I've sat here today flipping aimlessly from one blog to news sites to e-mail to Twitter and back again. I've watched 30 second bits of CNN until my eyes flit back to the computer screen. I've been restless and unsettled all morning; it's as if the monster from Alien needs to burst out of my chest so I can be comfortable.
After an hour and a half of "writing," I have the above paragraph. That's it. I've found a million other things to occupy myself, but I haven't found the words yet. I take a grilled cheese and potato chips break. Sweet tea. Comfort food.
Today is supposed to be the day. Yesterday we changed the world. After all our hard work, Barack Obama was elected our next President.
I went to the DNCC where my partner was a delegate. I put up signs at our house, talked to our neighbors, installed the iPhone app so I could phonebank from my own phone, and blogged like crazy on Bilerico Project, Huffington Post and the LGBT for Obama blog.
The LGBT community supported the Democratic ticket. We supported change and hope and equality. We supported our fellow Americans as we reached for the stars. And we won. Today is the day.
But I'm not joyful; I feel robbed. Americans didn't support the LGBT community. Instead, we've been slapped back into place with marriage amendments in Florida and Arizona and an anti-gay adoption law in Arkansas. The ultimate insult, the California marriage amendment to strip LGBT couples of their right to marry, looks poised to pass even though opponents rattle lawsuit sabers and refuse to concede until all absentee and provisional ballots are counted.
I don't feel hope; I feel despair.
I'm angry with Americans for transcending race, but not sexual orientation.
I'm angry with Barack Obama and Joe Biden for allowing their words to be used for anti-gay robocalls with their waffling on our relationships. While they corrected the record, it was too little too late.
I'm angry that Rosie O'Donnell and her partner, Kelli Carpenter O'Donnell, didn't donate any money to fight amendments in California, Arizona, or even Florida - the state they supposedly loved so much. They take gay money with their cruise ships, but I guess it's too much to expect them to give back to the community that's always backed them.
I'm angry that Democrats paid for anti-gay campaign mailers in Indiana and refused to even comment about it. No apologies. No explanation.
I'm angry with Hollywood celebrities, producers, directors and other insiders who are as gay as the day is long, but didn't give to protect the community. I'm angry with liberal straight celebrities who kept quiet on this one while screaming their damned heads off about fur, the environment or whatever disease they've decided to champion only to drop after the cameras have gone.
I'm angry that some in our community stooped to gay baiting in an attempt to defeat closeted California Congressman David Drier. I'm angry that Democrats did the same thing to closeted Senator Mitch McConnell in Kentucky.
I'm angry that our community put so much energy and cash into California's marriage amendment while giving the other states short shrift. Arizona was the darling of state and national groups as the first to defeat an amendment, but this time they struggled to get noticed.
I'm angry that amendment supporters cheated to pass their discriminatory legislation. From Arizona's state legislature trickery to Florida's illegal television ads - from California's Obama robocalls and fliers to the Mormon millions sent to Arizona and California so the church could impose their will.
I'm angry that the first substantive post fellow contributor Pam Spaulding put up on her own blog, Pam's House Blend, was a "Don't blame the blacks" post to deflect the fact that African-Americans in California overwhelmingly supported Prop 8. I'm angry that some in our community will still blame African-Americans.
I'm angry at being taken for granted by the Democrats. I'm angry I have to say, "But they're better than the Republicans!" to excuse homophobia in the Party. I'm tired of being expected to support the Party's agenda at the expense of my community's.
Yet, I'm resigned to continue beating my head against the wall. I will fight on. I believe in change and hope and equality and if my fellow citizens don't want to share them with me and mine, I'll keep fighting until they do.
I will not give up. I will not quit. I will not stop or pause or waver.
I will keep hope. Barack Obama won the election. Change will come.