The Bilerico Project | Daily experiments in LGBTQ

Editors' Note: Projector Toni D'orsay sent in this Then & Now. She is an advocate and activist for the trans community based in Arizona. If you'd like to participate too, send in your before and after photos and lists.

THEN: (December 15^th, 1996)

1. I was coming close to celebrating Christmas with my family, which had recently grown via birth of my son (also shown, not quite a year old) -- it was a sore spot with my Witness wife.
2. I had a problem with being overly macho. Some say I still do...
3. I was 10 pounds lighter, and capable of readily lifting my present body weight.
4. I was spending every night wishing that the hell I was in would change magically overnight.
5. I wore rose colored glasses. On purpose.
6. I was negotiating a loan that took my personal company a few months later from 3 people to 14. Three years later, I sold the company for a sum that I wish I still had.
7. I was quietly working on a national sociology project that was wiped out by 9/11
8. I had recently set up DSL at my then home, a tiny, cramped apartment
9. I was scared of everything, and did a lot to hide that fear.
10. I was pretty happy.

NOW: (April 23^rd, 2009 - State ID photo)

1. I am not a guy. That wish came true.
2. I have a wonderful boyfriend
3. I haven't spoken with my son in a year (today), haven't seen him in a bit longer.
4. I had my first Christmas tree in over a decade this past Christmas
5. I wear contacts. Clear ones. On purpose.
6. I haven't worked since I started transition -- and subsist on less than 500 a month.
7. I can't use my education without using my old name.
8. I use a wireless internet connection that allows me to be highly mobile and online all the time.
9. I am scared of very little -- and each time I find a fear (like, say, showing pictures of how I used to be) I face it.
10. I had to give up everything I cared for and loved, from people to material possessions to ideas and hopes and dreams. And I've gained all new stuff back tenfold over what I lost. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy -- the benefits are too great.