Father Tony

His teeth are in the way of world peace.

Filed By Father Tony | December 04, 2008 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: oral sex, world peace

Dear Father Tony,

The last guy I dated was six months ago. He broke it off with me but I thought everything was going along perfect. Finally he took my call and told me the reason. Sex. He said I give really bad head. He said it was painful. He said my teeth are the problem. I go to the same dentist since I was a kid. How do I tell him to fix this without telling him why or do I need a gay dentist? There's a guy who I think is interested but I keep avoiding him because of this. Now I'm afraid to even kiss anyone new. Can I just learn to give good head?

Shark Boy

Dear Shark Boy,

As my Jewish friend would say "From your lips to God's dick ear." Finally, a subject about which I really do know something. Let's resolve some side issues before we take a look inside your mouth.

If the last guy you dated had been someone who wanted to deepen the relationship, he should have found a way to work through this problem with you rather than just run away. Sounds like he was equally inept at handling the intricacies of anatomy in action. Also, the problem may have been his dick rather than your mouth. You ought to call up some other men on whom you have gone down and ask them to review the experience, but for the moment, I will assume the problem is your mouth and not their dicks.

I understand your reluctance to ask your family dentist to streamline your teeth so that you can improve your dick suckage. Even if you were so bold as to make this request, I doubt your insurance would cover the procedure. Once, while having a tooth filled, I asked my dentist if he could take the point off an adjacent tooth while he was in there. I told him it was causing me discomfort. I think he saw through this little lie. I detected a smirk underneath the surgical mask, so I assume that dentists get this request more often than we imagine (but probably more often from women). Whatever he did worked, leaving me with a "mouth like butter", as that same Jewish friend says. You could indeed find a gay dentist, and I am imagining the procedure with glee. As he files and polishes your rocky road, he stops frequently to test out his work by straddling the chair and shoving his dick into your mouth until he gets the right sensation. (You will want to have this done without novocaine.)

Let's take a look under the hood. Do you have any dental work that involves metal or plastic inserts or appliances that might have sharp edges? I have, on occasion, shoved my dick into some pain-inducing mouths only to discover that this is the cause of the problem. If this is the case, the fittings may not be painful for you but may be painful for the person entering those premises, and you will have to speak plainly with a dentist who may be able to reroute the problematic contraption or substitute something less assertive.

To answer your ultimate question, yes, you can (and should) learn to give good head. In most towns, this is not taught at the community college level, as is pottery making or welding. You will have to consider your next few boyfriends as your personal trainers. (This is after you've had a dentist resolve any obvious obstructions.) Involve them in your desire to give the perfect blowjob. I doubt they will object.

I have often found that guys who give the worst head are the guys who are most eager to do it. I have come to the realization that such a one is so swept away with the idea or fantasy of having a dick in his mouth that he pays no attention to the actual dick that is in his mouth. Every dick is unique, just like the face of the man attached to it. A good cocksucker is like that old-school auto mechanic who had a trained ear for the hum of a perfectly adjusted carburetor. Listen and watch for clues from the owner of the dick. He'll let you know when you've got it right. And if he is too shy to give you clear signals, don't be afraid to ask, and remember that this is the one time in life when it is appropriate to speak with your mouth full. The garbled words don't matter. He'll appreciate the message.

Also, I have come to learn that uncut guys need to make an effort to learn how to suck a circumcised dick, and vice versa. They are two entirely different animals with different demands. I wonder if this is part of your problem.

I am thinking about a late night sex club conversation I had with a man who had an extremely long and wide dick. He was bemoaning the fact that he had never found anyone who could go down on him satisfactorily. (I had had my up at bat and struck out.) I introduced him to a fellow who walked by us at that moment. A fellow whose attentions I had enjoyed on many occasions. He would, after kneeling, turn his head away so as not to let me see him remove his completely false teeth. The effect was incredibly Merchant-Ivory. The two of them went off together and have never been seen since.

So, in summary, see a dentist who is amuse-bouche-ular, and can clear your palate if that is the problem, and then, practice, practice, practice until your mouth is not just good enough for Carnegie Hall, but is Carnegie Hall.

[PS: Insert here the generic warning about safe/safer sex, advising you to discuss your behavior with your doctor. If you are going to get good at this, I want you to have a long and healthy career.]


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kudos on the amuse-bouche reference. It's not everyday that you get a metaphor that involves gourmet food and oral sex in the same literary mechanism!

Although, it would be an unusual thing for somebody's member to be a true amuse-bouche. As I understand it, an amuse-bouche is intended to be quite small and bite sized.

IowaEmpress2008 | December 4, 2008 1:01 PM

I am just glad that sometimes we also have an entry that is amuse-ing (ha!) and NOT political, serious, high-profile, or other neccessary and important but sometimes wearying.

Dear IowaEmpress, You can count on me to bring this blog frequently into the gutter.

"I understand your reluctance to ask your family dentist to streamline your teeth so that you can improve your dick suckage."
This bit made me laugh out loud.

On the other hand, there are men who revel in a little touch of tooth during oral sex. I'm married to one--there must be others. It requires precision and control, but clenching the molars gently with the frenulum between them and then going to town with the tongue puts him into a frenzy.