. You missed out, cuz he's effin cute!
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11 Comments
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Come to Indianapolis this summer -- we always have great Pride Festivals! Assless chaps and dogs in tutus. We have it ALL...
Wilson46201 | April 14, 2008 5:06 PM
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If there wasn't any water and it was too hot for you, then my guess is it was waaay too hot for a dog walking around on sizzling concrete all day with no water either.
Nick | April 14, 2008 5:17 PM
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Nick, you make a fine point. But I'm still a little sad about the assless chaps. Two words: sun screen.
Serena Freewomyn | April 14, 2008 5:45 PM
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I'm with you on that one.
Nick | April 14, 2008 5:50 PM
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I attended three Phoenix Prides in 1998-2000 before I came to Atlanta. Phoenix barely had 20,000 people each year. I didn't know any better back then, so I thought it was cool. Then I came to Atlanta and attended Atlanta Pride in 2000. They had 350,000 people. It was beyond cool. I will miss it this year for the first time since coming here because I plan on visiting my new sweetheart in Austin on that weekend. One must set priorities.
I vote: "Not Hot."
MonicaHelms | April 14, 2008 6:48 PM
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I suppose I will have my head handed to me on a plate for this, but the point of pride to me was not about mummy wrapping, chaps, hairdos, getting laid, or other fodder you are providing the Republican attack machine homo haters. Oh, and they do USE it. They would be dissapointed if we stopped them.
It is about the boring speeches and learning who are the supportive politicians. It is about showing up at other times of the year to aid the cause, and it is not about a chorus of "me, me, me" but a celebration ourselves and the dignity we deserve.
Aww, I'm no fun! Put half as much energy into knowing who your friends are to achieve the goals of liberation.
Robert Ganshorn | April 15, 2008 5:01 AM
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That was the first thing I thought too, Nick.
Bil Browning | April 15, 2008 9:07 AM
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Are you sure you were at GAY Pride? Maybe it was some other event like Mormon Clown Pride or some Christian Youth Conference. Some Tammy Faye wannabe girls can be mistaken for drag queens when they get ready to go out for some wholesome hetero-non-sexual fun.
And I thought Indy Pride was a bore (sorry Wilson). We had the same problems with water, and licking the sweat off of someone else's bod -while very satisfying- is no substitute for a bottle of cold, fresh water. I think one year the planners went so far as to actually ban the individual booths from selling their own water and made the parched brave the liquor tent lines just to find suitable quaff, though I believe that's changed now.
As for the ass-less chaps and leathermen and leatherwomen: if you want the leather community to be represented, you should contact them about renting booth space next year. The organisers (if they count as such) are not in control of who rents space. Besides, if it was as hot as you say, apart from the always cool Assless Chapman, the rest of the community was prolly holed up in an air-conditioned bunker somewhere. Hmmm, "Assless Chapman's Bound in a Bunker Pride Party 2009!" Sounds better than a white party.
Have you considered joining the planning committee for your local Pride? You could be a special subgroup outreach liaison and get all the unrepresented and underrepresented to come out next year. Maybe you could even get your favourite games made official with prizes and stuff.
Melanie Davis | April 15, 2008 2:01 PM
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I wasn't there this year but I was there last year. I don't specifically remember ass-less chaps but I do specifically remember the chick with suspenders safety-pinned to her nipples (no shirt)! OUCH!! And I remember it being hot...but not has hot as the year before. I always take my own water in. They say you're not allowed but they never check.
Jessica | April 15, 2008 4:37 PM
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Um, yeah, Indy Pride was a whole lot worse this past year. I have no idea what Wilson's talking about.
I agree with Robert, Pride's about the politics stuff as well as the fun stuff, just not so much the corporate stuff. And the good planning. I don't know what it is with the prides I've been to recently, they've all been pretty boring, even for someone like me with a high tolerance for boredom. Indy Pride just didn't have anything after the parade.
I do think we need to make a movie, Serena, about a lesbian who, with the help of the ghosts Pride Past, Pride Present, and Pride Future, learns the true meaning of Pride. It'd be a hit!
Alex Blaze | April 16, 2008 6:34 AM
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Phoenix Pride 2009 Isn't any better. They will never learn. They won't even let you bring in the crap they handed out in the parade or even an umbrella! When you call the information phone number on the day of the event, it rings 10 times and then has an answering machine message that beeps and says "Message Full"
At $17 per head to enter, I think they can afford a real outgoing voicemail greeting with information!
Aaron | April 18, 2009 4:45 PM
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