Guest Blogger

Chronicles of a Guest Blogger, Part 2: Secrets you didn't know about the Bilerico Contributors

Filed By Guest Blogger | April 01, 2009 1:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: Monica Helms

Editors' note: Today is April Fool's at the Bilerico Project, and Monica Helms is joining in the fun.

A few months ago, I wrote an article entitled, "Chronicles of a Guest Blogger," where I gave people a look behind the scenes at the Bilerico Big House, where the contributors live and Guest Bloggers get to spend the night. I revealed some of the most well kept secrets behind the scenes of the Bilerico Empire and what a person experiences when given the chance to become a coveted Guest Blogger. In this article, I will reveal secrets about certain Bilerico contributors and founders that they would never want the world to know.

Sara Whitman: We all know Sara as this wonderful mother of three children and wife of a great partner, living an "ordinary" life of a suburban American. But, you don't know about her secret life, one far from "ordinary." Sara happens to be the seventh-richest woman in the world and jets to exotic places when she doesn't write articles for Bilerico. She uses the ball cap picture to throw people off on her very secret identity.

She tries to hide her secret life well, but as the experienced investigative reporter that I am, I discovered this special secret. I followed her one night as she left the Big House in a long evening gown and six body guards. They took her to a private airport where she stepped onto a private jet, heading to Paris. I saw the flight plan.

Rebecca Juro: I couldn't believe this when I found out about Rebecca's secret. She is a famous bass fisher, with her own show on the Fishing Network, and she goes by the name of "Bass Boat Becky." Becky has become famous world wide on her specific baiting techniques, which has proven time and again to catch the largest bass in the area. She has taught millions on these baiting techniques, giving her the title of "Master Baiter." Check your local listings for times. Of course, we have seen her bait people in her articles and heard her bait people on her radio show, so she earns the same title from us.

Donna Rose: Donna and I have known each other for about 11 years now, so I have seen her truly transition to the person we see today. We all know Donna as a person who can look gorgeous at major events in this community, without a hair out of place and makeup so perfect. But, did you know that in the 1980s and even a couple of years after she started her transition, Donna was a member of a heavy metal, punk, head-banging rock group called "Middle Finger?"

I have seen Donna in tight, black leather pants, a red leather vest and spiked, multi-colored hair. She wore heavy black eye-liner and black lipstick, playing lead guitar and screamed out lyrics that you couldn't understand. Quite a change from the soft-spoken Donna we see today. I attended a Middle Finger gig at a local bar in Phoenix one time and they didn't impress me. She told me the group broke up when she left to live her new life.

If you read Donna's book or saw all of her pictures on her web site, you won't find any pictures of her with Middle Finger. It's because she's stealth about being a head-banger rocker in her past life. She'll be upset with me for outing her about this. After all, people are more at ease with her being a transsexual then being a heavy-metal rocker.

Monica Roberts: I have known Monica for almost as long as I have known Donna Rose. She referrers to me as "SeaMonica," because I was in the Navy, and I refer to her as "AirMonica," because she used to work for an airline. Since I have known her for so long, I have long since known the secret she has been hiding. Like Shirley MacLaine, Monica knows about the many past lives she has lived.

She has at least a hundred lives she can remember, some as men, some as women and some as other trans people. One of those past lives is very important to me as the President of the Transgender American Veterans Association, the life of Cathay Williams. Williams, a former slave, joined the US Army in 1866 and served two years as a man. Monica has given us a great deal of information on the life of Cathay Williams.

On top of all of that, Monica also lived as British hooker in 1722, a rodeo clown in 1896 and a flapper girl in 1927. Yep, she has had some wonderful lives.

Brynn Craffey: For those who don't know, Brynn has duel citizenship because of his ancestry. (No joke.) Not only is he a citizen of the US, but also of Ireland. You have to understand the importance of this fact. Brynn's secret is that he has been the King of the Leprechauns for 475 years, yet looks to be a rather tall person for a leprechaun. Because of being a trans man, he started off as the Queen of the Leprechauns, but had to have his title changed when he started transitioning. Seems that leprechauns happen to be very open-minded people and accepting of diversity.

Now, I'm going to warn all of you single men and women to be very careful around Brynn. He's been known to use the line, "Want to come up to my place sweetie and see my pot of gold? I'll even let you try and catch me." Now, I've been around a while and heard everything, but this would throw me for a loop. I suppose you can say that Brynn's true title is "The King of the Letcher-cons."

Eric Leven: Eric has one of the most interesting secrets amongst all of the Bilerico Projectors. He is a world famous Bear hunter, patrolling the urban jungle of New York City for the elusive Grey Bear... no wait, that's "Gay Bear." He has bagged hundreds of Bears over the years, even having some of their heads on the walls of his study. When you see him in his khaki shorts, khaki vest with many pockets and pith helmet, you quickly understand why he can be so successful in his hunt for the majestic Gay Bear.

Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore: Mattilda has post some of the most interesting pieces on Bilerico, many reflecting personal experiences. Mattilda has made me cry, made me laugh and made me angry, but has always made me think. I figured for a person who has opened up so much on Bilerico that I would have a hard time discovering any secrets. I was wrong. However, the secret I discovered seemed so outrageous, so beyond belief that I figured it best not to say anything. Mattilda, you owe me big time.

Bil Browning: Many of you may have noticed that Bil's first name is missing an "l," and he doesn't want anyone to know why. I know why. When he turned four, he suffered from a rare childhood disease, causing him to lose one of his "l"s. Doctors tried to save the "l" from this ellness, but were not successful. At the time, they had not perfected replacing a missing "l" with prostheses, so he had to grow up with only one "l." Like kidneys, a person can survive with just one "l."

Bil suffers from a childhood disease called "Lost Letter Syndrome, " which affects one point seven million children yearly and their spokesperson is Vanna White. The affect is worse on those children who have lost their vowels, because it can make it difficult for them to have a vowel movement.

As he grew up, the other kids would taunt and tease him for having just one "l," making him go through ell. Girls would reject him, causing him to become gay. He eventually grew up and met Jerame, a person with the love and understanding to look past Bil's deformity. However, to this day, he cannot watch "The L-Word," but not because it's about lesbians, but because of its title.

The doctors have perfected an operation that can replace Bil's missing "l," and they call it an "L Bilateral Juxapostion," or "LBJ," but it cost a great deal of money and all he would get would be a non-functioning, faux "l." He is still sensitive about having only one "l" and doesn't like it when people stare. After a while, you get used to the fact that he only has one "l."

Dana Rudolph: The newest member of the Editorial Team, Dana presented a real challenge to seek out and explore her secret identity. No, she's not Superwoman or Batgirl, but she can really be a Bad Girl when the time calls for it. This sweet and innocent woman who everyone has come to love has a dark side, literally and figuratively. The day I saw Dana in her tight, black polyurethane outfit, with six-inch spike boots, a tight black corset, a black mask and black riding crop I had to pause for a moment and stare. Now, I'm not into BDSM, but seeing Dana in her "working uniform" made me think twice about my decision.

Later, I found out that Dana's intended "victims" happen to be unsuspecting straight women, especially married ones. She provides them with some excitement they just can't get in their everyday, mundane and straight lives. Many have so much fun with Dana that they turn in their straight card to become wonderful lesbians. I understand the number of women she has converted falls into the hundreds. I'm hoping to get some of her leftovers the next time I'm at the Bilerico Big House.

Father Tony: Father Tony was a virtual unknown to the Bilerico team, until Alex became possessed with the spirit of Marcel Marceau. It happened when Alex lived in France, after he accidentally wondered into a mime class while looking for a new gay bar. Some of you may remember that a few months back, Alex did not post anything for quite a while. When you're possessed with the spirit of Marcel Marceau, words become hard to come by.

Bil called Father Tony in to do an exorcism on Alex, but before he would proceed, he had Bil sign a contract that would put him on the Editorial Team and in charge of deleting comments that violate the TOS. Begrudgingly, Bil signed the contract, Alex became cured and Father Tony now works on the Editorial Team.

Alex Blaze: Before Alex became possessed by the spirit of Marcel Marceau and became a member of the Bilerico Team, he did bit parts in various movies. He starred in three Robin William movies in his career, including being one of the students in The Dead Poet's Society, one of the sick kids in Patch, and a lost boy in Hook. Robin Williams wanted him in Good Morning, Vietnam, but Alex isn't Asian. Since he still looks like a young kid, he still gets parts playing a 12-year-old.

Waymon Hudson: Little does anyone know, but Waymon traveled on the same spaceship that the Fantastic Four ventured in space when hit by the wave that gave them their super powers. Waymon served as the ship's cook and janitor and he also got super powers. He's considered "Fantastic 4.5." His powers did not show up until he became emotional and started crying, pouring buckets of water out of his eyes. He and Andrew had to build a seven-foot dike (dyke?) around their house, placing it on stilts so it wouldn't flood out during a tear-jerker movie. His super hero name: "Water Boy."

Michael Crawford: Sweet Michael lives a rather quiet life in Washington, DC, getting out occasionally at night to have dinner with friends, or in some cases, ON friends. Yes, Michael is a vampire. He's the person that they used to base Wesley Snipes' character in Blade. He uses swords, knives, guns and every weapon short of nuclear bombs. He loves to wine and dine young men, before he takes a chunk out of their throats. Because of Michael, the silverware in the Bilerico Big House cannot really made of silver. Oh, and he loves his steaks very rare.

Jerame Davis: You don't want to mess with Jerame. He served in the military as a Navy Seal and not only can he blow up a battleship with an M-80 firecracker and two shotgun shells, but he can kill a person in 735 different ways, with his bare hands. He did a stint with the CIA, but had to retire when Dick Chaney blew his cover in the Valerie Perrine incident. Upset with Chaney, Jerame retaliated by sending the former VP a microwave oven. (Hint: Chaney has a pacemaker.)

Now, we all know Jerame as Bilerico's uber-geek, but that's just his cover here. Be aware that he has a dossier on everyone who has ever posted or commented on Bilerico since the first day. If he doesn't like you, he can take you out, and we're not talking about taking you out to dinner. Just be careful around him.

These are some of the most interesting secrets I have discovered while spending just a few days as a Guest Blogger at the Bilerico Big House. I found others, but time, space and the extreme fear of those people keeps me from reveling them.


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My secret is out! At least now I can start selling all my toaster ovens on eBay!

Ooo. Damn it, I knew I should have went with the Leprechauns when I had the chance.

Monica, I can only thank God that you didn't disclose the fact that I am an MTF who had a bifurcated penis that is now in formaldehyde on Bil's mantle.

Damn! I was going to use that as a bargaining chip against you the next time I screwed up in the comment section. You just blew the formaldehyde penis for me!

ewwwww....

"You just blew the formaldehyde penis..."

that was my girlfriend in the long gown, thank you very much.

I had on the armani suit.

AH! That explains why one of the guards appeared to be a sharper dresser then the others.

I work for Blackwater -- the secret is out :)

Mattilda,
I figured that was too much for people to take. I'm sure you feel good getting that off your chest, but watch your back.

When he turned four, he suffered from a rare childhood disease, causing him to lose one of his "l"s. Doctors tried to save the "l" from this ellness, but were not successful. At the time, they had not perfected replacing a missing "l" with prostheses, so he had to grow up with only one "l." Like kidneys, a person can survive with just one "l."

I got a serious case of the lumps. My L swelled so big it had to be amputated.

The doctors have perfected an operation that can replace Bil's missing "l," and they call it an "L Bilateral Juxapostion," or "LBJ," but it cost a great deal of money and all he would get would be a non-functioning, faux "l." He is still sensitive about having only one "l" and doesn't like it when people stare.

I just want to say that I don't pull my faux L out in public often, but sometimes in restrooms it gets uncomfortable. And now how am I ever going to get a date that Monica has told everyone it's "non-functioning"?

We all have our crosses to bear. (bare?) I suppose I'll be going to ell after telling people about this?

"master baiter", huh? Damn, I guess I do have some baiting techniques....he he he...very cute Monica! :)

Brynn Craffey Brynn Craffey | April 1, 2009 11:57 PM

Ah, everyone used ter laugh at me pot o'gold. "Yer a stick in da mud, yer are, Broin,* what wit yer hoardin' da gold. Time t'join da modern world, t'is! Da REAL money, t'is in real estate!!!"

Well, who's laughin' now, eh?!!

^Irish spelling of me name.

King Broin,
Gold is at an all time high and real estate has tanked. Tell you what. I got just to thing to invest your gold in. Me. (giggle)