Fannie Fierce

Tough Love!

Filed By Fannie Fierce | May 03, 2008 3:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: advice column, cocaine, drug abuse

Dear Fannie,

My best friend and I have been really tight for a really long time. Like, eight years. But recently he's started to get into some things that aren't good for him. The other day, I was having a party at my home and he was over and brought a few friends. I didn't mind because they were nice, cute, and sociable. So... what the heck.

But, then, I found out that my friend had a pack of cocaine on him. And I later discovered the guys he brought over were his suppliers. I'm not sure if he got high at my house; I was furious with him, and I haven't been speaking to him. But I'm really concerned. What should I do?

Frightened For Friend,

FFF,

I'm sure you don't need to be told that your friend is entering risky territory. And while I affirm everyone's ability to choose one's own path, it's also important to make sure that one's choices and decisions are not negatively affecting anyone else. The fact that you all have been good friends for so long probably means that you have a hard time thinking badly of your cozy companion as a coke-snorting comrade. I don't care how uncharacteristic this is of him, or how much you don't want to butt in, but the facts are is that he is snorting up and you've got to set boundaries.

Friendship is a two-way street. Live and let live is a fine idea, but not when it's live and let your friend bring his cocaine-dealing-posse into your home and walk all over you. True, a good friend will always be there, but sometimes the best friend you can have is the one who will tell you to your face that you're being an asshole and give you a good hard slap.

You have every right to be angry. No matter how close y'all are, he does not have the right to bring drug dealers (no matter how nice and cute) into your house without having first explained the situation and asking you. You have a right to safety and he violated that trust.

I'd advise that you continue to support and offer unconditional love. But establishing clear boundaries can be hard. So be prepared to face some anger; there is little else that a druggy hates more than being judged. But be resolute. Tough love is the hardest kind, but often the most beneficial. Tell him that you forgive him this one time, but if he ever brings drugs or drug suppliers into your home, you're going kick him out.

Also, be ready to face the fact that he might need more help than a good friend. He may need professional help. The good news is that as a friend you can help by getting him the professional assistance that he may need. Yes, it's up to him to partake in whatever program or assistance is offered to him. But it doesn't hurt to offer. But most of all, make sure that he doesn't endanger you, your family, or your other friends. Because when it comes down to it, if he isn't willing to accept your help, then he can't be helped by anyone but himself.

Fiercely,
Fannie

send your questions to fannie@bilerico.com


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Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | May 4, 2008 12:42 AM

Fannie my love, you are too kind. Get away from this individual completely, and be certain that he knows why. He has to earn your trust, by being clean, to be permitted the priviledge of your company. Insist that if he wants to be in your life he has to get help. Being kind makes you an enabler more than a friend now.

If he has to hit bottom before he will change you have to walk past him on the street while he does so. It will look like your friend, but all it is is a walking drug.

Cocaine ain't a lolipop and you do not dare chance his (or his buds) leaving a residue amount in your house for the cops to find and come back on you. You also increase the liklihood of using yourself if you associate with him.