Michele O'Mara

Dateless, Not Desperate, Lesbians

Filed By Michele O'Mara | September 30, 2008 2:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: advice column, dating, finding a date, how to get a date, lesbian, lesbian dating, single, single lesbians, women

I'm a 38 year old lesbian and I have been trying to get a date for almost two years now and haven't met a single person. Between all the head games, lies and weirdos I'm at the point where I just want to give up on dating forever. The constant rejection and lies have about destroyed what little self confidence I had to begin with and I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just accept the fact that I'm repugnant & worthless and give up on ever trying to meet someone? Or should I continue to suffer through rejection after rejection and hope for the best?

B.

Dear B,

You certainly write with a discouraged tone. While I understand how disappointing the dating game can be, I hope this is not the same energy you bring to your dating world. How many of you reading this are also feeling discouraged?

Here are my suggestions:

1. Speak confidently, honestly and well of yourself. Repugnant and worthless won't get you dates... well, at least dates that you want. Dating is like marketing, it is critical to highlight the benefits and features of dating or being in a relationship with you.

2. Focus on living, enjoying, and experiencing life. Dating is a part of life... it isn't life. The more you zero in on dating, the more desperate you begin to sound, and less interesting you will become to others. Enjoy your singledom, pursue your interests, develop hobbies, join groups, have fun with your friends. Become interesting, and be active. In order to meet women you must be visible, accessible, and of interest. Note: If suggestion #1 is to market oneself well, #2 is to have a good product (you) to market!

3. Live as openly as possible about your sexual orientation and dating status. Ironically, one of the best places to meet other women is in your everyday life. At the gym, at work, at church, in your apartment complex, through friends, etc. In order for this to work, though, when you are in these environments it is helpful for others to know that a) you are lesbian, and b) you are single. Make it known.

4. Utilize existing networks and venues designed to help lesbians meet. Thanks to the internet it is increasingly easier to make connections with other lesbians seeking to connect.

Search facebook for lesbians near you - befriend them, join a dating service like tangowire.com, match.com, etc., visit a local gay/lesbian bookstore for local events/happenings.

Right here in Indiana, for example, I have created a few networks for lesbians to meet: First Fridays is a free game-night I host at my office the first Friday of the month (that's this Friday for local lesbians). I also created an online yahoo group for single lesbians to connect. The Artist's Way Class is a class I offer to bring like-minded folks together. If you have kids you can join other families in social settings and meet other single parents. If you want to make new friends you can visit mutualfriends.org. And that's just right here in Indianapolis!

Options like these exist in many communities, so wherever you live, do your research and find out what currently exists, or create something yourself. Anyone can start a free yahoo online group, or gather a small group of single women to meet monthly at a local restaraunt. Take charge of creating your own venues!

5. Join an affirming congregation if you are interested in spiritual worship. There are many affirming congregations such as MCC churches, UU churches, and others throughout the US that offer ways to connect their gay and lesbian members.

6. Expand your friendship network. Decrease your focus on dating, and increase your focus on friendship. Your friends are excellent dating referral sources! Friends like to see friends happy - and when you have two really great, single friends, it is natural to want them to meet. The more friends you have - whether they are partnered or not, the better. Be a genuine friend too - otherwise this strategy won't work.

7. Surround yourself well. I read somewhere, and I agree, that we either rise or fall to the same level of those around whom we surround ourselves. Are you hanging out with people that help you be a better person... or are you hanging out with people who do not represent the likes of those you'd like to attract into your life?

8. Lastly I encourage you to take risks and be creative. Do the unexpected. For example, after reading this you could leave a comment to this post (presumably a post that will be read by other lesbians), say something witty, announce your availability, and leave your email address in the comment section inviting single women to contact you. Approach that hottie at the gym and strike up a conversation. To the cute gal that flirted with you at the bank, leave your phone number and name on a deposit slip (that's a true story someone told me... and it worked!). You never know what will work until you try.


Recent Entries Filed under Living:

Leave a comment

We want to know your opinion on this issue! While arguing about an opinion or idea is encouraged, personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please be respectful of others.

The editorial team will delete a comment that is off-topic, abusive, exceptionally incoherent, includes a slur or is soliciting and/or advertising. Repeated violations of the policy will result in revocation of your user account. Please keep in mind that this is our online home; ill-mannered house guests will be shown the door.


I am a 52 year old Lesbian who has been single for six years.
I don't do the gay bars nor the personals, but I am an attractive, educated, good person.
I have many interests and a diverse group of friends and I am totally out to all.
I am looking to meet women who are emotionally and mentally healthy.
I am attracted to women who look like women, but that doesn't mean you have to wear lipstick.
I currently reside in a small town and so opportunities are limited when it comes to meeting gay women.
I would welcome any of you to contact me who find yourselves in the same dilemma--where does one meet a nice woman?!
I am told that I have much to give and that I look much younger than my years.
I believe in love. I have hope.
My zodiac sign is Leo and I'm outgoing and positive. I only drink socially and never too much.
I'm trying to quit smoking, but this is a tough one for me right now.
I wish you all peace.

I am 50 years old and have been single for 9 years. I have dated a lot, but I haven't found anyone I wanted to get serious with. I get lonely, but I have also come to hate dating somebody for a few months only to learn that it isn't working out. Call me picky, but I refuse to just settle. What's really uncomfortable though, is going to lesbian events and running into a handful of wimmin whom I've already dated! Sheesh! It begs the question, do I need to start over in another town?


Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 8:48 AM

Hi Cheryl. I appreciate your comments and where you are coming from.

Starting over in another town? I'm not sure that's the answer. I believe there is someone here for both of us...we just haven't met them yet. I think moving away, in my humble opinion, is kind of like running away...but we take ourselves with us.

I am not willing to settle, but I try to not count any one out...some times we need to look a little more deeply into someone before we give up.

I have hope and I am a hopeless romantic...but some times...only rarely...I think romantics are a dying breed.


If you would like to talk more, feel free to email me at pfisher@dnr.in.gov

I would enjoy talking with you more and, if you don't mind, hearing more of your stories about dating. I have none to share yet, but hope to some day.

I'm ready to date again...I just have to find her or she me.

Keep positive. Don't give up on yourself or women...there are good ones out there. Heck, I'm one.

Hope to hear from you.

confidence is key.... online dating is fun, and can lead to mutual friendships as well as long term relationships, but being true to yourself will never do you wrong...

Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 8:51 AM

Yes, Kim...I think online dating can work, but I've heard so many horror stories.

I'm romantic enough to think I'll just catch her eye some day across a crowded room--wait, I'm starting to sound like an old song. ;o)

Thanks for your comments on online dating. If you are willing so share some success stories, I would welcome them.

Peace to you this day.

"Between all the head games, lies and weirdos I'm at the point where I just want to give up on dating forever. "

You know, she lost me there. I would be willing to bet that, if you asked those she has dated, they would say the very same things about her.

I have come to the conclusion, in the time that I have spent going through the dating mill that:

Everyone lies, plays head games, and is, in some way or fashion, to someone somewhere, a wierdo.

I have further concluded that; if you want someone who is stable, look in the straight community, and even there, they will be few and far between.

Queer folk are bent. In some way or fashion; by society, by our own families, by our very predelictions, we are not stable in the strictest sense of the word. We are damaged goods girls, and even with therapy, well you can heal a lot of it, but the shit that we have to put up with in this society, not just as queers, but as women as well, is enough to break the best of us.

So you can go ahead and look for Ms. Goodbar, that elusive and ever so rare "perfect" woman. Me, I am going to just take people as they come, and if a connection is made, great, if not, well it is always nice to meet new people. Living is full of lies, headgames, and wierdos, and you know what, sometimes it is the wierdos that make it so interesting.

Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 8:53 AM

We all bring issues to any relationship and I think taking a good look at ourselves is very important before we transfer our failings onto someone else.

Peace to you, woman.

"Between all the head games, lies and weirdos I'm at the point where I just want to give up on dating forever. "

You know, she lost me there. I would be willing to bet that, if you asked those she has dated, they would say the very same things about her.


Is English not your first language? What part of "I have been trying to get a date for almost two years now and haven't met a single person." do you not comprehend? I have not been able to get a date. I can't even meet someone that will email more than once or twice...... On the dating sites that I'm on or the few craigslist ads I've put up, all I get are couples that want a threesome or freaks/weirdos that want to meet for disgusting stuff.

But that's OK, blame me because it's obviously my fault that i can't get a date in two years............

"Between all the head games, lies and weirdos I'm at the point where I just want to give up on dating forever. "

You know, she lost me there. I would be willing to bet that, if you asked those she has dated, they would say the very same things about her.


Is English not your first language? What part of "I have been trying to get a date for almost two years now and haven't met a single person." do you not comprehend? I have not been able to get a date. I can't even meet someone that will email more than once or twice...... On the dating sites that I'm on or the few craigslist ads I've put up, all I get are couples that want a threesome or freaks/weirdos that want to meet for disgusting stuff.

But that's OK, blame me because it's obviously my fault that i can't get a date in two years............

So you can go ahead and look for Ms. Goodbar, that elusive and ever so rare "perfect" woman. Me, I am going to just take people as they come, and if a connection is made, great, if not, well it is always nice to meet new people. Living is full of lies, headgames, and wierdos, and you know what, sometimes it is the wierdos that make it so interesting.

Where did I ever say I was looking for a "perfect" woman? Um, just trying GET a date.

And if you think "Living is full of lies, headgames, and wierdos", you're living a pretty lousy life. I don't consider people who lie or play headgames with me any kind of people I'd want to know. If you like weirdos so much, I'll give you the email of a person who emailed me and wanted to tie me up and shove all sorts of pleasant things up my a$$....... Maybe he's interesting enough for you.

So, you can take all of your snide comments and....... well, you know where you can shove them.

So you can go ahead and look for Ms. Goodbar, that elusive and ever so rare "perfect" woman. Me, I am going to just take people as they come, and if a connection is made, great, if not, well it is always nice to meet new people. Living is full of lies, headgames, and wierdos, and you know what, sometimes it is the wierdos that make it so interesting.

Amen.

Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 10:07 AM

Hi Bil. Yes, "weirdos" can make life interesting, hence the expression: "Why be normal?"

However, I think it's important that we be true to ourselves and present ourselves honestly to others.

Peace Bil.

Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 2:21 PM

Dateless, Not Desperate...I love the title of this topic because I do not feel desperate, in fact, I feel very powerful right now. I'm in a good place personally and professionally and all I need is a "date" because I am dateless. LOL

I think sometimes that people think I am desperate because I didn't jump right back into the dating scene when I ended my relationship in 2002. However, by staying single, I think I took the fist big step towards getting healthy.

I spent time mourning and healing and reflecting and it has made me a better person. To quote Richard Gere, "The hardest thing, I find is to have the courage every day to look at myself honestly. We all have a lot of layers, masks, imperfections."

I can only be me and sometimes that is hard in this world today, but I try.

How many of us are totally honest--with others and ourselves? I think we are guilty, at times, of expecting it of others, but fail to see our own actions clearly or expect honesty of ourselves.

I left a destructive relationship because I wanted to move away from suffering and toward happiness and though leaving my ex broke my heart, I came to realize through my sadness that what I was really mourning was my self that I had lost in this relationship.

I welcome any comments as regards my ramblings here.

Thanks.

Too many people try and find someone else to love or be with much too soon after the break up of a relationship. Many problems I think in relationships can be traced to one or the other person not giving themselves time to heal.

Our society pressures people into believing that if they are alone then they are incomplete or there is something wrong with them for being alone.

Everyone needs at least some alone time.

Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 4:26 PM

Thanks and, of course, I agree with you.

I couldn't believe the number of women I met through a discussion group who had been single for 5 seconds and were freaking out.

I take my relationships seriously and I just can't imagine jumping from one person to another. I don't mean to be judgemental here, but this is who I am.

I must have time alone--it is something I need whether I am coupled or not.

Thanks for your comment.

Share more, if you care to.

Peace.

Penny Fisher | October 1, 2008 4:43 PM

diddlygrl,you may feel free to email me at:

pfisher@dnr.in.gov

if you want to talk more.

Thanks!

I agree with diddlygrl about how we are pressured to be in a relationship. I was recently talking to another single lesbian friend and we both agreed on how the social invitations come streaming in if people know you're dating someone. Dinners, movies, card games, weekend excursions... But, if you are single, it's like you are a threat.

It seems to be a lesbian thing. (I guess it's the same in the straight world too - but who cares?) Gay guys aren't like that. Friends are friends and groups have people in various stages/places.


They're lucky. I wish lesbians would be like that. The problem is we've all (lesbians) been burned by our partner's "new friend". I don't know the answer.

Yes Cheryl, it is the same in the straight world. The pressure to be "involved" with someone is pretty much universal, except possibly for gay men, who sometimes seem like they are involved with Everyone.

It comes down to a cultural thing, and the pressure is harder on women to have to be in a relationship. It is like our society considers it unwomanly for girls to be alone for any length of time.

Personally, I am going for old maid crazy cat lady standing right now!

Penny Fisher | October 2, 2008 8:05 AM

Old crazy cat lady...?! Hey, that's me.

I enjoy your comments and you are so on target about the pressure to be involved--no matter which world we dwell in.

Right now, I take care of me and my cats and it's the most healty relationship I've ever had.

I prefer animals to most people. Animals are very wise, particularly my rescued cat, Babe.

Have a good day, diddlygrl.

The next time I hear of some old lady on the news who has 135 cats, I'll think of you. I'm down to 5 now. As they go, they will not be replaced.

Penny Fisher | October 2, 2008 9:46 AM

Ha! Well...cats are very wise and easy company...but a 135 are about 134 too many.

As a caretaker for my 88 year old Mother, whose home I bought and who I now live with, had two cats when I moved in and I brought my Babe--so that's why we have three inside. Unfortunately, my Mother's oldest cat is dying of renal failure. My poor Mother is in denial. It breaks my heart.

Have a good day, Cheryl. I'll get an email off to you as soon as I get a chance.

I am on Facebook now too...so check me out and let me know what you think of Facebook--not me, just Facebook.

Peace.

Penny Fisher | October 2, 2008 11:08 AM

Here's some questions for any one interested in answering:

What do you find most attractive in a woman or man? It doesn't have to be limited to the physical, which is limiting in itself.

Rather, what draws you to a particular person or do you any of you believe in fate?

Thanks and I welcome all comments.

I have only one cat, she is a rescued cat in the sense that I got her from the animal shelter. Isolde is a longhaired tortiseshell, so sweet and cute. a real darling.

What I like in people is the aura of sweetness that some people have. There are some physical cues, seen in the eyes, a quirky kind of smile, but mostly it is just the air of comfort that comes when near them, a friendliness that just kind of hangs around them.

Penny Fisher | October 3, 2008 8:27 AM

Hey...my rescued cat, Babe, is a long haired tortie and my best friend.

I love your comment: What I like in people is the aura of sweetness that some people have. There are some physical cues, seen in the eyes, a quirky kind of smile, but mostly it is just the air of comfort that comes when near them, a friendliness that just kind of hangs around them.

I feel the same way and I think this speaks well of you. In fact, some of my friends would say you have just described me.

Have a good day!

Hey All,

To answer your question Penny, I think somebody's coloring is what draws my attention at first. The color of their hair, skin tone, and eyes. (Dark hair, olive skin and deeply colored eyes get my attention every time.) What keeps me coming back, though, are brains and attitude. I love smart people who are confident and have positive attitudes.

I don't have a Facebook account and don't really want one, so I can't tell you what I think about it. I'm on MySpace. I don't think you have to have an account to see people at that site.
myspace.com/castonestreet

C

Penny Fisher | October 2, 2008 3:55 PM

Thanks. I will try to visit the site some time.

By the way, I agree with you on the dark hair, olive skin type...I've always liked this look.

Peace.

Penny Fisher | October 3, 2008 2:26 PM

Hey, I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful weekend. I am very excited to be a part of this group and look forward to more discussions and sharing.

Peace to all.

I'm thinking on a question for Kathy that I can submit to start a new topic...ideas are welcome.

Again, have a good weekend and be safe.

Peace.

Penny

Penny Fisher | October 3, 2008 2:28 PM

Oops! I meant a question for Michele, not Kathy--who Kathy is, I have no idea. :)

It's Friday people and my brain is tired.

Sorry, Michele O'Mara...I know you name like my own.

Peace.

Penny Fisher | October 9, 2008 10:04 AM

Hello all ! Some of you are probably already aware of the incident that happened in Louisville, KY a few weeks ago at a McDonald's where a store employee referred to some gay males as faggots and made other hateful remarks as well while waiting on them. The manager of this McDonald's condoned this behavior.

I work with the partner of one of these gentlemen, and wanted to share that there will be a protest on October 10th at the McDonald's in Louisville at 4th and Market Streets from 12:00p.m. to 3:00p.m.

Keep these young men in your thoughts. We must fight discrimination of all kinds and I was very distraught to learn that this level of homophobia still exists.

I lived in Louisville for 15 years and I know it is against City Law to display this kind of discrimination.

Keep Ryan and the others in your thoughts tomorrow. We must stand together and keep working for a better world.

Peace everyone!

Penny Fisher | October 17, 2008 2:28 PM

Well...I'm still dateless, but not desperate...however, I did agree to meet someone a week ago and while I found her to be intelligent, nice, warm, and many other things...I did not feel the "spark".

Not that I'm looking for a "spark" to happen this soon, but I was surprised that this person seemed to want to take the relationship to the next level after only one meeting. I think she was really disappointed that I did not feel the same way, but I had to be honest.

I'm not meaning to sound judgemental, but my question is: Is there something wrong with me that I can't jump in the sack right away?

I'm sure part of it is due to the fact that I have been single for six years, but I like to take things slow.

While I was flattered by this woman, I was also troubled that after she had been in a long-term relationship and has only been single a year, she wanted more so quickly.

Where oh where can I meet someone who wants to take it slow? Who will want to get to really know me before sleeping with me? Hence the old Lesbian jokes, I guess.

I'm very attractive and intelligent, but I think at times it is a curse.

Comments would be most welcome. I feel like there is no one out there for me...and yet I know this is defeatist thinking.

Like Reba sang:
Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there
Is somebody

Thanks to anyone who would care to comment. Come on Michele, I need a therapist here. ;-)

Penny Fisher | October 21, 2008 9:34 AM

Dear B., you said, "Should I just accept the fact that I'm repugnant & worthless and give up on ever trying to meet someone? Or should I continue to suffer through rejection after rejection and hope for the best?"

Never give up on yourself or feel that you are worthless. It's hard though, I know. I just put myself back out there after six years.

I'm sorry...you sound hurt and angry. I wish I could help. I'm here if you want to talk about this more. I'm not going to judge you.

Penny

Hi...I stumbled across this page today, and enjoyed reading the comments to Michele's quandry.

I am a 52yr old lesbian who has been single for 3 yrs. last year I moved from Fl to IA (CULTURE SHOCK) to join a group of meditators from around the country. I am learning more and more about myself everyday, and realize that dating has to be put on the back burner for now. I have much to discover about myself and how I engage in relationships...familial, love, friend, casual, neighborly, etc...I am working on me right now...so that I will approach relationships in a healthy, loving way. one of the ways I am working on creating healthy relationships, is to have really wonderful, loving relationships with my family, and my friends. and, interstingly enough, right now most of my friends, are straight women. they range in age from 21 to 79, and I love each of them dearly...I do have lesbians in my life; my closest and dearest lesbian friends happen to be in FL...I have met a few lesbians here in IA, but none that I REALLY click with.

I read with interest the comments about dating; about single lesbians getting asked to join couples on outings; about wanting to meet someone who wants to get to know you before getting intimate with you...these are all discussions I have had with my friends... what I have found from my discussions with my non-lesbian friends, is that much of what has been discussed in this forum, is exactly what they are experiencing in their dating lives...in America, the emphasis is on couples...and sex...and this, in and of itself, puts pressure on everyone.

I would love this conversation to continue, and enjoy everyone's feedback.

Che

Hi Che,

Welcome to Indy! It's a great place to land. We get a bum rap sometimes because of the conservatives, but I think you'll find that it is open to a lot of alternative ways of thinking, living, and healing. Good luck on your path. I hope we meet up sometime.

Cheryl

Penny Fisher | October 28, 2008 9:48 AM

Welcome! I enjoyed reading your take on the comments posted here and agree with you.

I think most of us, be we straight, gay, bi, transexual, are more alike than we are different.

The pressure to meet and couple up is a real problem for all single people.

I applaud you taking the time to embrace yourself and find out who you are and who you might become. It's a wonderful journey.

I wish you luck and peace.

Penny--single, 52 year old Lesbian

Penny Fisher | December 10, 2008 8:41 AM

Hello all and Happy Holidays to you !

I am happy to report what Michele and others have told me for some time now has finally happened.

Quite by chance I have met a wonderful woman and I am so happy for various reasons.

It just feels right and after being single for six years, I've learned to be careful, but we both agreed to be completely honest with each other and this is the key, I think anyway.

We feel like we've know each other before...as trite as that might sound.

So to all of you who are still despairing...some day or night, you will turn around and there standing across the room will be the person who completes you.

Again, Happy Holidays to all and Michele, bless you for all you do for the gay and lesbian community.

Penny Fisher