I'm a 38 year old lesbian and I have been trying to get a date for almost two years now and haven't met a single person. Between all the head games, lies and weirdos I'm at the point where I just want to give up on dating forever. The constant rejection and lies have about destroyed what little self confidence I had to begin with and I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just accept the fact that I'm repugnant & worthless and give up on ever trying to meet someone? Or should I continue to suffer through rejection after rejection and hope for the best?
You certainly write with a discouraged tone. While I understand how disappointing the dating game can be, I hope this is not the same energy you bring to your dating world. How many of you reading this are also feeling discouraged?
Here are my suggestions:
1. Speak confidently, honestly and well of yourself. Repugnant and worthless won't get you dates... well, at least dates that you want. Dating is like marketing, it is critical to highlight the benefits and features of dating or being in a relationship with you.
2. Focus on living, enjoying, and experiencing life. Dating is a part of life... it isn't life. The more you zero in on dating, the more desperate you begin to sound, and less interesting you will become to others. Enjoy your singledom, pursue your interests, develop hobbies, join groups, have fun with your friends. Become interesting, and be active. In order to meet women you must be visible, accessible, and of interest. Note: If suggestion #1 is to market oneself well, #2 is to have a good product (you) to market!
3. Live as openly as possible about your sexual orientation and dating status. Ironically, one of the best places to meet other women is in your everyday life. At the gym, at work, at church, in your apartment complex, through friends, etc. In order for this to work, though, when you are in these environments it is helpful for others to know that a) you are lesbian, and b) you are single. Make it known.
4. Utilize existing networks and venues designed to help lesbians meet. Thanks to the internet it is increasingly easier to make connections with other lesbians seeking to connect.
Search facebook for lesbians near you - befriend them, join a dating service like tangowire.com, match.com, etc., visit a local gay/lesbian bookstore for local events/happenings.
Right here in Indiana, for example, I have created a few networks for lesbians to meet: First Fridays is a free game-night I host at my office the first Friday of the month (that's this Friday for local lesbians). I also created an online yahoo group for single lesbians to connect. The Artist's Way Class is a class I offer to bring like-minded folks together. If you have kids you can join other families in social settings and meet other single parents. If you want to make new friends you can visit mutualfriends.org. And that's just right here in Indianapolis!
Options like these exist in many communities, so wherever you live, do your research and find out what currently exists, or create something yourself. Anyone can start a free yahoo online group, or gather a small group of single women to meet monthly at a local restaraunt. Take charge of creating your own venues!
5. Join an affirming congregation if you are interested in spiritual worship. There are many affirming congregations such as MCC churches, UU churches, and others throughout the US that offer ways to connect their gay and lesbian members.
6. Expand your friendship network. Decrease your focus on dating, and increase your focus on friendship. Your friends are excellent dating referral sources! Friends like to see friends happy - and when you have two really great, single friends, it is natural to want them to meet. The more friends you have - whether they are partnered or not, the better. Be a genuine friend too - otherwise this strategy won't work.
7. Surround yourself well. I read somewhere, and I agree, that we either rise or fall to the same level of those around whom we surround ourselves. Are you hanging out with people that help you be a better person... or are you hanging out with people who do not represent the likes of those you'd like to attract into your life?
8. Lastly I encourage you to take risks and be creative. Do the unexpected. For example, after reading this you could leave a comment to this post (presumably a post that will be read by other lesbians), say something witty, announce your availability, and leave your email address in the comment section inviting single women to contact you. Approach that hottie at the gym and strike up a conversation. To the cute gal that flirted with you at the bank, leave your phone number and name on a deposit slip (that's a true story someone told me... and it worked!). You never know what will work until you try.