What's the difference between having sex with a man who tells you he is HIV+ and another that ASSURES you he is negative?

One of them is lying.

You can never be absolutely sure you are HIV neg.

I'm 44. Before 2001 I had fairly frequent sex. I was so tired of safe sex, negotiating safe sex, all of it, that I was very happy to partner up in a mongomous relationship. Then in 2007 he died suddenly in an accident, and back into the dating pool I went. In the last year sex has become so scary, so hard, that I've given it up. And here's why.

1. I learned the hard way that men lie. I met a great guy who didn't tell me he was positive until the third time we had sex. Afterwards. At that moment, I realized I had an open cut on my finger which I hadn't noticed. I had got his pre-cum on said finger. So much for safe sex. Luckily it turned out okay, but I had 2 months of major depression before I got the test. Oh, and we had discussed safe sex when we first met.

2. This was about the 5th such time of worrying about getting infected. I decided that I just couldn't live with this kind of worry any more, I was going to end up with a heart attack. I decided since I couldn't tell who was lying, who knew their status, who thought they knew their status, I just couldn't have sex anymore.

3. What the heck am I worried about? Trying to negotiate actual safe sex. It's different for everybody. I've learned that even if you both agree, the other guy can have a different idea and foist it on you in the heat of the moment. What about cuts on the body and getting pre-cum or cum on them? What about problem gums or canker sores on the tongue or a soreness on the lining of the inside of your mouth? I have this all the time, can it allow HIV in during oral sex? What about a guy getting precum on his hand, not telling you, that putting his finger inside your anus? Or just rubbing the outside of your anus with this precum covered finger? What about him getting his precum on his hand, then getting it on the condom which is going inside of you?

4. Other diseases? I got Moluscum once in the 90's. Just from rubbing against someone else during sex. Again, so much for safe sex. I thought this would be fine. Who knew?

4. Another problem. I was getting my back shaved by a guy I was seeing. He knicked a pimple that drew blood. Later as he was throwing the razor away, he said he had to because he had cut himself as well. That led to another 2 month terror because at that time neither one of us knew if the other was positive. I don't know when he cut himself, before, during, or after he knicked me.

Sometimes the worry got so much I thought maybe I should just get it and then I could stop all this worry. I finally just stopped having sex. The other guy would get angry because I was so nervous. I'd tend to jump whenever his hand went to certain spots, or I'd move away at certain times. I only wanted to do oral with a condom on, which makes lots of guys turn you down for sex. I'd like to meet someone again for a relationship, but men cheat.

Yes, I know this all makes me sound crazy. I'm not, although at times the stress really got me down. Trying to write all my thoughts down is difficult, hopefully someone can make sense of all this without hating me. Perhaps someone can see themselves in my comments?

I'm hearing a lot of black-and-white thinking in trying to ponder all this - when the answer is gray. As a poz guy I'd like to say: Seeking 'negative guys only' is a bonafide and arguably healthy way to stay hiv-negative - provided you realize that it is not foolproof. Nothing is really; and that's the gray of it.
This is an ages-old conundrum now; and it's inherent on all players to work through it as wisely as possible. Abstaining from sex 'entirely' is fine - for awhile. Doing so is a strategy for working thru ambivalence and fear.
And that's the goal - to work thru it AND emerge HIV-negative at the end of the day. 100% of us can do that with a bit of thought and forebearance. And that's what needs to be emphasized - it's a do-able thing.
As a poz guy, I seek to have sex only with poz guys. Yes, it's less hassle at a glance. But even anonymous sex always carries a risk that is just as large as disease. Someone may, might, could fall in love with me - or me with him. My experience is that most negative guys have great difficulty in these sero-different relationships -as do I. Sadly; there are still plenty enough poz guys in my dating pool to make my 'poz only' stance sufficient. Gladly, there are plenty enough neg. guys these days who can re-enforce each other's negative status with - if not perfect - an enhanced chance of remaining negative.

I know I will probably get flamed, or called anti gay culture or whatever, but I am thirty and have only had sex with my husband. We had the discussion, I could not have got it, and he only had oral or mutual masturbation prior to me and was already a year after his last encounter, before we started dating. He got tested. One year later on our one year anniveresary we both had real sex.... well tried it took more practice and a longer fuse, but even than we both used a condom, fast foward a year. I asked him to marry me and the condoms came off. Four years later we are still complete sluts for eachother and we have absolutely no fear of AIDS or anyother disease, well possibly a bladder infection but not yet. We also talked about cheating, if either of us are tempted we are going to talk to eachother first and how to handle it. So no I never had sex without antibody evidence, the talk, the prior history, and an establishment of conditions for bearback (monogamy in our case). I think if more people acted this way, we would not have this constant fear in the community and the numbers would decrease and become more like the striaght community.
I can not say I would or would not date an HIV positive person, it might be "safe" but if he got it from doing one night stand, I do not think I would trust him which means no relationship and no chance for sex.

Hearing from neg. guys about their anxiety and depression around contracting hiv from a positive partner---how about the anxiety and depression those of us who are pozzes experience having had unprotected sex and exposing a neg. partner.
I honestly don't know which is worse.

Guys who lie about their status (not just about hiv but about other STDs too??) Ever have a guy tell you on line he had 8" only to find out when he dropped his shorts and you got out your measuring tape and determined that wasn't quite true??? Kinda makes you wonder if he was truthful about his STD status,doesn't it! I've always thought lying became a normal behavior for us gay men who grew up having to lie about our sexual preference. Little wonder we might also lie about our STD status--by omission at least.

Another issue not mentioned is that condoms, at least for most of us make for penetrative sex that is far less satisfying for both bottoms and tops in terms of physical sensation, intimacy and emotional fulfillment. I think _this_ needs to be talked about.

A solution I have found, and I am not claiming that it is fool-proof but it is progress from my bare-backing addiction (Yeah, that's the right term for a lot of guys who bare-back) I avoid penetrative sex. Have found I can still have grrrrreat sex without it:)

Was actually having this conversation with a poz friend the other day and we were talking about the neg. (or unknown status) guys who knowingly bareback with pozzies. Knowing you are a poz does not deter some guys from wanting to bareback. Think the reason is probably about one or both issues I cited in the above paragraphs.

Well this blog was a timely one for me. Met a guy this weekend. We didn't have sex when we met but we have been texting and talking on the phone every day and later today we are going hiking together. Had decided today was the perfect time to disclose my status to him. Just seems to me the best way to sabotoge a relationship is to disclose after you've had sex.

I think this is a very timely article. I am a 34 year old gay man living in Kansas City, MO who seroconverted 5 years ago whilst engaging in a situation where rules were agreed upon (my having anal sex with a poz guy while I was neg. Rule was he couldn't cum in me. Things going going and I clearly said before during and at the climax, don't cum in me' and the guy promptly said 'too late'. A month later I tested positive. I realize that the behavior I was engaging was filled with risk and I really seek to blame no one other than myself.

I've been on both sides of this issue. I have had irresponsible sex while KNOWING I was positive. I was under the influence of alcohol and the conversation never came up and he tested positive a couple months later. I was the only one he had sex with. The guilt of that put me in a horrifying place. I still, on occasion see him around town at a concert or event and always try to avoid him. I have reconciled with myself enough to have a loving partner now for 9 months. He is negative and we are hyper-aware of these types of situations. Thank you for the article and for this discussion, it made me think and I hope others can learn from the examples in the article and in the comments.

We had a great discussion last weekend about what you put for status on hookup websites. Seems like to be effective guys should consider changing their status to "Ask me" or "Don't know" and then this would allow for discussion about HIV and, hopefully, safer sex practices. Also, hookup sites should consider changing "Negative" to "Presumed Negative". No one is certain with the window period. Overall, treat everyone as if positive or having STD's. It allows for the necessity to use condoms every time regardless of status.

You can't be serious??! I think it's crazy to have sex with somone you know is positive. As a bottom, the risk is not miniscule.. condoms break-it does happen.. and if u don't believe so, check with ur local hospital to see how many men come in to get the PEP after a condom break. The author obviously has a different perspective on sleeping with Poz gay men b/c he is one. My life is important to me.. more than anything.. I think every gay man should take more precaution with their sex lives and not be sleeping with poz men just for a quick trick. Is that one sexual encounter that important to your life that you're willing to risk your life? Hell no. Wake up. Grow up!

What other disease would we be so cavalier about? If it were possible to catch an incurable form of cancer by having sex with someone, would u do it? No. It's crazy. If anyone is promoting the further spread of this horrific and dangerous virus, it is you!