We were all watching glee last night- yes, we lifted the no tv rule because Ben had asked to watch glee- it was the end of a good night. The stove had started smokin' bad when I went to preheat it to make some dinner, so we ended up with pizza and a salad.

Happy boys.

And chocolate cake- Morgan really did send me a cake. I loved that. I told the family that Jeanine may bring home the bacon but I brought home chocolate cake.

Jake said, there is bacon??

But as we watched that show, I realized something. This may seem silly but... I realized I'm almost fifty. That in nine years, the boys will all be out of the house. We've been trying to figure out if we redo the garage into a carriage house- something that will require a ridiculous amount of paperwork and permits- or add on to the house, which would be less paperwork but more chaos. In the meantime, we've stalled on some basic things because we don't know what we're going to do and it seems silly to, say, paint the house if we're going to tear part of it down.

In four years, Ben will be gone. My first bird will have flown.

For some reason, it hit me hard. After everyone went to bed, Jeanine and I talked. What do you see in ten years? I've always thought we'd sell this house, buy a condo in Boston, and spend half our time in Ogunquit. Jeanine agreed. We discussed instead of adding on anything, maybe all we needed to do was to redo the basement so the boys could have a 'hang out space.'

I stopped, for a moment last night, and didn't think about how to get through the next day, week, but what was on the far horizon. We no longer have years and years before we'll be on our own. And I know now, there are some things I will not compromise on- I can never go back to Jeanine working in the film industry. It was awful. Never again. I'm no longer so insecure about myself that I have to give everything over to please someone, in hopes they will love me.

Fifty. I'm almost fifty. It's not a bad thing, by any means. More of a realization. I'm not going to find a great career I love. I'm not someone anyone would hire, for the most part. I'm not willing to be an intern of any sorts and my qualifications are random, hardly contactable dots.

I'm good with kids, but please, don't ask mine.

What is next? What will Jeanine's work look like? What will mine? Will we move sooner, if Jake is in a private school? Will we still have the same paint coating the walls of our house?

I honestly don't know. All I know is that we have entered a stage of life that is very different from the last one. It requires thought and planning. I can no longer wing it from day to day. I no longer bounce back as quickly as I once did.

It's new and the same. Mostly, it is the first change of life that I am not anxious about or afraid of. I enter it with an amazing family all around me. I've donned many different hats, tried many different things so far in my life. What feels different is how capable I am.

I do not like change. This time, though, I will be ready.