Father Tony

A fool and his donuts are soon parted.

Filed By Father Tony | February 26, 2009 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: gay sex, kink, teabagging

Dear Father Tony,

I've been seeing one guy for about six months and have stopped dating anyone else. I think we are in love and that this may be the guy I spend my life with but there is one thing about him that worries me. Every time we have sex - and I do mean EVERY time - he starts shouting out "Yank 'em! Harder! Do it harder! More! More!" No matter how hard I pull on his balls, he still begs for more. Sometimes, I am afraid that if I pull any harder, they will come off in my hand and I'll end up on the other side of the room.

At first, I used to laugh about this, but he felt hurt by that. I guess a man can't help what he gets turned on by. Now I do it without being asked, but he still yells for more. I don't think he could cum without it. And, he has started to ask me to use my teeth instead of my hand....

Is this dangerous? Is it kinky in a way that could lead to some really weird stuff from him once we settle in together? Can I train him to like something else?

I'm Stretched-to-the-limit.

Dear Stretched,

I have, in my long career as a sex player (not worker, although I deeply regret not having sold it all those years rather than giving it away) encountered many men who have made similar and worrisome demands regarding their scrotums and contents thereof. This leads me to believe that ball yanking is not uncommon. I remember reading somewhere that the skin of the scrotum is similar to the skin of the exterior of the vagina in that it is stretchable. It is certainly retractable and will shrink in cold water and in the presence of Dolly Parton.

You might want to experiment with your own scrotum, as have I, to see what a severe stretching feels like. You should then grab your ear and try stretching it with equal enthusiasm. You will either discover a new erogenous zone or learn the differences of your derm.

Personally, I have discovered that yanking my ear is painful and yanking my scrotum is numbing. Also, I have learned through unfortunate experience that when a man puts my balls in his mouth, the pain leaves me fighting to remain conscious. Whenever anyone attempts this, I immediately shove a finger between their uppers and lowers to prevent the vice while I signal the troops to retreat.

I have also encountered scrotums whose owners have injected them with a saline solution that turns them into swollen balloons. When I encounter this kind of pastry, I know the expectation is that I will chomp away at it, but I just can't shed the yucky feeling that I'm swimming just offshore with my jaws open and trying to swallow a briny jellyfish. When I say no to these men, they invariably give me a crestfallen look, like a grandmother whose heirloom mincemeat pie goes ignored at Thanksgiving.

Is it dangerous? Yes. All sex is dangerous, on both the microscopic and galactic levels. Proceed with caution. If alcohol is involved, the danger of permanent damage increases. To counter what the drunken poet Dylan Thomas (who probably had demanding low-hangers) once wrote, this is one good night into which you should go gently.

I would imagine that every man has a limit beyond which he will not enjoy being stretched, yanked, tugged or bitten. You and your guy have not yet arrived there. I would recommend that the two of you go shopping at your local sex emporium for the sort of device, appliance, contraption or accoutrement that may be used during sex to achieve the effect he desires more safely and without your getting carpal tunnel or a dislocated jaw.

Will this lead to further kinks? Maybe. So what? Find your own kinks and write a wider two-person script.

Can you train him to like something else? No. You can train him to accept something else, but the sensation of your relentless grip on his junk will always be his Proustian madeleines.


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Wow. I just don't know what to say here. Yank 'em, I guess. Ring them like cowbells if that's what he likes.

Bil! I hurt!!!!

XD

I don't have much interest in the ol' family jewels, and even when I had men in my bed, can't say their Twins were of much interest to me then either. This article was fun to read though, and the "write a wider two-person script" tickled my fancy. Cool beans!