Guest Blogger

The Chronicles of a Guest Blogger

Filed By Guest Blogger | November 28, 2008 1:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Politics
Tags: guest blog, Monica Helms

Editors' Note: Monica Helms is a frequent guest blogger and trans activist. She shares a sense of humor with contributor Don Sherfick, but her style is all her own.

pink-sheets.jpgI finally decided to write an exposé specifically about the inner workings of The Bilerico Project from the viewpoint of a "Guest Blogger." Many of you love to just comment and others have probably submitted articles in vain, so you may not be aware of all the secrets and wild parties that happen behind the scenes in this most beloved LGBTQ blog. Only a Guest Blogger would know these things. This article will reveal some of those hidden secrets The Bilerico Project has kept from the public for so long.

Even though I'm not quite a "resident" of the Bilerico family home, I have used the "guest bedroom" enough that I have my own separate sheets and pillows. Bil tells me I'm "special," but I get the feeling it's to try and keep me quiet on what goes on behind the scenes. I have to admit I really love my pink sheets, but people have to know what I know.

armada-towers-big.jpgKeep in mind, a Guest Blogger only gets to stay at the Big House and is not allowed to venture inside the famous 156 story Bilerico Towers, located in the heart of downtown Indianapolis. To even open the doors, you have to have a secret clearance that would make a KGB agent shiver. Only contributors are allowed in the Bilerico Towers and their movements are restricted.

Some may ask, "What is the process to become a Guest Blogger?" I think the biggest thing they look for is the ability to string a series of English words into a coherent sentence. Yes, I know, that can be tough at times. I fail quite often. Beyond the sentences, you have to have a coherent subject matter, or the individual sentences become meaningless. I remember one time starting off talking about ENDA and ended up ranting about HRC. Come to think of it, that is a coherent subject matter. Never mind.

The next step after writing the article, you have to submit it to editor@bilerico.com. For those who don't know, the submission will go directly to Alex Blaze. Those of you who don't submit articles know Alex as this wonderfully intelligent and attractive man, but I have seen his dark side. Alex has such a great grasp of the English language that his decision on who gets the coveted "Guest Blogger" award and who doesn't can seem devastating to your ego at times. When he rejects my articles, I feel like some evil Kung-Fu master bent on world domination has snatched my heart from my chest and handed it to me still beating. (Ok, so I exaggerated a bit.)

Then comes those rare times when he accepts your article and it makes you feel like you've just been given the Miss America crown. For me, I float on Cloud 9 and I can't stop giggling. The world seems brighter and food even tastes better though I have noticed that women don't find me any more attractive. Can't they tell I'm a "Guest Blogger" on the world famous Bilerico Project? I'm thinking Alex has a hand in that.

Once I see my article appear on the top of the TBP page, I constantly check to see if I get any comments. I heard through the grapevine that Bil and the editorial team get upset when a person posts an article, but doesn't respond to the comments. They call that, "Post and Run." Contributors have been warned about posting and running and have been told that they will have do dishes and have trash duty for a whole month in the Big House if caught doing that. One can only wonder what their punishment is at the Bilerico Towers. The penalty for Guest Bloggers who Post and Run is that they will not get to post again for two full years and their comments are heavily monitored. This is why I comment a lot so I can stay in practice. Otherwise, I'd miss those pink sheets.

mommiedearest.jpgGetting a chance to spend time in the guest bedroom has its advantages and disadvantages. You get to share one meal with the residents, but you don't get to pick the meal. Breakfast is not so much fun. Let me warn you ahead of time, you don't want to run into Becky Juro before she's had her first cup of coffee. Jason from the Halloween movies is a sweetheart in comparison. During school time, Sara Whitman wants the Guest Bloggers to help make school lunches for all the Bilerico kids. Hey, I don't mind. "PB&J, y'all?" I always get a glare from Sara when I ask that. "Okay, let's break out the grits." That makes Monica Roberts smile.

One of the things I have noticed is that being a Guest Blogger and getting a chance to occasionally stay at the Big House is that you develop a sense of respect for the house. You feel compelled to ensure unwanted interlopers are rooted out and dispensed with properly. Even though the Guest Bloggers are not full-time residents, we still feel the Bilerico Big House is our home away from home. We try to respect it like our own homes, even when we comment. Okay, so I mess up occasionally and get my comments deleted. I guess it's the price I pay for being an egotistical, arrogant loud-mouth. (I just put that sentence in here to placate those who actually think of me that way. We all know I'm sooooo sweet and lovable.)

The biggest disadvantage is when you're trying to go to sleep in the guest bedroom and you hear the residents laughing and having a good time. You don't get to party with them. Oh, sure, they treat you well, and you get to enter contests they can't, but . . . For those who keep trying and keep getting better with their writing, they may one day find themselves laughing and having a good time with the rest of them. For now, I will be satisfied with the occasional chance to see my name in the Bilerico lights, even if it will just say "Guest Blogger."

It's time for me to don a disguise. After reading this, Waymon has put a price on my head ($2.50) and the Bilerico hit woman, Serena, plans on coming over to my place and taking my lesbian toaster oven away from me. Damn. I reheat cold pizza with that.


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Monica, you're so wrong. I don't revert back to human until at least my second cup of the morning. :)

Rebecca,

You're among friends. You don't have to be coy. We know Monica was referencing your face cream with that Jason comment and not your caffeine addiction. ;)

Bil, I don't use that face cream anymore after it broke my chisel while taking it off. My caffeine addiction, on the other hand, is legendary.

Reformed Ascetic | November 28, 2008 2:42 PM

Didn't Trump make his first billion off the Bilerico Towers?

You got pink sheets Monica!! I've guest blogged here occasionally and never got pink sheets, or any sheets for that matter.

Oh wait, I just checked the TBP handbook and see that weekend guest bloggers don't get sheets, we have to provide our own. Even then sheets aren't that useful since we have to sleep on the floor :)

Zythyra takes out hir guitar and starts singing "Make Me Down a Pallet on Your Floor"

C'mon Z - tell the whole truth. We may not have given you blankets, but we did offer you that burlap potato sack. You had to be all uppity and make a pallet out of it to sleep on. Remember? You kept complaining about the concrete floor and I kept telling you to actually come into your room instead of sleeping on pool patio.

I told you it was a nice room, but you went all Opus Dei on us... We could hear your screams all night, but I just told the other contributors you'd met a nice pool boi. :)

OK Bil, I actually did end up making a nice dress from that burlap sack. It'll be all the rage on the runways next season, Ms Z's "bail out" fashions :)

grits are good. as long as you serve them with maple syrup and butter. I am a yankee after all. can't help it.

Grits are nasty. Enough said. Monica wonders why she doesn't get to be a contributor, but then she feeds our kids grits all the time; they all hate her! Sara has them spoiled with sushi, salsa and graham crackers. At the same time.

I'm sure Bill is trying to find the person on the Editorial Team who posted this under his nose. I'll never tell!

Are we having scrambled eggs tomorrow?

Scrambled eggs? Pshaw, in the Towers we'll have a spread so delectable and delicious, if you didn't know better, you'd swear it was catered by Motel 8. Down in the guest house? We'll just tell you we're having eggs so you don't slobber over our succulent continental breakfast.

Since you broke the cone of silence though, all you get is porridge.

Ah, hi there, Bil. Heh, heh. How's it going? You have a good Thanksgiving? I was just on my way to bed, heh, heh. See you in the morning? Have a nice night.

Brynn Craffey Brynn Craffey | November 28, 2008 6:31 PM

Hey, Monica, you seem to know your way around here better than some of us residents! Good to see you!!

When did they move into the towers? Last (only) time I guest-posted, Bilerico was still in the massive underground bunker under downtown Broad Ripple. To get in, you had to walk into the tattoo parlor, give the clerk a bottle of Thunderbird, head for the restroom, put a quarter into the condom machine, and pull the dispenser knob marked LAMB. The trap door opened, and it deposited you on a beanbag chair in Bil's outer office. When you left, you had to climb a rope ladder and leave via the manhole cover on Meridian St. I guess the payola from HRC must be getting much larger.

By the way, you got Monica Roberts wrong. She doesn't eat grits, and never gets up in the morning at all. Further, she is completely incoherent until after her second scoop of Blue Bell homemade vanilla.

Well, there goes the secret bunker, Polar. Thanks a lot. And, again, let's be clear. You didn't have to leave through that "manhole," Cover. You chatted Cover up and kept flirting with him, so he walked you to your car.

I see how you are. You call Cover names here on the blog, but you never called him after that brief assignation on Meridian Street.

No, Bil, I wasn't dressed properly for flirtation. But it was fun talking to Cover. I was just conducting some outreach, a bit of recruitment if you will. You didn't know he was a crossdresser, did you? I gave him the contact data for the local CD support group. Meets in Martinsville, as I recall, at the Antioch Baptist Church. Did CoverGirl ever make it to the meeting? Gotta hand it to him, he kept me from getting hit by an SUV. That would have seriously damaged the SUV.

(I should never write while taking narcotics.......)

*takes copious notes for later reference and blackmail...*

Don Sherfick Don Sherfick | November 29, 2008 8:10 AM

Two corrections here are necessary to an otherwise wonderful contribution:

First, Bil’s introduction claims that Monica and I share a sense of humor. I got out of the sharing business years ago when I didn’t get my toothbrush back.

Second, I’ve lived in Indianapolis all my life and make it downtown at least twice a week. The structures referred to as “Bilerico Towers” are nowhere to be found there, and nothing extending vertically 156 stories or even close has ever been erected (dysfunctionally or otherwise) in the Hoosier capital. The tallest structure here is the Chase Tower, which only managed to make it to 48 stories because a truck loaded with Viagra overturned at a nearby intersection and then it rained. Thereafter nobody in that tower remained chaste.

So Monica, if you think you stayed there, they were playing mind games with you. You would think they would keep their fantasies to themselves.

I'm not allowed to enter the Towers, because I'm not a contributor. That also means Bill doesn't own me. (giggle) He's not my boss.

However, those who do work for him have to be indoctrinated and are experts in convincing the public that the Bilerico Towers doesn't really exist. It's mass hallucination of the surrounding public. I resisted! I saw it! Yes! Believe me, everyone. Oh, and just so you know, Solent Green is people.

"I used to be crazy, but I'm all better now."

Don Sherfick Don Sherfick | November 29, 2008 8:40 AM

Is there enough left on your credit card balance to buy this 1500 foot suspension bridge over Fall Creek that I just saw was for sale? Davis and Browning Real Estate.....but I don't think they exist outside of cyberspace either, come to think of it.

Cyberspace, where nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . .

Don Sherfick Don Sherfick | November 29, 2008 9:29 AM

....go wrong.....go wrong. Ooops, Bilerico Towers just went limp. Shoulda used that 36 hour product.

....go wrong.....go wrong. Ooops, Bilerico Towers just went limp. Shoulda used that 36 hour product.

Looks like they got a double dose, Don. :)

Wow ! I want what ever Ya-all Had? Or is it just your reaction to Black Friday? We know that Bil had the tower build with super top secret materials for the good Bilerico ones! As for the secret bunker, It's for those bad Bilerico ones! I think he got the ideas from those Fundies he visited? Thats what can happen if you read their literature!
2000 years from now the Bilerico posts might make up a book that all the new religions will use! Alas, us non-inter circle bolggers /non-guest bloggers posts will be discovered and added to the main book as an index! Oh yea, Rebecca when did you go to the dark side and start drinking coffee? I thought you drank wine and took your drugs like me in the morning?

I've always been a coffee addict Regina, but I was never a wine drinker. Beer and drugs on the other hand...now that's another story.

Now you know why we call Becky "the Life of the Party."

I guess only contributors would know this. Well, even though I spilled the Bilerico beans, I see you haven't packed my pink sheets away. See you at the Big House when you post my next article. Bye.