I had always thought that the hug position was related to dancing and it dealt with putting your weight at their center of balance to cause the least amount of discomfort.

Maybe I'm just being the traditional girl that I am and assuming that woman's arms around neck and man's arms around waist is somehow "natural," but maybe it has something to do with the usual relative height difference. A taller man's arms around a shorter woman's neck, and her arms around his waist, just doesn't seem to work that well physically. It would be an awkward embrace.

Really interesting observation about the interaction with your ex. It's so difficult to get full acceptance from people with whom we have a history.

A very enlightening and well written article.
I can very much relate to your experience and feelings.

Thank you!

Thinking of Alex's comment, I think there is a distinction between a romantic hug and a friendly hug. The arms around neck and waist hug is, as far as I can tell, always romantic. When I hug a friend of any sex, it tends to be left arm low, right arm high, duplicated by the other hugger.

I tend to hug good friends. I try to remember not to with those who aren't comfortable with it. Those hugs really are awful. :)

I find that I do that with my current partner sometimes, simply because said partner has a wide girth and is over a head taller, so it's more comfy.

But a friend of mine who's in a same-sex relationship says that the girlfriend, who is taller, tends to put HER arms/hands around said friend's neck to hug/snuggle.

So... I think it's just that most people imitiate a certain form of body language, and others don't.

I do agree that the arms-around-the neck thing does seem to be a vulnerability thing, though; it's easy to make a comparison to the universal female tendency to tilt her head (known to body language experts as "the neck cant") while flirting or engaging in similar "trust me, like me, work with me here" type interactions (therefore exposing the jugular artery, etc.); this is a form of body language which appears to be universal in women across cultures, sexual orientations and age.

That said, a hug in general would seem to be a "trust me, because I trust you" gesture, since you're pulling a person towards your most vulnerable spots while leaving them wide open.

It is certainly interesting food for thought, that's for sure. ;)

You state: "She automatically threw her arms around my neck. And that meant that mine wound up around her waist."

Huh? Among your many other options: You could have put your arms akimbo, or put you hands in your pockets, or used your arms and hands to push her away from you.

All of your psycho-social, political and philosophical reflections aside, your physical choices in the situtation you describe were not as limited as you seem to think.

Huh. I find that when I hug my boyfriend (I'm bi in a hetero relationship) my arms usually end up around his waist, because with the height difference it's awkward to reach up to his neck. My arms only ever end up around his neck when he picks me up in the middle of a hug and I panic and cling :P

When my female friends hug me (a couple of them are the touchy-feely type) I just remain awkward until it's over. It's like I'm the stereotypical teenage boy who freezes and goes "oh god it's a girl what do I do?" Hopefully I'll get past that eventually.

Really interesting post!

The one thing I'm not sure I agree with is the idea that a hetero woman reaching for a guy's neck is necessarily submissive. I think that reaching for someone's neck can be a very dominant move - especially when one does it in order to bring their partner's face in for a kiss. In that way, they are initiating and guiding the entire encounter.

To be sure, that style of hug is very traditional and certainly counts as behavior conditioned through romantic comedy films. But I still think that every case is different, and a woman going for the neck could be a submissive or a dominant move.

Thinking about it I, a short-ish female, sometimes hug one of my male partners, who is about a foot taller then me, like that. When I do, I feel childlike, like a toddler saying "Mommy pay attention to me!" So is surprised me to hear that it is generally considered a romantic or sexual hug, because, for me, it is a needy hug that is more child like then anything else.

Odd.

(After experimenting just now, I when I kiss I hug with one hand above his shoulder on his back, so I can pull him toward me and my other hand wrap around him at slightly below my shoulder level.)