How can I convince an older man that he should take a chance on me?
Him: 56. HIV positive. Hot. Healthy as can be expected. Rich.
Me: 24. Cute. Negative. Hard working.
He says things to me like "Run the other way. You have your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who you can build a life with." He is the man I love. The one I always knew I would meet. I know he feels strongly for me but won't let himself go with it. He tells his friends and they tell me that he thinks he loves me but would not wish himself on me or anyone else like me. He won't have sex with anyone who is negative. I'm not winning this battle. My friends tell me to give up on him but I can't. How do I win him over?
He's in love with a GRAMP! (Gay, Rich, Alone, Middle-aged, Positive)Follow @freedom2marry
You are in love with a G.R.A.M.P. (Gay, Rich, Alone, Middle-aged, Positive). GRAMPs are a recent phenomenon due to the longer-term success of anti-HIV drugs. GRAMPs are a prickly lot for a number of reasons and it is not surprising that you are having difficulty with yours.
GRAMPs never expected to live as long as they have, and many of them are mystified by the fact that they are still here while their friends and lovers have died. Many GRAMPs claim to have given up on the possibility of love and say they would actually be rather relieved if their sex drives went away entirely. Some of them can be very bitter about life in general but at the same time be very warm-hearted with men like you. They feel like displaced persons. Not belonging anywhere.
GRAMPs have spent many years just managing to survive, and no one has given them the skills needed to be a high quality older man. They are making their way through it without guidance and with great difficulty. The fact that your GRAMP does not want to share his virus with you is admirable and typical and probably increases your desire for him.
Like all older men, GRAMPs get set in their ways and develop habits that are hard to invade let alone break. You are asking a great deal of such a man when you want to enter his life in such a significant and world-altering way. When a GRAMP tells you to "get lost" because you should form a relationship with someone who is not "broken" or "used", he really means it, despite wanting nothing more in this world than to share his bed with you to the end of his days.
As you'd expect, I have several GRAMP friends. I have tried to talk sense into them with little success. They give me that "You don't know what I have been through" look, and maybe they are right about that, but I do know something about how to redirect and rebuild your life to attain some measure of happiness, so I continue to argue with them and I continue to introduce them to men I think would make suitable partners.
When your GRAMP says he can never have sex with you because you are negative and he is positive, he is a liar and he knows it, and you should confront him with that fact. There are a zillion ways to have safer sex and to make erotic expression without putting you in harm's way. He is really saying that he is sexually insecure because of his age and his virus. He is really expressing his doubts about his worth as a sexual partner. This is one instance in which I would counsel carefully planned seduction on your part. Get the two of you into as compromised a situation as possible and knock him off balance. Be sure that the sex that ensues is extremely safe. Build his confidence little by little with repeated seductions. GRAMPs are like Rapunzels in their towers. They don't make it easy for you to reach them.
Also, with a GRAMP, you should not be afraid of spelling out your objective in clear words because, like all older men, they develop suspicions and fears that are often irrational. You should not hesitate to say "I love you. I love your gray hair, your body in its natural shape, your grumpy personality, your experience, your humor, your strength and your money. I love it all and I love you more than anyone else I will ever meet. If you really mean it when you say you love me, I'm not going to back out of your life and you won't get rid of me unless you get a restraining order." (Also, you can offer to sign a pre-nup, if the money is considerable.)
Just remember that a GRAMP is his own worst enemy. If you can win one over, he is yours for life, so you better be reasonably sure that you do in fact love him very much and to the exclusion of all other options. Toying with such a man would be cruel.