Not disclosing or telling someone you are HIV negative when you are not, is a criminal offense as soon as you have any sort of sexual contact. Including oral contact.

At what point do you decide to tell this person you are dating that you are HIV positive? Why would you expect them to trust you if you so blatantly lied about your status for a date?

Maybe it was the safe sex and honest communication mantra that I grew up with in a post-AIDS world with a liberal sex ed curriculum, but I can't see such misrepresentation as being okay at all. I know that I'd be more likely to get herpes from the person who doesn't know they have it than HIV from the person who hides that they do. And I totally support the choice not to put HIV status on your profile (if someone doesn't ask, then they can't blame you for not telling). But announcing your negative status when you know that not to be the case, and having sex (albiet with barriers) with your partner being mislead? I know that I'd want to have a say in the decision making process about how to manage HIV transmission risk, and to latex or not is only the most basic question. What kind of sex you have makes a huge difference too.

But not only would I feel upset about the lie, I can imagine it coming out in a really poor way. At least in the circles I run in, people pick up on the difference between "I don't know my status" and "I'm negative". The latter indicates you've had a test. So the common response would be, "Oh, when were you last tested?"

Will Bad News Bear make up a random date? Talk about a fake clinic? Give a test date that's been a while ago? What will happen if his date suggests they go get tested together because he's overdue for his next test? Maybe I just run in really different circles, but those are real risks in my I can see that would create a very tangled web of lies.

I understand that HIV can be a put-off and I don't think one has to disclose if not asked, but I want to put it out there that smart people know that the risks can be reduced to be almost negligible. I've certainly found myself crushed out on folks with HIV, especially a few who I admired for their strength and openness in discussing their status and being involved in HIV/AIDS activism. So while Bad News Bear says the man he wants will pass him by if he discloses, I'd suggest that perhaps he should pay attention to the one who doesn't.

Not a jerk, but desperate.

I'd say the line is before having sex as well. If these dates don't involve sex, there's no need to disclose.

Besides that, the men that I've slept with who were poz (whether I found out before or after), have been far more careful than anyone else. In general it's a pretty good group of people.

Either way, the obligation to disclose doesn't absolve anyone from the responsibility to practice safe sex. There's too much "I don't want to use a condom, and I'm sure he'd tell me if he had something, so it's OK" going around nowadays.

"If on the first date, you were honest..."

If this is the route to go, the writer really ought to put a line in his profile about being a lover of head games. If you're willing to lie to me to put me to some kind of test: 1) who the he** do you think you are, 2) what else are you willing to lie to me about?

Disclosing or withholding one's HIV status in a personals ad is a matter of discretion, lying about it is not.

From a practical standpoint, why would someone reason that a person who passes by an HIV+ disclosure in an ad would suddenly change is mind about dating an HIV+ person simply because he's just been lied to about it?

I have to agree with the above. Just omit your status if you insist on nondisclosure. At least that will allow the other person to be in a position to inquire about it if safety were a concern for them.

Years ago, I had a brief fling with a hot guy who suddenly dropped me. Couldn't figure out why until he finally sent a letter(!) weeks later, disclosing his positive status and his mega-guilt about it. I went for a test, which turned out positive, but then the follow-up test showed it was a false positive. Talk about an emotional roller-coaster. So I vote in favor of disclosure up front. Otherwise you're setting up both yourself and the potential boyfriend for a lot of needless grief.

If this guy expects to create a long-term relationship that starts with deception, he's fooling himself. He will continually undercut his chances until he deals with his internalized stigmatization of his HIV status, much like men who haven't dealt with internalized homophobia struggle to maintain a relationship.

It's a self-esteem issue. Easy to recognize from the outside, I know, but until he finishes the work on himself, he's going to be lonely.

As an HIV+, person, I understand your dilemma, I think. Rejection is tough and we all want to be loved. I'm not saying this would work for you, however, have you considered simply keeping your status confidential.

I can say from experience that little makes a man wish to pursue you more than polite rejection. My husband of three months, with whom I've been together for five wonderful years, spent the first few weeks of getting to know me in frustration because we had a great time; however, I always went home alone, even if he suggested we "just talk."

When we finally had "the talk," and he'd spent time getting to know me, it didn't matter to him what my status was; he wanted me, not my status. And here were are, married ever after and I love him more than anything for his love, not because he accepted my HIV.

We're still careful, and we enjoy a deep and fulfilling relationship.

Just because a question is asked doesn't mean it has to be answered. Likewise, sometimes when the path is unclear, patience and getting to know someone is the best course of action.

Dishonesty, as has been pointed out, however, is a dangerous path if one seeks love, Deception leads to lies, lies lead to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate..., well, I'm not going to be Yoda here.

Meditate more on this, I will. And good luck. If you need someone to talk to, get in touch.

http://thepowerofweisfree.com

z

I was in a sero-discordant relationship for 4 years. Starting out, I said that I wouldn't make his poz status a problem until it became one.

I have to say that practicing safe sex is only a piece of the issue. I know now that there is so much more to the dynamic.

(And regarding safe sex, what if the two of you have different ideas on what is safe and what isn't? Will you, as my partner did, come to resent the sexual boundaries of your partner?)

Now, from my experience, I don't think I would date a poz man and I have a real problem with this person withholding that info. Of course, that doesn't mean that he isn't worthwhile or that I wouldn't want him in my life in some other way. Yes, yes, some of my best friends are poz.

It's just that I'm unable to overcome the issues presented in a life partnership situation. I tried, even with counseling, and couldn't. In a way, maybe Bad News Bear should be thankful that I've done the work on myself and know not to waste his time.

On the flip side, I think my ex came to the conclusion that he would only want to date a poz guy since they would more readily understand him.

So, it may be equally plausible that he will find his true love among those that only want a poz partner as those that don't.

I have wondered about this a bit. My baseline thing is that you should not lie about your status, because it is a transmissible disease, and because people should be able to make an informed decision about risk.

However, I do have a little idea what you're writing about. I have terminal cancer. It won't kill me this year, but in 10 years time there is a 90% chance I won't be around. You can't catch what I have (so it is different to HIV there), but if we're looking at a long-term future, what do I say? Luckily, I have a partner, so I don't have to cross that bridge, because I know from experience that most gay men are after ideals, and are more than willing to return someone not quite meeting their expectations to the shelf in the most callous way imaginable.