I was tired yesterday. Sleep wasn't my friend the night before. Every time I drifted into it I had the most awful dreams. Children, so many of them, being abused and I was trying to save them all.
I hate those dreams. when it's me, well, I can wake up and know I'm ok. But when it's nameless kids, and many of them, it haunts me. I know it's happening all around me and there is nothing I can do about it.
Until the other day. I was sent an email about a kid who needs a home in Newton. Do you know how sometimes the universe works with all it's energy in one direction? Literally, 9 different people sent me the email.
Can you give a foster home for this kid?
Sixteen years old. The kid has been lifting some heavy, impossible loads. Out of respect, I will not list the details but you can know that this child reminds me of myself.
It is no longer faceless, anonymous many like in the dream. It's a real child.
Jeanine said we can talk to the social worker, have an interview, but we need to understand the effect it will have on our children. Our lives. It's a full time job and she already has one.
My projection is so thick, I can only see a kid who needs to be given basic safety. A bed. Meals. And some kindness.
It is not a limited resource in me. Can I do it for two years?
When I was young, I dreamed of running away and making a life for myself in the wilderness. I read the Foxfire Books. I wanted out, to a place I could breathe.
Like I said, the projection is thick.
I've come to accept that the dreams will never end. They don't happen every night now, and as time goes on, I'm sure they will lessen more. I've taken the broken glass that filled me and made a mosaic. There are still sharp edges but I don't bleed as often.
I have a lot I can teach. The level of pain doesn't frighten me.
I've done a lot of impulsive things in my life. Taking in a foster child cannot be one.
I cannot ignore the pull of the universe. Now, at a time when I am solidly on the ground and can actually do it. When I feel full enough, safe enough.
I have a call to make today.