Message: I am a happy self-identified gay man living in San Francisco who has had a number of successful long-term relationships with men. But for the last couple of years, I been having sexual dreams and fantasies about making love with women, in addition to my continued fantasies and attractions to men. Am I cracking up, emerging from another closet or just going through a phase? Read me my beads!-- Joe
His Closet is a Duplex!Follow @freedom2marry
In 1972, I first heard the phrase "Child, stand back. I'm gonna read your beads." It came from the mouth of a tall, black and in-the-life seminarian/classmate from Atlanta. It didn't require any definition then, but it does now because you have used it incorrectly unless you think my response will be chastising. To have one's beads read is to be told off. That is not what I am about to do. But it's lovely to hear it again. Is it in common usage in San Francisco? If so, is it still used in tandem with its mate, "Ooo child, he threw some shade at that girl!"
On to your predicament. I think that in the future, as the human race grows up, folks will be able to have recreational sex without regard to gender, and loving sex without regard to gender. Maybe you're just a few years ahead of the rest of us. You should not be unnerved by your dreams of women.
I myself had such a dream several months ago. I don't remember what the woman in my dream looked like. She was certainly no one I know, and, the sex we shared was satisfying, albeit rather mechanical on my part, as if I were with the Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk, piloting a new model that may or may not prove airborne. Waking up, I thought "Well that was interesting." I chalked it up to the fact that I've pretty much done everything else, and that being constantly bombarded with images of women oozing their sexuality on TV and billboard has to eventually invade one's subconscious.
In your case, the fact that those dreams are repetitious is significant. Is your heart trying to tell your head something? Maybe. Should you be disturbed by this? No. Should you act on it? Maybe. Do you want to act on it? Are you afraid to act on it? Are you afraid that once you have sex with a woman you may never want to go back to having sex with men again? Afraid you'll lose that old and familiar desire for men? Afraid you won't be able to wash off the scent of a woman? (I am told it does wash off completely.) You may never know what your dreams mean until you explore the possibility while awake.
You might want to ease into the exploration by having a threesome with a man/woman couple. I did that many years ago out of curiosity in one of those adult-video stores with the peep show booths. A man and a woman beckoned me into their booth. Because what ensued did not involve sex according to the Clintonian definition, my friends insist that I must not claim to have had sex with a woman. What did happen between the three of us had me laughing as I left the booth, and I am glad to have pushed myself into uncharted waters.
I think there are many of us who, although we don't feel strongly enough about it to pursue it, are not averse to sex with the opposite. Your attraction to women may be stronger than ours.
Have you ever considered having sex with someone who has in some way transitioned (or is in the process of transitioning) from one sex to another? The feminine/masculine mix might help you discover what you're after, or, it might prove to be a muddled and badly mixed cocktail of sensations. Once, in the sauna of a gym in Manhattan, while I was quietly reading a copy of Details, a tall, long-haired and smooth-skinned man with a huge dick, and breasts enhanced with female hormones, approached me silently for sex. He had an enormous and mesmerizing black star tattoo overlapping the cleavage of those breasts. We didn't do much more than handle each other's parts, but he was insistent that I bite his enlarged nipples. It was just about as odd an experience as a man of my age could hope for. I felt nothing, and decided that this should bolster my belief in the strength of my own traditional sexuality, but who knows if that was a correct conclusion.
This is seriously what I'd like you to consider: There is a huge difference between feeling attraction for the opposite sex and just wanting to feel attraction for the opposite sex. Some gay men, never fully accepting their homosexuality, hold onto a residual desire to be heterosexual. They never grow to love themselves enough to shed that niggling and wistfully adolescent desire for "normalcy". Is that you? If so, resolve that issue and your dreams will disappear.
Also consider this: Are you a fishin', huntin' and cussin' kind of guy who spends a lot of free time with your straight guy friends? If you are, it would be understandable to wonder about doing that thing that they like to do, just as they have undoubtedly considered doing that thing that you like to do. It's natural, dude. Don't sweat it. It's like when I watch porn (and that happens rarely). I find the men in straight porn much more attractive than the men in gay porn. Now that, my friend, is a can of worms, and one that I don't even want to get to the bottom of, except to note that whenever I've said this to my gay friends, I've had my beads read most severely. Take the easy route: rent some porn that mixes it up and let me know what happens.