Dear Overloaded,

Makes sense to me that you are disturbed by the initial conversation and now the intrusive visuals you are left with after hearing about your girlfriend's sexcapades with her exes. It's not so much the sharing of details that concern me, though, as much as it is her disregard for your boundaries, and the lack of respect she expressed for your feelings. Because she was "tipsy" this could be an issue of alcohol abuse and lack of inhibition/self-control which would indicate the need to address the role of alcohol use in your relationship - but I'll assume that is not the case here.

Some partners are comfortable sharing prior sexual experiences and details and some are not. Seems to me that the issue is that you expressed that you are not comfortable knowing these details and she disrespected that reality (somewhat with your consent, because you did stick around to hear the details).

When you tell someone (especially your girlfriend) that you are getting uncomfortable about something, the appropriate response would be for your girlfriend to stop sharing, inquire about your feelings, and explain to you why it's important to her for you to know what it is she's trying to tell you. Instead, it sounds like she simply proceeded with more talk of her sexual adventures and the anatomical details of women with whom she's been. And her point was? Did you ever truly understand the message she was sending? I think that's where putting your focus will be most productive.

Many people struggle with knowing how to communicate their feelings. Children and adolescents, for example, will often use behaviors, rather than words, to communicate how they are feeling. Mostly this is because developmentally they don't have the skills to express themselves, to decode feelings, and identify and communicate in abstracts, so they rely on actions to communicate. Unfortunately, the same is true for a lot of adults.

A good rule-of-thumb is that you can figure out what someone is trying to communicate by tuning in to how you feel when they misbehave. For example, if a child (or an adult for that matter!) is throwing fits, you probably feel out of control - thus your child is probably feeling out of control and needs more boundaries or more limits in order to feel safer. I wonder if when you apply this concept to your situation, what it is your girlfriend may have been trying to communicate? How did you feel when she shared these details? Were you jealous, angry, hurt, insecure, feeling inadequate, feeling disrespected, or maybe threatened? Whatever you felt, when you turn it around, is it possible she may be feeling this way and not have the skills to tell you?

My guess is that she has some feelings of hurt or anger that she has tried to communicate - about something in your relationship, and she's ineffective in getting you to understand her feelings. As a result of her failed attempts to communicate, rather than eliciting your concern or regard for her feelings, she has only succeeded at pushing you further away, compromising your ability to be vulnerable/intimate with her. Now she's probably further hurt and perhaps misbehaving more, causing you to distance even further.

And so it goes with many couples. We do more harm to our relationship through our attempts to lessen our pain than we could ever do by sharing our respective truths, and being honest about how we feel and what we need.

Break the pattern. Tell her how you feel about what she shared. Be honest. Tell her it's hurtful, that you're jealous, or insecure, or feel upset by the intrusive visuals that interrupt your intimacy now. Ask her what she wanted you to feel. Explore with her what she may have been feeling when she shared this in the first place. Take your communication up a notch. Be the communicator you wish she could be.

I see communication as a mixture of clarity, courage, and skill. I would estimate that communication is 40% clarity (knowing how we feel), 40% courage (ability to say how we feel once we know), 20% skill (finding the words, exercising good timing, and using an effective delivery to express how we feel.)

Be clear, and be courageous.