Fannie here. I'm sad to announce that this will be my farewell post to Fiercely Fannie. I've been doing this advice thing for the past year or so, and it's really been a fun, fun run with y'all. I deeply appreciate how much some people have been willing to open up to me over emails with questions about their lives. I've learned so much about myself through answering your questions. Thank you again for reading and I hope that you'll all stay fierce, fabulous, and free.
I am so clearly gay it is wild, yet I am a married man so deep in the closet it is crazy. I haven't had sex with another man in over 4 years; been married almost 4 years. But I crave a man so badly and I know that man-to-man sex is fit for me.
I am terrified of telling anyone - never came out to any but other gay people before. I am in a quandary.
--Queer Quandary Quagmire
"Wild" and "crazy" sure sounds like they describe you well. You're out to yourself, yet decided to ruin the life of your wife by lying to her by promising to be the love of her life for as long as you both shall live. And now you're craving some man tang but stuck in a matrimonial cell of your own design. Funny how karma works, eh? The easy thing here would be to awww and coo and comfort you out of the closet. But, frankly, QQQ. I don't got the time or the patience for liars and cowards. If goddamn tweens are brave enough to come out in middle school, a.k.a. hell, then you should be able to come clean.
Your question resonates particularly with a past question I received about a young gay man who was contemplating having sex with a married man who was after his meat. I told the kid to go ahead and jump on that wedded wang because it wasn't the kid who made a commitment to his wife. The response to that advice was controversial and mixed, as I expected it to be. But let me make this perfectly clear: while I may not have a wildly exuberant perspective on marriage as a political and social institution, I have a deep respect for commitments and contracts people make with each other, especially romantic ones.
If you knew you were gay 4 years ago, which I infer by the fact that you were down on your knees downing spunk only months before going down on your knees to get married to a woman, why in the world did you get married? God, when will people learn that lying to yourself hurts not only you, but the people around you? Women who marry these men are the overlooked collateral damage of these gay men's cowardice. Sure, it's tough being gay, and sure people feel pressured to hide their queer identities to protect their status both at work and with their families. But just because it's hard doesn't justify manipulating people in order to maintain you façade.
It's one thing to be that "confirmed bachelor" who brings his beard to a fancy event or two (I'm looking at you, Professor Higgins). It's completely different to string along another human being and get them to make a lifelong commitment to you, based off of a false relationship.
My advice? Grow a pair and be honest with your wife. The longer you wait, the more of her time you waste. There's nothing you can do to be in the right, but there are things you can do to make things better.
Tell your wife that you are gay and that you have been desiring sex with a man. She'll probably get very. Very. Very. Upset. And rightly so. Let her yell at you and cuss you out and cry, because honestly, you deserve a little tongue lashing, and she deserves some retribution. After all that hullabaloo is over, hopefully you will both be able to come to the table as adults and figure out if your marriage can still work. I assume that you have at least some affection and attraction to this poor woman you've manipulated for the past 4 years. If you can work some kind of relationship where you can get your rocks off with a man-friend and where she has primacy in your relationship (in addition to some of her own behind-the-scenes action)... then maybe it'll all work out. It's unlikely... but it's possible.
Now, the one thing I have to commend you for is not having cheated on your wife yet. It shows you have at least some moral fiber. It gives you some more legitimacy and makes the betrayal sting a little less. You'll be in for a rocky patch, but you really should do this right and not sneak around behind her back. Because she'll find out, one way or the other. And then, when the shit hits the fan you'll be that much more of an asshole, in addition to getting screwed in your divorce proceedings. Judges like nothing better than teaching an adulterer a thing or two.
The one thing I didn't mention was kids. You didn't mention if you and your wife have started a family, and I pray to the Powers That Be that you haven't because there's no worse crime parents commit against their children than deliberately raising them in a broken home (aside from obvious extremes of abuse). If you do have kids, this may be a bit of a more delicate process. If you can stand it, I'd at least stick together until your kid is old enough to comprehend what's going on. And for the love of all that is good, don't be that jackass gay dad who disappears only to show up every 6 months at Easter and Christmas with a new boyfriend.
Good luck, QQQ, I don't wish I was you, but I do hope you do the right thing.
Fiercely and finally,