Michele O'Mara

Massage with Benefits, Girlfriend Without

Filed By Michele O'Mara | June 24, 2008 10:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: relationships, trust

My girlfriend is the first woman I have dated. We seem to be getting serious but nothing physical has happened yet and I am a little concerned because she is a massage therapist. I know she has done things before to her clients to make extra money. While I know it is her past, part of me gets really really jealous when is with this one client that she used to do that to. She swears she has told the woman that she has a girlfriend now and doesn't do that anymore and that it is all professional, but I am still jealous. i want to support her career, but am I wrong to feel this way? I am not normally a jealous person at all... what should i do?

Very Confused

Very Confused,

I like to think of confusion as a disagreement between your head and your heart. And there is much to be confused about here! Obviously you are attracted to this woman and your heart is encouraging you to hang in there with her and trust her despite the concerns your head is trying to convey to you. While she has been willing to offer others sexual touch for pay, I'm reading that she has yet to touch you in those ways.

Often, a "first" relationship is a very emotional and overwhelming period of time. There are a couple of things that may be contributing to your confusion: first, many gay men and lesbians have a fear that there is a very limited supply of men or women to date, and this belief encourages folks to "settle" for what is not ideal or sometimes even desirable. While admittedly it is not always easy to find gay men and women, they are out there, and worth the wait! Do you worry about whether there will be another woman you like that will be interested in you?

Secondly, entering the world of lesbian dating is a very exciting experience that can knock you a little off kilter if you are distracted by the strong swarm of butterflies fluttering throughout your body and the electric energy that accompanies a new attraction. How many of you reading this post have a "first relationship" story - the kind of relationship that you can't believe you tolerated or ever allowed yourself to be a part of? I'd love to hear about them in the comments.

At the end of the day, Ms. Confused, you've gotta focus on the decisions you make - and not as much on the decisions she makes. She has her history to make peace with, and in five years from now, you will have the opportunity to look back on this situation and say, "I did the right thing by pursuing this relationship; trusting her was smart." Or you'll have the opportunity to look back and say, "What was I thinking - I knew in my gut that she was not an ideal woman to pursue and I regret not listening to myself." I find that most of the time we already know the answers. Sometimes, though, we don't like what we know because there is often short-term pain in making a decision that we know is good for us, and there's short-term pleasure in choosing what we know isn't good for the long-haul.

Finding the right relationship to invest yourself in requires part personal awareness and health and part prediction. The better you know yourself, the better will predict whether or not you are making a good choice - and whether or not you can trust your own predictions. If you aren't sure, slow down and play it safe. Put things on pause until you feel more certain about what you want to pursue.


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That's good advice. I would have just told her that she's getting played and to move on.

That's why I'm not the couples counselor. :)

That's a tough one. At least the gf says she's not having sex for money anymore. That would say no one's getting any! Jealousy can be hard to overcome though... I think I'd agree with Alex that it's time to move on.

Oh, and I do have a story about a boy who wouldn't call for months and then appear out of the blue when I was 19.

But a couple months ago another boy did just that. A week later I had forgotten that he existed.

Oh yeah, I have the classic "first" story, I was 17, in college, fell for my first girlfriend HARD - she was such a cheater, but still wanted to be with me, I put up with that for 3+ years! But that first one, it's always the hardest, isn't it.. borderline obsession. But then, here it is, years and years later, and I'm like WOW, I want those years back! =O