Controversial pastor Rick Warren appears on the cover of this week's People magazine to announce: "Yes, I'm Gay." Warren says that he is tired of leading a double life and that he no longer wants to be secretive about his many adventures in the bathroom glory holes of Saddleback Church, the evangelical institution that he founded in Lake Forest, California. Plus, he's tired of hiding his macramé bracelet collection.
Warren claims that the reason why he has compared homosexuality to incest and pedophelia in the past is because he has long been in extreme denial about his own feelings toward men, especially those who are uncircumcised. "I like uncut Slovakians. I don't know what it is about foreskin, but throw on a Bel Ami video and I become Jell-O.... Well, I mean, more than I am already."
Warren plans to celebrate his new alternative lifestyle by throwing a circuit party in Duluth, Minnesota.
"Rick Warren's Big Fat Gay Duluth Circuit Party" will take place the weekend of April 10, 2009, at the Motel 6 parking lot on South 27th Avenue. The clothing-optional event will feature a barbecue tent - where twinks with attitude will grill hot dogs, corn on the cob, and other phallic foods - and several Dance Dance Revolution video games - so that you can groove to your heart's content. Warren also plans to rent a bouncy castle.
The fate of Saddleback Church is as of yet undecided. Longtime churchgoers have expressed disappointment, but not surprise.
"I think we all have been trying to avoid the inevitable for a very long time," says Annie Larkin, 56. "I mean, look at his goatee. His coming out was bound to happen. But I was hoping that it wouldn't occur until after I died."
Warren responded to his new critics by saying, "God created Slovakian pornography. And if God created it, then it is good.... And if Johan Paulik is reading this, I LOVE YOU!"
Tickets to "Rick Warren's Big Fat Gay Duluth Circuit Party" are on sale now.