If it's Thursday, Elaine Donnelly - America's most miserable misogynist - must be coiffed, confused and on a crusade to stop somebody from doing something that might make good sense. And sure enough, E.D.'s in a fix that even Pfizer can't fathom.
Elaine, it seems, has some questions that the voices in her head just can't answer. Or maybe even they've grown tired of trying to talk some sense into her.
But nonetheless, one does believe it's important that Elaine not worry her well-sprayed head over such weighty matters as military readiness when she could, after all, do something she's actually good at... such as female impersonation, perhaps. (Note to Darren Starr: She'd make a mean Charlotte York in a drag production of Sex and the City.)
But until we see "Elaine Donnelly, Star of Stage and Scream" on the marquee in lights, I have taken it upon myself to address some burning questions that Elaine ponders as pointedly as her knock-off Manolos, after the jump.
Being the home economics major that she was, Ms. D didn't pay a whole lot of attention in history class. So, she asks, "What would happen to our military if the order was given that everybody must not only accept homosexuals in the military, but also be submitted to sensitivity training classes, denial of promotions if they don't go along, [and] the entire civil rights agenda?"
To find the answer, of course, we have to travel all the way back to the 1940s, when Elaine was, we imagine, still masquerading as Phyllis Schlafly's secretary and looking busy while waiting for the Messiah.
That was when the armed forces integrated African Americans into their ranks. (It was, one imagines, another "civil rights agenda" that our own Michigan Mama didn't think too highly of either.) And what we learned, of course, was simple: If the order is given - to lift the ban or institute sensitivity training or have the audacity to treat everyone the same - the order will be carried out. That, after all, is what the military is designed to do.
The earth won't stop spinning. The sun will still rise in the morning. And Elaine won't notice a bit of difference in her dull day-to-day life... unless her hairdresser happens to be drafted off to a warzone.
And, as a nice side benefit, the country might be a little bit safer, too.
But on to other burning matters that are keeping Elaine's Kathy Lee WalMart knickers in a bundle.
"[W]hy is it that the House Armed Services Committee is even considering having a hearing?," she asks.
That one is obvious.
Because Barney Frank can't match his shoes with his bag and they need a Donnelly wardrobe consultation - stat! - on Capitol Hill.
Or, perhaps, because the Armed Services Committee would like to figure out a way to get the most qualified people into the military!
Now there's a novel idea.
But Elaine, we know, doesn't have time for novel ideas... only ideas that are the stuff of novels. Because even her questions are born from pure fiction, set in a place where women are still second-class, gays are still closeted and America is still a bastion of bigotry.
Why not just stop worrying, Elaine, and catch up with the rest of us who are here in the 21st century? And take a lesson from Charlotte York. Maybe you'd be a little less bitter after an evening with a rabbit, too?
But that's a question I think we already know the answer to.
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7 Comments
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Good point about the millitary staffing issues. Especially since they're not able to meet recruitment levels as it is. And with all this talk of Iran, me thinks they might be a bit overstretched as it is.
Serena Freewomyn | June 12, 2008 9:16 AM
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Steve,
Thank you for this post. As my partner of over 31 years spent 13 years flying jet interceptors she was indeed someone he gave blood to keep safe. Damn all of those ingrates.
Robert Ganshorn | June 12, 2008 9:22 AM
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My son serves in the Regular Army. Elaine Donnelly has two daughters, neither of whom have ever served. What makes her an expert of what is or is not good for our military?
My son and his comrades are vehemently opposed to lowering the standards of the Army to fill ranks with felons and the mentally ill or retarded.
To a man, they prefer dropping the exclusion of gays and Lesbians.
Elaine Donnelly is weakening our military, in wartime. That will cost the lives of our soldiers, including some of the men serving under my son. It has already cost other lives, and the blood of those men and women soaks the hands of people, traitors, like Elaine Donnelly.
To Elaine Donnelly:
When your daughters serve our nation, in combat, with distinction, then you can challenge my views and the views of my son and his comrades. Til then, Ms Donnelly, you are a coward, traitor and an ally of Islamic terrorists. I have no use for you.
Those of us with children who serve, partners who serve or did serve have the high ground on this issue. You do not.
MauraHennessey | June 12, 2008 10:13 AM
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I ♥ the way you constantly poke at Elaine Donnelly the same way she pokes at our community. :)
Bil Browning | June 12, 2008 10:39 AM
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Maura,
I also have a son who served, four years in the Marines, and did two tours in Iraq. He got out before they started lowering the standards, but he told me stories of the stupid people he had to work with. I can imagine what problems he would face if he had to served with some of the ones they send in today.
Donnelly don't know s-word about the military.
MonicaHelms | June 12, 2008 3:39 PM
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Bil;
Thanks. The difference between Ms Donnelly and myself is primarily that I have some basis for my arguement. She is far more vulernable to her own arguements than we are.
I am more than a bit motivated by my son and his colleagues complaints about the quality of replacements endangering the mission.
Monica;
It is indeed a huge problem. Overall, my son has been spared it by serving in elite units, but it will catch up. It is very interesting that the Guard units seem to have the poster boys for the Christian right and the Regular Army units, based upon stories from my son and his friends, are not in favour of the war and are in favour of ending DADT.
MauraHennessey | June 12, 2008 9:57 PM
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This is too funny!
Alex Blaze | June 13, 2008 6:44 AM
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