Eric, you always have such a way of phrasing things. I really liked how you said our sexual orientation is a gift from the universe that we can't return.

Happy Sunday!

Serena,
Thanks for the kind words. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that when I was growing up I thought of my sexual orientation (despite all the pleasure it game me) to be a curse. It took a long time to come around to the idea that it was a gift. Some of that thinking came from reading Living In Sin? by retired Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong and from interviewing Rev. Carolyn Mobley for my book Making History. Sexuality is indeed a gift for everyone. To be used responsibly of course, but definitely to be enjoyed for as long as we live!

Eric, I really like the post that you wrote a while back about how some days you're more prideful that others. I think that we all struggle with this to some degree. And this kid should know that yes, things will get better. But you're never going to feel great about yourself 100% of the time. Gay, straight, or otherwise.

Two books that have really helped me are Kyros: Confessions of a Gay Priest by Rev. Zalmon O. Sherwood, and Sex and the Sacred: Gay Identity and Spiritual Growth by David Helminiak. I didn't find those books until well after my coming out years. But the the Kyros book, in particular, wold have made such a difference when I was a teenager. To know that God loved me because (not even though) I was gay . . . maybe I wouldn't have tried to kill myself.

at 5'6" I'm short, but don't want to be. I'm pale, but I'd like not to be---at least sometimes.

I can wear shoes to make myself look bigger, I can use fake tanners to look darker, but these are just artifice. They will not change my height nor will they change my actual skin color.

I've learned to accept both of these things. There are certainly advantages to being short. I fit in all doorways, for example, and the height of a ceiling fan or the ceiling itself has never been an issue for me. I also don't have to worry about people asking me to reach for things on higher shelves.
I'm pale, but I'm lucky to be partnered with someone who likes pale guys.
Speaking of partners...we've been together for 2 and a half years and couldn't be happier. There's no drama, no games, no fighting. We don't agree on everything but we've learned to agree to disagree and move on. He's my lover and my best friend. We're disease free and have good jobs. We're about as boring as you can get, but we're happy and we treat each other well. There was a time when I didn't want to be gay....now I'm so glad I am, as I would've completely missed out on 2+ years of happiness.

Eric,

I actually do not know why I am responding,other than the post hit a nerve.I am 60 yrs.old,and have been out for ten years,to anyone that was interested.Looking back I knew I liked guys back in the fourth grade,Jay was my best friend,however,his hetro harmones clicked into action in nineth grade,and he told me we needed to stop what we were doing,and he would find us girl friends.Because he was so important to me,I went along with his suggestion.I never understood then what was wrong with what we were doing,but I digress.Anyway,the girl thing left me sort of feeling like,why would I want to do this until I went out with Jay and several other friends,and drank a pint of Dark Eyes on the way to a party.Well,I had found the cure,I thought,cuz girls,and guys were talking to me.I got very good at pretending to be straight,and eventually got married and had two sons.The,and lived happly ever after,didn't occur.My defences were very good,and quite deep,however,there were many occasions that my wife asked me if I was sure I wasn't gay.Just casual comments,or observations that I made.I had convinced everyone that I knew,that I was just really in touch with my feminen side,and there was nothing wrong with finding other men attractive.You are so correct in your stating that the gift we were blessed with can not be changed.I found this out through trying so hard to be straight.To make a long story less,I came out to my wife,after she read me a line from Depak Chopra,Nothing in your life will go correctly until you are true to yourself.This came to be after almost ten years of struggling with who I really was,and fortunately I had a neighbor that was gay and he was so helpful.Apon coming out to my imediate family,I was amazed that everyone that had professed to love me all of those years,just went away.As I stated,I have been out now for ten years,and they have been wonderful.I live alone with my kitty,and never date.I have tried all of the dating services,and I suppose it's my age,but I am interested in more than a roll in the rack,however,I do really enjoy that.I have just come to believe that this is the way it is,and if someone is to come into my life they will.I am still tempted to start dating women even though I really have no desire to.I realize that this sounds ludicrous,however,it is true.

Again,I have no clue as to why I am writing this,other than the post struck a nerve,that has not died,and needed to get it out,I guess.Thanks for listening,and thanks for this site.

Peace...Steven

One thought that I had when I read your post that I believe your reader should consider. Not all school counselors or psychologist/psychiatrists are helpful. In fact, if you consult the wrong one, you could do some serious damage.

I was about 18 (I am 49 now) when I went to a well-known psychiatrist in New York. His theory was one could, indeed, change one's sexual orientation. Of course, even back then, that was border-line negligence on his part. Nevertheless, I tried for two years to achieve the goal of "straightness." It was a waste of two good years of my life - not to mention thousands of my parents dollars.

My advice is to be very careful who you consult. Perhaps a referral from a local gay organization would be a start.

Just don't get off on the wrong foot. It could just make things worse.

And another thing. I have been "out" for 20 years now and wouldn't want it any other way. I have met many wonderful people, lived a fulfilling life and have never been happier.

They don't call it gay for nothing!

Oh, this is good advice. I especially like the idea of talking to someone. Even if they're not particularly helpful, there aren't too many professional counselors hired by universities who'd send a kid to reparative therapy. And just talking to someone out loud can be great when it comes to rearranging thoughts.

You could try contacting Warren Throckmorton.

He believes in trying to help those in your situation - either accepting and coping with the difficulties of being gay, or trying to help you change your orientation. I believe that in most cases, the latter is impossible, and I think he's coming around to that view too. But whatever works.

He's becoming increasingly strident in his opposition to "reparative therapy", as he's had tp deal with some of the victims of it.

See http://www.drthrockmorton.com/article.asp?id=183

He does, however, believe in giving people uncomfortable with their natural feelings a choice: to try to become more accepting, or try to change the feelings. And hang the political correctness on both sides, be it Gay Pride or Sodomy is Sinful. It's up to the individual, not anyone else.

You may be one of the minority whose sexual orientation is fluid enough to change from primarily gay bi to primarily straight bi. The odds are against it though.

It's really your choice as to what to try. Keep away from reparative therapy though, it's dangerous and ineffective.

Zoe: What the @#%* are you talking about? This has nothing to do with political correctness. The teen who wrote said he was 100% gay and unhappy about it. He didn't say he was bi or that he even had a range of feelings.

This idea that a therapist can help you change your orientation is no better than believing in the tooth fairy. Yes, a therapist can help you get comfortable with your orientation, whatever your orientation.

If you're deluded enough to believe that a change in behavior will bring you happiness, then perhaps there's a therapist to be found who will help you change your behavior (having sex with someone of the opposite sex rather than the same sex).

I haven't had the chance to research Dr. Throckmorton, but a quick look at the link you provided suggests to me that HE needs therapy!

Gay, But Not Happy About It doesn't explain why he's not happy about it. I would mention that being gay is far from a monolithic experience. I've known a number of gay men who never engage in anal sex, for example. I also know a number of gay men who wouldn't know a show tune if they tripped over it.

Just keep in mind that being gay doesn't require you to undertake any particular role; you're 100% gay which means whatever life you work out and are comfortable with is what it means to be gay.