I have an announcement to make about a decision I have reached after several months of soul-searching. I am returning to active ministry in the Roman Catholic Church. As some of you may know, I was never suspended, so my return to the priesthood is a non-event as far as the Church is concerned.
Why I am returning to the Roman Catholic Priesthood
I will miss all of you, and I certainly hope that your prayers will guide you to stop attacking His Holiness Benedict XVI, who is the Vicar of Christ on earth, and who, in his infinite compassion wishes to embrace all of you and cloak you with the overwhelmingly salubrious grace and peace of our Lord and Savior. Turn to him if you are unhappy or unhealthy.
How did I reach my decision? Well, I could no longer ignore the messages I was receiving from Jesus. He sent me crow's feet and a receding hairline. He speaks through cashiers who call me Sir, and not in the hot way. This despite my prayers to remain forever 35 years old (Yes, I'm finally revealing my real age).
Something that happened yesterday finally caused my conversion (reversion?). While clipping my toenails in the bathroom, the ones that fell on the floor spelled out the word MARY!
How can I ignore both Jesus and his mother?
As to that inconvenience known as my husband, you will find him available on Craigslist under household and small appliances.
My blessings upon all of you, and if we should ever pass each other on the street, just pretend you don't see me, because blinded anew by the brilliant light of God's face, I won't notice you, even though I forgive you.