Rick Warren Comes Out, Throws Big Gay Circuit Party
Filed by: Prince Gomolvilas
April 1, 2009 7:30 PM
Controversial pastor Rick Warren appears on the cover of this week's People magazine to announce: "Yes, I'm Gay." 
Warren says that he is tired of leading a double life and that he no longer wants to be secretive about his many adventures in the bathroom glory holes of Saddleback Church, the evangelical institution that he founded in Lake Forest, California. Plus, he's tired of hiding his macramé bracelet collection.
Warren claims that the reason why he has compared homosexuality to incest and pedophelia in the past is because he has long been in extreme denial about his own feelings toward men, especially those who are uncircumcised. "I like uncut Slovakians. I don't know what it is about foreskin, but throw on a Bel Ami video and I become Jell-O.... Well, I mean, more than I am already."
Warren plans to celebrate his new alternative lifestyle by throwing a circuit party in Duluth, Minnesota.
"Rick Warren's Big Fat Gay Duluth Circuit Party" will take place the weekend of April 10, 2009, at the Motel 6 parking lot on South 27th Avenue. The clothing-optional event will feature a barbecue tent - where twinks with attitude will grill hot dogs, corn on the cob, and other phallic foods - and several Dance Dance Revolution video games - so that you can groove to your heart's content. Warren also plans to rent a bouncy castle.
The fate of Saddleback Church is as of yet undecided. Longtime churchgoers have expressed disappointment, but not surprise.
"I think we all have been trying to avoid the inevitable for a very long time," says Annie Larkin, 56. "I mean, look at his goatee. His coming out was bound to happen. But I was hoping that it wouldn't occur until after I died."
Warren responded to his new critics by saying, "God created Slovakian pornography. And if God created it, then it is good.... And if Johan Paulik is reading this, I LOVE YOU!"
Tickets to "Rick Warren's Big Fat Gay Duluth Circuit Party" are on sale now.
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11 Comments
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This just keeps getting better and better. LMAO (:
Gerri Ladene | April 1, 2009 7:43 PM
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Brilliant!
Dana Rudolph | April 1, 2009 7:45 PM
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What's really ironic is that, just as this was going on, a small gay group in San Francisco admitted maybe, just maybe, Caucasian heterosexual males aren't the cause of every evil in the world.
JJJJ | April 1, 2009 8:48 PM
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SIGH!!!!
JJJJ, darling,
That wasn't a "small gay group in San Francisco." It was the massive, dour East Bay congregation of First Nations genderqueer Lesbian commercial sex workers releasing Caucasian other-gender-loving XY-coded penis bearers from the sins of their foreparents.
bigolpoofter | April 1, 2009 9:35 PM
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I almost believed this for a moment.
mike | April 1, 2009 9:55 PM
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BEST. STORY. EVER. Props to you, my friend.
Phil\ | April 2, 2009 2:16 AM
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That belongs in "the onion"
And who says you cannot join in with altering reality like the rest of em. Right? Yes indeed. Keep it up. It's inspiring. There are always grains of truth in propaganda or so i hear.
ewe | April 2, 2009 3:19 AM
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So when are you going to post an April Fools story?
David in Houston | April 2, 2009 6:15 AM
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Ew. Enough said.
Looking For Hope | April 2, 2009 8:45 AM
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I just went on Amazon and ordered my copy of Rev. Warren's next book, "The Purpose-Driven Cock" ... (His publishers convinced Warren to drop the word "Uncircumcized" out of the title) ...
... oh, I wish I had a Kendle so I could download it immediately, the Fedex-Overnight delivery is so sloooooow! it will be April 2nd when I receive it!
A. J. Lopp | April 2, 2009 3:02 PM
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HAHAHAHAHA! I'm sure the Duluth tourist board would appreciate that!
Alex Blaze | April 3, 2009 4:52 AM
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