Eric,
I wanted to thank you for this. We pussyfoot around this all the time, but it needs addressing. I think you're right, it's like a third kind of sex, fudging the outlines. Like "if I fuck him with a condom and I cum without and he's poz, it's ok" or "Well my load is undetectable and I've got no other STDs, so it's cool".

It's still a factor in relationships: when is it OK to go without latex and how do you reconcile the luxury of monogamy with the likelihood of non-monogamy? There's more communication involved than most people are ever comfortable with.

Thanks for posting this, Erik. I couldn't agree with you more.

It's almost as if a death wish has become a fetish lately. Oh, the power of marketing...

I don't agree that the term "unsafe sex" carries a much more serious connotation than "bareback sex". The difference, to me, is marginal. The word "unsafe" sounds too clinical as it is and doesn't convey the urgent, real danger of contracting HIV. "Bareback" is equally problematic as the element of risk is entirely missing from the term too. In my opinion, while "unsafe" is definitely preferable to "bareback", it still misses the mark.

Thank You!

As an HIV health educator who must tell our men they are HIV+ far too often, I never cease to be amazed how almost every one tell me "I just never thought it would happen to me". This after revealing they have unprotected anal sex routinely. Men as young as 19 have heard this unwelcome news from my lips. My heart breaks for these young men, and I feel so helpless to say or do something that will be of comfort.

I firmly believe in the right to "do as you please" when it comes to sexual behavior, but we must stop this "vow of silence" when it comes to talking honestly about risk. Unsafe sex has become a fetish very effectively packaged and sold by those who profit from bareback porn and hook-up sites.

It is time the men in our community begin anew the discussion about sexual health, behavior and HIV. Your excellent post will I hope throw down the gauntlet to far too many of us who remain silent while our brothers remain at risk.

Eric, I completely agree with the main gist of this post --- creating a fashionable word for unprotected sex, such as "bareback", is Orwellian doublespeak. It's like bragging about the network of German extermination camps by exclaiming, "It's wonderful! It's the final solution!"

But I'm going to reprimand you for saying this:

It's one thing if two young guys are having unsafe sex with each other, that is at least, in my opinion somewhat excusable but an older man, unsafely topping a younger man, is just sad.

First you protest that unsafe sex is inexcusable, and then you label it as "somewhat excusable" --- I think the rules you make at the top of the page ought to apply at the bottom of the page. Both instances are "sad" ... and after criticizing someone else's creation of a double-standard, you proceed to create a double-standard of your own. Unsafe sex is unsafe sex regardless of the relative ages of the participants, and I find your assertion that older men having unsafe sex is worse than younger men doing the same to be (1) arbitrary, (2) age-ist, and (3) if you actually believe that most older gay men out there are interested in "mentoring" the younger generations, then you are idealistic and naive in the extreme. Most of them are just dirty young men that time has turned into dirty old men. (Yes, such Plato's of Butt Sex do exist in our world, but they are the saints, and they are few and far, far between.)

And on a blog where so many claim to be fair-minded, I am disappointed that I am the one who has to point out this guffaw, almost a full day after the post first appeared. Where are the Bilerico PC Police when you really need them?

This is a good article. You're right, eric. I mean, I personally have never engaged in anal sex and don't care to, as a personal choice. But for those that do, I support their choice to use protection.

A.J. Lopp-

I'm sorry your lack of inference has caused me to be an arbitrary, ageist, naive fool.

For a moment there I gave the readers and contributors of this blog the benefit of doubt that they would understand two young men's risky behavior as a consequence of innocence and lack of life experience/knowledge.

I suppose there's no use in telling you that the majority of my friends are all 10, 15, if not 20+ years older than I am and act as tremendous mentors. I also suppose there is no use in telling you I became outspoken about HIV/AIDS because I inherited the passions and stories of my older friends.

And on a blog where so many claim to be fair-minded, I am disappointed that I am the one who has to point out that the word is "gaffe" not "guffaw."

You're right, Eric. There's no use. Obviously I am obsessed with the ridiculous fantasy that the same standards ought to be applied to everyone equally.

Now that is deserving of the word guffaw.

Only this one guy's opinion : HIV is such a huge problem in minority youth communities because of the culture of immediate gratification. There's no thinking ahead to consequences. It's all immediate gratification. It's no fun to run outside to get condoms, just as it's no fun to save one's money (as opposed to spending it on every new contraption) or to enjoy some quiet time (rather than filling up the silence by talking on a cell phone).