The New York Times describes the battle between the growers of marijuana in the mountains of California and the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department. In eighteen raids, the officers have netted 225,000 plants but have made zero arrests. Recently, illustrating the bicoastal profitability of this illegal enterprise, police in New England arrested a dozen people who they claim are responsible for sixty billion dollars of marijuana trade.
Aside from the obvious absurdity of continuing this ridiculously futile prohibition against pot, I had a brilliant idea while imagining a time when growing marijuana will be legal and regulated and taxed. It came to me fast on the heels of the thought of the despicable pharmaceutical companies getting their hands on this goldmine.
Please call to mind the fact that our government atoned for its sins against the Native American community by giving them the franchise on casino gambling. Those tribes allowed this privilege immediately sat down with developers who guided them from poverty to incredible wealth.
I would propose something similar for the gay community. Let the President announce that atonement for discrimination against us will take the form of permission for gay entrepreneurial farmers to grow and market marijuana.
Of course, some hetero folks eager to horn in on this business will immediately claim to be gay, just as some claimed to be Mohegan or Pequot when those Indians got casinos. Federally approved tests for authentic gayness will have to be devised. This will allow for the lucrative side business of managing the "testing stations". Can you name Kylie Minogue's last hit? What does Jeff Stryker say at the end of the "janitor" scene in "Power Tool"?
A good part of righteous America has serious reservations about gay marriage. Obama has reservations about being too gay-friendly. The Indians seem rather satisfied with their reservations. Give us our own pot-producing reservations and we'll drop our clamoring for marriage and call it even. Honestly, this will make everyone happy. The money we will make on our own reservations will more than pay for our own healthcare system. That solves ten percent of that problem, Mr. President.