With the Guam primary today/yesterday/tomorrow (I don't get time zones), the question on everyone's mind surely is "Who can win the average Guamanian?" Not the Dededo elites, mind you, but the gun-shootin', beer-drinkin', over 37-points-over-7-frames-bowlin' Guamanian from Chalan Pago-Ordot.
Personally, I'm tired of Obama's pandering on the issue of brown tree snake elimination. I have not-yet-confirmed word that the associate pastor at his Trinity United Church of Christ delivered angry (and un-American, of course) sermons in defense of brown tree snakes.
That'll show Obama's "change" message for what it is: a subterfuge for ecological invasion and further elimination of bird species.
But if there's one thing that makes me tired of 90's-as-usual politics, it's Hillary's trumped up stories of how her father taught her the belembaotuyan when she was little. Ellen or Oprah or Larry King need to hand her one and see if she can turn out any of the tunes Pa'a Taotao Tano dance to.
I doubt she could. It's the same old kind of Hillary story - all fun and hype until you see her not know where to put the gourd and press the string down as if it were a guitar.
It's Bill all over again - in 1992 he couldn't stop talking about making Guam a commonwealth, but in 1996 he was running ads in the South about how he preserved military bases there by blocking commonwealthhood.
Thanks for throwing Guam under the bus, Bill.
What's actually funny is how the campaigns each spent millions in polling to come to the brilliant conclusion that Guamanians care about the economy. I could have told them the same thing for half the price, and given them a few tips on how to increase Japanese tourism there at the same time.
It's hard to tell what conclusion cartoonishly simple racial and gender analysis would reach considering 57% of the population is Chamorro, and, as far as I can tell, neither Hillary nor Barack are Chamorro nor can I find find an "expert" to tell me that Chamorros hate black or white people, or if they're sexist, and, if they are, if they're sexist in favor of men or women.
Either way, I'm going to declare this the year of the white male in Guam. At 5% of the population, they're the swing block that Clinton and Obama should be concerned with. All other votes are irrelevant.
I would have found some average-joe-on-the-street quotations to support my theory and say they think Obama's a snob, but Guam's awfully far away.
The results are starting to roll in, but, no matter who wins, I'm sure we can count on the Clinton campaign to say that Guamanian results don't matter. It'd be just like them to assume that it won't be important come November just because Obama won.
If you're as guam ho as I am about this primary, you'll want to see Stephen Colbert's interview with their non-voting representative:
Facts and figures courtesy of Wikipedia.