Waymond, never allow anyone to hurt you again. You have moved on to be such a wonderful man, husband,son, son in law, brother, brother in law and nephew! Everyone that counts love you, without any hestitation. I am extremely proud to call you my nephew, even if its by marriage to Anthony. I am so very proud of you both. Lean on Anthony, he loves you. Just do not put your guard down, and allow anyone to ever hurt you again.If parents only knew the impact they have on their children's lives,they would over come their own past and make a beautiful life for their own.Then some just do not want to put the time or effort into it, his loss! To "love", you need to be loved,(thank God you had the love from your mom and sisters) that is a major link that your father is missing, but he could have made it right on his own.Move on sweetie, and keep your values, and your intense love that you show us all.
I love you,
Aunt Nancy

notice I didn't use a cuss word, but they were in my head, screaming to come out:) lol

Ya know, from the post I get the feeling there are still unresolved issues, and I am not sure you shouldn't contact him back.

It's probably a discussion for your therapist, but maybe, just maybe, it would do you a world of good to confront the guy. Not in a mean and hateful way, but to show him the life you have...the life he could have had. That might be the best revenge (best served cold).

Making that contact, showing him who and what you have become does not mean you forgive him. You're under no obligation to do that (or any of these suggestions for that matter).

I sense a level of hate, and this may give you the chance to empty your soul of that. It may not change how you feel about him, and that's OK, but it just might bring that final healing.

Again, I'm no therapist, but I'm suggesting I wouldn't rush to a decision, and perhaps discuss with the therapist most familiar with where you are.

I think you have found your solutions regarding this matter and it is in the words you wrote.

I remembered the physical abuse. The Sam Brown belt and the anger that went along with it. But I was in my late thirties when the sexual abuse popped up out of some hidden crevice in my brain. My abusers were themselves abused: two women in my family. Then some man whose face I have yet to see. I was screaming as he tried to enter me. And the only one who heard my cries was our faithful dog who, in spite of his diminutive frame, tore through a screen to attack the man. That dog hd lain under my crib from the time I came home from the hospital He would attack anyone he didn't know who came near me.
It has taken decades of therapy, but I've come to a place of forgiveness and understanding. I have trouble with boundaries. Yet this vulnerability was a boon to my profession.
The vestiges of the events still come back to re-inflict the pain. Somehow manipulative "power women" quickly get me in their cross hairs and unjustly cause me great pain. I am a minister. Once one of the "power women" was disturbed by the peace I was bringing to a congregation and began the pathetic rumor--he even counsels women behind closed doors. And, of course, my defense of being gay had to remain hidden. There is one more vestige that frequently reminds me--a torn sphincter.
One of the "power women" recently hurt me badly. You'd think I would have learned by now.

I agree with some parts of this post, primarily the part that holding silent hate in your heart corrodes you much more than it hurts your father.
I would urge you to talk this over with your partner, your therapist and/or a clergy person. I realize some things are too horrible to be forgiven or forgotten, but I think you need to find a way to let go of the past, despite the indelible scars. I wish you well in crossing that final bridge, whatever it entails.

i really understand what you are saying. i didn't talk to my own father for the last 20 years of his life. except for once, which ended in his attacking me and my losing control, leaving him bloody. not my best hour.

if he means it, he can earn it, but a note on FB doesn't make up for what was done, doesn't erase the past. nothing can erase that kind of past. if he ever really changes, really goes through the suffering of knowing and changing, then forgiveness is the best weapon, but forgive and forget can't happen. in the end we have to forgive ourselves. what they did to us is not our fault. it isn't up to us to make others feel good. there is no easy way out, and forgiving oneself first is a first step, and a last one too.

Way,

You have drawn the boundary in the correct place.

It may sound harsh, but "forgiveness" is not just over-rated, it can be destructive to the victim. Read Alice Miller's The Body Never Lies.

His contrition won't heal your wounds. You will not heal by looking at the past in a different way. Simply being loved in the present, and learning to accept it as a natural human right, is what works.

That takes time. And a lot of love. Lucký you found it.

HB8

P.S. Aunt Nancy rocks. Cuss-word version next time, OK?

I think the key for you, Waymond, is to do those things that will bring you peace and allow you to live an even more rewarding life.

His feelings and desires are not relevant. Do what you wish to do to make yourself even more whole.

argh. Not sure what you should do.
Except maybe this.
There is a reason that wall is there.
Hatred is a double edge sword.
And forgiving and forgeting
seems the way to go.
By that, I mean forgiving is healing to ones self.
And by forgeting, I mean keep your distance.
If he wants to make amends, maybe staying away is the way to do that.

Take a look at Dr. Susan Forward's book, "Toxic Parents". It is a quick read for another perspective. All people are entitled to survive childhood with self-esteem and untraumatized. In some people, a festering hurt or anger is a continuation of the trauma. I have heard some persons who were abused say that they never wanted to hear from the abusive parent again, and then experience some personal self-improvement from a contact or confrontation. I know a guy who met the abusive parent with his therapist present. I do not hear personal peace in your post, Waymon, and this is why I think that you need to examine the issue with some professional help, maybe a short period of group therapy with other survivors who have dealt with this same issue of determining the place of the abuser in their lives. You are now an adult, you know how to protect yourself, and you know how to keep him away if necessary. I believe that no answer is comfortable, no matter what you decide. This is definitely a situation in which there is no one answer that everyone should follow. You need to explore with your therapist, spirittual advisor, and lover what will lead you to more personal peace, and what may bring you to the next level of your own growth and improved self-esteem.
I think that family members are normally bad sources of advice on these matters, they all have their own axes to grind, especially why they could not or did not rescue the victim or stop it. You should take your time to come to a decision, and leave the rest out of it. You should not feel that you need to explain or justify your life to anyone, even Aunt Nancy, although she is good and loving.

You are quite right in disregarding the facebook message. By doing so, you reaffirm that you have moved beyond this negative. Your focus is on the future, not the past. I’m sure the “delete” click will be easier should you need it in the future.