Fr Tony, you are wonderful, but I have to chime in here because discussion of sex wherein you are not a participant is boring. One of the greatest sluts I have ever known was a concert pianist in New York who insisted "The bedroom is a place for absolute silence and complete mystery."

The only time Raymond ever spoke to me about sex was when he discovered that one of his tricks had been with a woman and he found out about it. He was angry and told me what he said: "If you think you are ever going to stick that thing in me again you are woefully mistaken." :)

Raymond kept his own "Asbestos Diary" and had finally taken to abbreviating everything so much only he could interpret what had happened. His tastes always ranged from one exoticism to another, but he virtually never had to describe them and by keeping his mystery...he got laid more often.

Yeah, I am not now,though I kind of was when I was pretending to be a guy, any sort of prude. I now love my body, battered though I am by things, and if I could I would go 'skyclad' as us Wiccans call it most evwerywhere.

I do not think it is prudishness on this guys part though that forced him to write to you.I think it is the same reason that we don't discuss a particularly good bowel movement with our friends, or at least I don't.

There is a matter of decorum and for want of a better phrase, 'social graces' to consider. IF they are at the bar and kicking back a few, well it is perfectly acceptable to discuss your latest sex capade with your friends if they want to hear it. If it is over a fine dinner at a swank resturaunt, well that is not really considered proper table discussion for a formal evening social event.

No for some reason I think the slut is goading his friends,out of jealousy or perversity I don't know. There is some kind of friction here in this group that needs to be addressed.

I understand why you wanted write your little screed on gay prudishness, I have seen it among the lesbian friends I have made and it is downright embarressing to see otherwise liberated women go victorian at times, really, i am just mortified by their antics.

Good advice, Tony.

To add: I wonder how much is "TMI" for this bunch?

And: I think the darling slut should get a new pack of friends.

I have a friend who is almost exactly like "The Slut". I don't know why I'm a prude (according to Father Tony) just because I don't want to hear about him fisting his latest trick over dinner or while riding somewhere in the car--especially if there are people around who don't know him that well and, are quite frankly, new to having gay friends and are put off by it.

My "The Slut" doesn't ever self-censor and it's embarrassing.

Wow...did the letter-writer not watch Sex and the City? If you're friends with Samantha, you have to be ready to talk to talk about sex, all the time, in ways you never thought possible. If you can't take it, don't be friends with Samantha, but it'll be your loss.

Or, if some more substantial cultural reference is needed, I have always admired the mission of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is to "promulgate universal joy and expiate stigmatic guilt."

I refuse to live ashamed of who I am and what I do. Cheer up and live free!

Hit it, Tony!

The writer is typical of Queer folks who have so internalized the sex phobia of their families and societies that they are unable to honor the joy and connectedness experienced through sex. Calling the friend "Slut" speaks volume about how the writer feels--why not something more accurate like "my dear friend who had more sex last week than I've had all my life"? Bottling up or editing our conversations about sex is part of what is continuing to kill us; and it's only by honest talk that we can gain insight about what's healthful and fulfilling.

I've been sexually generous since I first started messing around with a friend in elementary school. I'll agree that there's a time and place to talk about sex, just as there are ways in which sex can be counter-productive, regardless of how good it feels. That time and place may not be in a meeting with 25 hetero co-workers; but Queermen damned sure best be giving their friends to latitude to speak freely! Any other message to our friends about sexual candor only serves to reinforce the shame we've had put on us for being who we are....and that's not what friends are for!

There, there, everyone. Speaking on behalf of the starched nuns, I do suspect the issue is being misread: It does appear to me that the problem that the Friends are having is not distaste for subject of sex but the relentless habit of one of their company of dominating the conversation. That makes the problem less about propriety (bad taste or sex negativity) but merely of poor manners (monopolizing every conversation with one's own favorite subject).

As Father Tony points out, there are circumstances where it is not polite to discuss that we should be free to discuss amongst ourselves. Rule of thumb amongst the Sisters: If there are cloth napkins, hold the discussion of anal warts till dessert.

But the writer doesn't mention particulars. I expect the writers would be just as unhappy if the topic was the latest antics of The Slut's adorable puppy, or the politicical situation in France, or his current diet, or why it's important to not shop at Walmart. All are nice things to discuss, but is that all you have to talk about?

That being said, I also concur with BigOlPoofter above in that the word 'slut' needs to be retired. It's sex-negative, judgemental, and I don't like it even when it is self-applied (Sister Erotica Psychotica has it tattooed on her backside. Right next to the pigs. I ask you.) I much prefer the term 'sexually generous.'

It is indeed indispensible to be free to discuss everything and anything with one's friends, particularly in our community, as Father Tony says. But there's more to someone than just one subject, surely. I would hope the Friends would find a positive way to draw their sexually generous friend into a broader variety of conversation. There is more to him than his sex life. At least help him see the value in asking 'so, what's new with you?' once in a while.

During. And 'spooge' is acceptable with appetizers, but not during the soup course. Or main courses with sauces. And may I point out that in our House, I'm the most observant of manners. I'm probably at dinner with Sister Dirrty Sanchez who throws food and Sister Unity Divine who runs around eating off other people's plates. My life is one of patience and doom.

Oh, and it wasn't that I was encouraging other hobbies, only suggesting that his friends express interest in his other interests in addition to the wonderful fun sex he's having. Perhaps he never thought his friends would be interested in his bonsai collection or his vast knowledge of bee-keeping. (And it could cause the friends to reflect on 'careful what you wish for' and ask to return to the sex tales.)

It's quite possible, as others have pointed out, that this freedom to discuss sex is new and theraputic and quite valuable, thus should be treated with the same importance as a cancer diagnosis. It is also quite possible that it could be a sign of something troubling. If he is talking about high risk sex or using negative terms (such as 'slut', friends) then attention should be paid.

And on the third hand, it could be the friends are just irritated at having to listen to someone else talk when they have a great story about origami, which makes the ball gag a perfectly good solution. One affixed with a timer. No need to be censorious, just set it on the table, next to the wine carafe. It will give everyone the same reminder about being good listeners.

Didn't Foucault once famously oppose sexual liberation discourse? And he was a big ol' slut....

The irony of this deployment is in having us believe that our "liberation" is in the balance.

I'm kinda there with him, after being indoctrinated for years that sexuality is a subject to be quantified and verbalized instead of enjoyed.

But I'd take it further and in a different direction - the "sexually liberated" people I know don't all turn out to be all that "evolved" (if that term has any meaning), but just seem to think that their sexual liberation gets them off the hook for other sorts of oppressions and authoritative power structures they support. That makes sense to me - they have been indoctrinated with the idea that any will/desire that pops into their head is beautiful, much like that one Swedish philosopher whose work has justified some of the greatest oppression of our time....

The era of guilty dirty little secrets is coming to an end. Most kids have "seen it all" long before puberty, and that is drastically different from the way you and I were raised. The day will come when clothing will be seen only in museums or during intemperate seasons. Erections and orgasms will be as inconsequential and unremarkable as a sneeze at the office or in a subway car. Sex will be demythologized, and taboo and fetishes of all sorts will evaporate in sunlight. Surprisingly, sex will become more affectionate. Men and women will share bathrooms and showers without frenzy and anxiety. Meanwhile, folks with hang-ups, will miss the boat of good and playful sex because they will feel the need to close their eyes and cover their ears when men like "The Slut" start talking truth about human nature.

I respectfully disagree. I don't think that society is really moving in any particular direction on sexuality, as there were times in history where people were more open to having sex and talking about it and those times dissipated into others where people have lots of hang-ups.

Then again, social progress is a scam closely related to American Exceptionalism in which we think that everything we do nowadays is so much more enlightened than the way people were back then. It's then used in turn to justify how we live now as fundamentally more enlightened than say, Genghis Kahn's times, where wars were fought for land, because of course fighting wars for oil is so much better!

I don't think it's about prudery, it's about etiquette. Suppose the friend was a gourmet, and all he ever talked about was the meals he ate, the meals he was going to eat, the restaurants he visited, the restaurants he wanted to visit, what he thought about The Food Network personalities, ad inifinitum, ad nauseaum. I love food, I love to cook, and I love to eat. Nonetheless, there's a certain point where this just gets tiresome.

To me, it sounds more like "The Slut" is seeking to be the center of attention, and perhaps is failing to give considerate equal attention to his friends.

Any topic depends on how interested the group is in hearing what you have to tell, and how interesting the speaker tells it.

Any topic depends on how interested the group is in hearing what you have to tell, and how interestingly the speaker tells it.