I'd like to put you in a trance . . .
I am a loyal person. I always tell my boyfriend that I'd never even think of bedding anyone else (he's hot, after all), with three possible exceptions, for which he should allow me a one-night stand. They are, in no particular order, Keanu Reeves (how do I get into that Matrix?), Jason Cerbone (I do love the mafia boys) and . . . Madonna (no parenthetical explanation necessary).
Yes, Madge is the woman who can bring out a point on the Kinsey scale for me, and catapult me into blissful bisexuality.
And now, much to my surprise, the lady who begat and begave us Hard Candy may have needed my boudoir bonafides after all . . . and all because of her husband, who we now know went 'soft' over cookies.
The headline in The Daily Mail spells it out like a sure sign of the apocalypse: "No Sex Please, Madonna - I'm on the Cookie Diet."
Even Madonna - the purveyor of all things sexual and scintillating - has run into a dry spell recently. And it's all because the woman who, one imagines, could even get Bruce Vilanch off of cookies for a while, has been held hostage in the bedroom by a diet craze that has swept away the good sense from her Brit hubby's head.
"The pop icon," The Mirror reports "- who last week gushed about her 'incredible' love life - says her film director husband went off sex while trying to lose weight on Hollywood's latest craze, the Cookie Diet."
The diet, it seems, forces its subjects onto an 800-calorie-a-day regimen to lose the fat. Along the way, however, Ritchie seems to have lost the girth, too. Ritchie was "eating up to four biscuits instead of breakfast and lunch, but his 49-year-old wife was disappointed by the effects."
"My husband went on that Cookie Diet and it was such a turn-off because he didn't want to have sex," she recently told a radio show.
Apparently, we now know, a few nibbles on one Little Debbie can put the woman who once asked, "If I take you from behind, push myself into your mind (when you least expect it) would try to reject it?" out to a London curb.
The Hard Candy daddy went soft for a whole new honey bun. Something is very wrong in the world, indeed.
But, as Madonna's Kabbalah says, every challenge in our world brings its own reward. Apparently realizing that sugar isn't always nicer than spice, Mr. Ritchie has given up the cookies and returned home to roost. "Sex with Guy is incredible," Madge is eager to update us, "Whatever else Guy is, he's never boring."
Well let's hope not, and good for the Ritchies for overcoming their macrobiotic mania. But please, dear Bilerico readers, join me in taking up a new cause: Whatever we do, we must keep those cookies away from Jason and Keanu.