Alex Blaze

Deep thought

Filed By Alex Blaze | August 18, 2009 3:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: pda

I'm visiting family, which has meant a reduction in the PDA. Pretty much the only way two men can touch in front of others now is through violence (everyone knows we're together, but we got the talkin' to). I think Alberto and I are going home in casts.

Are we doing this wrong?


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They sat you down to tell you you should not be affectionate with each other?

Where's the progressive maenad in you, Alex?!

But if you guys are usually not affectionate in daily life, I suppose some fa├žade to avoid familial tension would cost you very little.

You are funny. So it's tackle football for your whole visit!

Wrong...it depends on many factors: A lot of people don't like PDA's gay or straight. Are the family members you're visiting of the ilk? If so, then yes its appropriate to tow the line especially if you are staying with them. It's like taking a very poor family member to an expensive restaurant while on holiday in your city and expect them to financially participate, just bad taste.

However if it's because your gay and everyone else there is straight and its okay for them but not you I'd say I don't think so. There are so many factors that come into play in family situations and I'm not talking about the I'm out and proud stuff.

I came out 5 years ago and the first time my partner and I visited my parents and he threw his arm around me while we were on the couch talking to them I'm not going to say there wasn't a moment FOR ME (no one else in the room) that I wanted to scream what the hell are you doing! However nothing changed, no one got strange and all was well, we were exactly who we are in NYC as well as my parents home state of Florida. I'm sure it didn't hurt that they detested my ex-wife and absolutely adore him.

Good luck, have fun and don't hurt your typing arm.

You were the gay son they always wanted, and that bitch was getting in the way. Did them proud, and got them the ever coveted PFLAG bumper sticker they always wanted.

Pretty much, know they have a two for one deal.

You don't tell us enough about your family situation for me to be able to make much commentary confidently. However, I do agree with Warren that if you are staying in someone else's house, then generally you should respect their rules. (There are exceptions: they shouldn't require you to do something against your principles, such as pretneding you are straight to family friends, and they should respect your religious views as long as you don't smear them in the face with them.)

And if you have the money, you and your BF are each an adult and the two of you can get a hotel room --- then if the family house rules are too suffocating, you can get up and say, "Well, it's time for us to go relax a bit in our hotel room!" Believe me, you only have to do that once or twice before they get the message!

time. it takes time.

on one hand, it's their house and they should have the right to establish rules. I have to say, I'd stay in a hotel.

who wants to have sex in their parents house? ew.

on the other hand, if you go, stay, get them comfortable over time- and this could take uh... ten years or so- they will eventually be fine with it.

ok, I've been with my wife 19 years and I still don't kiss her in front of her mother. but I hold her hand, lean into her on the couch- everyday stuff. but no lips.

just too weird.

beergoggles | August 18, 2009 7:01 PM

Don't forget that PDAs between your parents should be pointed out and emphasized with a strong EWWWWWW. Also point out and be disgusted with other PDAs between parents and kids, siblings and the husbands and wives of relatives as well.

Eventually the message gets through and if they're too stubborn to apologize, they still end up watching their behavior around you, which ends up being hilarious and quite rewarding.

YES - When you see PDA's at home between non-gay family members, quietly pull them aside and mention, lovingly, how their affection makes you feel VERY uncomfortable, and if they would please refrain from it while you are there.

If they cannot refrain, then you need to go to a motel to BE COMFORTABLE. (Sorry, at this point in my life I simply cannot make myself uncomfortable for the sake of helping someone through the issues they need to address. I feel as gay folk we've PUT IN OUR TIME already when it comes to feeling uncomfortable).

beachcomberT | August 19, 2009 10:43 AM

If your family is treating your partner with just as much (or little) respect as you, then I'd say put up with their squeamishness as best you can. However, if your partner is being treated as a culprit for "corrupting" you, I would relocate to a hotel and cut the visit as short as possible. This occurred in my family more than 20 years ago, and led to my storming out and cutting off contact with my parents for 2 years. Ultimately we reconciled, and ironically it was my partner who was the peacemaker. When my parents died, we were both with them in their final hours and both of us were treated as sons. Good luck.

Bill Mccarron | August 19, 2009 3:23 PM

It is unfortunate that neither of you respect themselves. Why are you making "familys" problem yours?

I guess I take a very traditional Irish look at hospitality and yes guests certainly have a duty to be good guests but hosts have a duty to be good hosts. I personally have never been that into PDAs with my partners but I also don't avoid them for anyone.
I'm not too clear on your situation so I can't say much about what you should do.