I agree with Rev. Steve! And yet it's all too credible, isn't it? In the year and a half since I've discovered Bilerico, I can't think of a post that has disturbed me as much as this. The hatred is always personal, even when it's directed at someone else, we still receive it deep in our own hearts, minds, and bodies. Dear Bil! Thank goodness you kept hanging on to life. I've called you and Jerame heroes before (along with your colleagues) for your demo at the Indiana Legislature, but it's no ways redundant to call you a hero again!! Thank you so much for writing this, for sharing it.

I like the word queer, I use it all the time. I have never felt the slightest wish to "reclaim" the word faggot, too much hurt. too much anger!

Wow this was rough. I learned to be able to put an end to being treated this way. It took a few times of absolutely physically demolishing a phobe but it did get to the point where I was safe.
I hope that you have reached a point where you feel safe.

deep and very very moving

unlike annette, i do not have the honor of being your friend.
but i do know that i am not in the least torn between anger and tears: i am raging with anger and adrift in tears; completely in the moment experiencing a myriad of emotions.

we 'met' here the other day: i'm the rabid old bitch of an activist ally.
i thank you for your fearless courage in sharing this with us.
the world must bear witness to the obscenity of homophobia and homophobic violence.
Never Again.
and since it is happening every single day, right now in 2009, i will continue to scream Never Again.

i believe that straight allies have a necessary and crucial, if ancillary, role to play in ending the insanity.
total GLBTQ rights IS the civil rights movement of our times.
and i won't rest, and i won't STFU until the slugs crawl back under their rocks, and it is done.

Our generation did not grow up with positive LGBT images... we saw extremes on TV and the rest were non-existent, hidden and closeted...

We grew up hearing the shame of the word "faggot" and even not admitting it to ourselves, we felt that shame deep in our hearts...

I have a problem with faggots too... and I will always carry scars to remind me... literally and in my heart... thank you for this post...

beautiful piece, bil.

my kids don't say faggot. nor do their friends in this house. I caught one saying that's so gay and after my raised eyebrow look, never again.

Jesus, Bil, you always know how to get my crying.

Gawd. Faggot never got to me in school--mostly because everyone seemed to be called 'faggot' about equally. We had to wear a uniform, and inevitably, all of our uniform tops had that little loop on the back affectionately called a 'fag tag.' I was less bothered by my interactions with others, than I was with my inner demons. When I was called a 'faggot,' I knew it wasn't actually being used as 'gay' but just 'stupid.' But inside something else was going on. I didn't wait til my teens to attempt suicide. Luckily, when I did, I thought I could do it by jumping into the Huron River. Pretty ineffective way to kill yourself, as its more like a creek than a river. When the camp counselors came for me, I chalked it up to just feeling like taking a swim.

I think I did so much beating myself up, God or karma figured I'd been through enough, so when I came out, it went without issue. All of those years of self-hatred, and I had friends trying to defend me to myself when I was coming out! I think there is balance in the world. This was in Catholic School, in blue collar Detroit, in the 90s. For all intents and purposes, I should have been shunned and tormented, not elected to Homecoming Court.

No, I had done plenty of destruction to myself--wishing for death every day from the age of 8 until I was a legal adult. I think its quite fair I didn't get my fair share of 'smear the queer,' that the rest of us got.

Bil, thanks for sharing this. Its impactful, and inspirational. We have to do whatever we can to end the torment that our youth have to go through every day in school. School is a warzone--we have to make it better.

I don't want to be insensitive to these horrible stories. My reaction to the body of this post is much the same as the other commenters.

However, the repeated "I have a problem with faggots" line bothers me. Don't you mean, "I have a problem with the word 'faggot'"? As written, it sounds like you're saying that the hatred directed at you in the past has created problems in your relationships with other gay men, now.

I'm a faggot. I don't have any problem with the word. I'm one of the reclaimers. I respect the views of those who feel the word should never be used. I won't call you a faggot if you don't like the word, but I do use the term for myself. It's not self-hatred. I simply choose to deal with the trauma of my similar childhood experiences in a different way. I love words, all words, and I won't let anyone take this one away from me. It's mine now.

Both of our views are valid. But as written, it sounds like you have a problem with me, rather than the word. I don't think that's the case. I think we're on the same side. We have certainly experienced many of the same things.

What, exactly, do you mean?

Yes, I see what you're saying. I suspected that was the idea you wanted to convey. I am interested that idea and I would like to read it explored further. I worry that it was a bit lost in this piece, however. We were on the same page, but I was using assumption and conjecture to get there. Though your syntax is artful, such a nuanced concept is better conveyed in clear terms.

It's quite a battle overcoming the self-hatred we develop due to not conforming to society's idea of "what men should be." Personally, I detest the way "butch," "masculine," and "straight acting" gay men often look down upon those who are more effeminate. Must we always feel superior to someone, somehow?

Maybe my own use of "faggot" is not entirely healthy. Knowing ourselves is far more difficult than most admit, and self-destructive motivations take a long time to ferret out. I'm lucky I have health insurance that covers most of my therapist bill! For now, it feels like the word represents self-love to me. Pride is acknowledging that I am all of those things for which I was once taunted--and that's a good thing.

I'm glad you draw strength from these awful experiences. I hope one day you don't have a problem with faggots anymore--because at the end of the day, good and bad, we're all just human. We have more in common than we do differences.

Huggs, Bil.

Just huggs ;)

Bil,

The worst thing about old memories/insults/fears is that they never fully go away. I still have fights with old demons and a word is not among them.

The best thing about being through what you have suffered is the person you now are, what you have and what you have accomplished with Jeramie.

Everyone suffers, but not everyone survives. I have been there holding the suffering kid who is scared shitless about what could happen to him in the good old 1970's in Indiana. I know I told you about my lasting shame at taking a baseball bat to a cruising park just hoping to find a "sissy beater" of the day.

Keep surviving

I was really moved by this piece. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.