Have you ever seen a 3way relationship work? Really? We tried it once and it didn't go so hot because he was more into Fred (my partner) than me. This time I was the instigator, but he seems to like Fred just as much as me and Fred feels good about it.
Third man in
Dear adventurous partner of Fred,
Yes, I have seen 3way relationships work, but they are not to be encouraged for most couples that are looking to expand their love.
They are more dangerous than the illegal back flip performed by that French skater, Surya Bonaly.
The relationship that you and Fred (or any gay men) now have, no matter how secure, is a perilous high wire act. No matter how devoted you are to each other and no matter how solid the foundation of your relationship may be, are you sure you want to act like the Wallendas, adding one more cousin to the pyramid and then falling to the ground before a tentful of screaming children?
In subsequent emails, you clarified for me that you are not talking about just a one-nighter. You're talking making someone a fixture. (Like buying season tickets to watch the Nets or the Celtics, you're advance-planning your pleasure.) Also, you are talking about someone who is considerably younger than both of you.
It seems that you do not intend for this fellow to actually move into your house, but rather, you intend to maintain some distance that would preserve an element of sanctuary to your partnership with Fred.
Like good scouts, you must be prepared.
Here are my thoughts about this:
- Be prepared for the fact that the Third will never feel equally about you and Fred. He will feel more affection for one than for the other. More attraction to one than to the other. And, over time, that balance may change. Most couples cannot deal with this reality. One always ends up feeling on the colder side of the bed. It takes two very strong egos to play this game.
- Be prepared for unexpected changes in your relationship with Fred that will be caused by the addition of the Third. Some couples actually feel more affection for each other once they can bounce a Third back and forth like a beach ball between them. Others find that they don't have enough affection for all involved and someone starts to starve for it.
- Be prepared for the Third to change as well. Today, he adores you both. In a short amount of time, he'll be chatting away with the neighbors, shopping for a puppy, thinking about school and batting his eyes at your closest friends while serving mojitos at your next Christmas party.
- Be prepared to become bored with sex with the Third. We pretty much follow a three-strikes-and-you're-out rule when it comes to 3ways. Very rarely have we had any interest in having sex with a Third more than three times. It quickly becomes work. Some of those guys have, however, become lasting friends.
This type of experience has taught me how to be an excellent Third (albeit not in a longterm relationship) myself. I now know how to give a couple an extremely satisfying night because I know what they are thinking. I can sense their insecurities and I know exactly how to put them both at ease. I've had guys thank me profusely for what I brought to their bed, and I'm not talking about dick.
If you are prepared for the eventualities, give it a shot.
I sometimes wonder if there are any 3ways that have lasted for more than a few months or a few years. I don't know of any but I suspect there are some. The fact that I don't know of any indicates their rarity or perhaps some fundamental deficiency of structure. There are significant differences between gay 3ways and hetero 3ways that make them incomparable. (Three of a kind relate differently than do two of a kind plus one of the other kind.) Also, I've never known a lesbian 3way relationship of any permanence, although I suppose they do flourish somewhere on some unexplored portion of the Amazon.
One final question. Why do you want this? If it is because there is something not quite right at home, don't do it. If is just for fun or just because it has come knocking on your door, and if you and Fred have both studied the map in each other's eyes, then have fun and let me know how it goes. And send pictures.