John McCain knows:

• how babies are made;


• where your lost socks go... and how to hunt them down;


• how to blink, blink, blink;


• the way to San Jose;


• what newspapers Sarah Palin reads;


• what love is and he wants to show you;


• where the sun don't shine;


• the 11 herbs and spices in the Colonel's secret recipe;


• how many shakes before it's considered playing with it;


• fifty ways to leave your lover;


• first-hand what really happened to the dinosaurs;


• the difference between "this one" and "that one";


• how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood;


• how to divide by zero;


• who switched your regular morning coffee with Folgers Crystals;


• Angela Lansbury's private number for booty calls;


• ka-ra- TAY;


• if the light in your refrigerator really goes off when you close the door;


• who wrote the book of love;


• the muffin man;


• kegel exercises;


• that dinner is served at 4:30 and bedtime is 7:00;


• who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop and who put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip;


• what "the gay agenda" is;


• that the Hanoi Hilton does not leave fresh mints on their pillowcases;


• how to kiss Dave Letterman's ass;


• what evil lurks in the hearts of men;


• that knowing is half the battle.