awh..your growing up...Not to sound sarcastic but thats what your experiencing. The point at which you see that being you and the real world are sometimes at odds. Right or wrong thats whats going on..my mom told me this when it was happening to me...I wanted to wear stripes on my face and funky hair but couldnt get a BF. I had to come to realize that I had to fight my battles and choose what was more important, my stripes or companionship and do it in a way that didnt totally stiffle me.

Im not saying change who you are, but see whats important, not to conform but you dont live in a vaccum and every action has a reaction...

Not trying to be a downer...just been thru it am happy on the other side...

Mattilda,
You bet your trans friends got your back on this. It is the one thing you and us have in common. I love you no matter what.

(grin) Absolutely.

Mattilda, this is such a wonderful post! The anger feels very here, not distant like you're tired of being angry at all. I like the idea of living in a world that I can stand. And that you can stand!

and all the sudden it's like I smacked him in the face, probably should but that's a different story.

That's the story I want to hear!

And Midtowner, you've got downer in your name! Being at odds with the real world... isn't that the point?

Where's the Ritalin?!!!

As a past offender I would like to remind you Mattilda that what "makes people stop and think for a moment" are your ideas.

Beyond just "playing safe" have you considered a sabbatical? Take a month off from the hunt and chase and spend the time really delving into what you wish to express and how you feel about it. You want a world you can stand? You have to think about how and who can help you achieve it. You represent incredible promise for a new definition and understanding of gender. Don't waste time getting to know yourself.

So you do not want to adjust to society you want society to adjust to you. OK, been there, done that. I wanted more things that gave me satisfaction materially as well as emotionally. I chose a more conventional course within unconventional:) I still knew who I was at every point and why I made the decisions I made which helped me control events. Even the word control is wrong, it was really placing myself in a position to react and respond defensively when needed. I know this is less free and open than you might like to incorporate in to your life. Certainly my solution is not right for everyone, but I respect your right to choose Mattilda and hope you live fully free of any regrets. Love is everything.

Mattilda,
If you can afford it, you may want to do a little traveling and visit some other cities in the country. A "sabbatical," like Robert suggested. I got a spare bedroom you can crash in if you get to Atlanta. I can show you around here. I'm sure others would do the same for you.

Quick question though - you say you want to make people think and follow up with:

it's just a small small gesture I mean a beautiful transformative glamorous and gorgeous, sassy and splendid and delicious and dangerous and vibrant and visionary gesture, so maybe it's no surprise that so many people can't deal.

So why complain when people ask you about it? It seems like you wanted people to notice the disconnect between your name and how you present.

Once again I say, "We are who we are, and we love who we love, and that's all that's important."

I was thinking just the other day that the struggles we in the LGBT community have to face in order to do that eventually could extend to those not in this group. Recently I saw an article about the father of a man from India who murdered his daughter-in-law because she was African-American. Such a tragedy.

What a nicer world this would be if all of us were just free to be who we are and love who we love. That would be a far cry from what we have now when so-called religious persons encourage disparagement and hatred. Some day....

Some day it won't take so much courage to be ourselves or to love who we love. We'll just do it. Some day....

Have a nice road trip and find special time for yourself.

I love how everyone turned this into a "plan a vacation for mattilda" thread.

Mattilda,
Atlanta has some great book stores who have writers come in all the time. Outwrite is the complete LGBT book store and Caris is more focused on women, including trans women. Your publisists should contact them to see if we can get you here.