Father Tony

Are You Sex-Positive? Sexual? Sexy? None Of The Above?

Filed By Father Tony | April 15, 2010 10:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: sex-positive blogging

There has been so much bloggular chatter lately about which ads and what kind of content an LGBT site like Bilerico ought to feature. In order to decide where you stand on this rather fundamental issue, you need to look into your whatever-body-part-contains-your-essential-sexual-identity (and that may be your mind!) and own up to the true you.

I think readers will be interested in how you, our contributors and commenters, shake out on this issue. Are we Projectors overly PC and as grandmotherly as some claim? Which Projectors would scrub the site of an occasional nekkid Mormon?

For the quiz, continue.

a) If we were at a casual party with close friends, and someone launched into a vivid and humorous description of the remarkable sex organ/appendage/feature of someone he or she encountered last night, how would you react?

b) When you see an ad on Bilerico for a site called "It'sGonnaHurt.com" and you find that it contains NSFW images and videos of men with extra-large penises applied to the men who crave them, how do you react?

c) If a gorgeous transsexual Bilerico contributor or guest contributor were to post about his/her body parts in the context of a serious discussion of gender dysphoria and include extremely graphic photographs, would you disapprove?

d) If you were at a Bilerico convention at a hotel, and you found yourself naked in the hotel spa same-sex sauna with a few fellow Projectors, would you be uncomfortable with this interaction? Keep in mind that I'm talking about a non-sexual but very physical and perhaps playful interaction. (You may substitute a similar skinny-dipping scenario.)

e) Do you unfavorably judge people whose sexual license is much wider than yours rather than just shrug, smile and sigh?

f) If you are out of love rather than in love, do you simply trash the realm of sexual playfulness and imagery because you think it isn't your world?

g) Or, on the flip side, are you disdainful of sexual playfulness and imagery because you are monogamous and feeling guilty about desiring some adventurous sex without love?

So, my dear comrades, where do you stand? Where do you see yourself? What is your sense of LGBT propriety and what is at the root of it? Where are you found on the spectrum between permissive and prudish? Be fearless. You know I seriously love you all no matter what you say.

(PS: These questions are entirely non-scientific and carry no right or wrong answers. They constitute at best a creaky springboard to discussion, so if you criticize the quality of the questions, I'm gonna shrug, smile and sigh.)


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a) I'd be asking for more details, please.

b) I shake my head side to side in disdain, then quickly click over and take a look. Then give me twenty minutes and I'll be back to Bilerico.

c) I'd take a look and probably pass it on to friends with the instruction- to hey, check this out.

d) I'd be uncomfortable because you don't fuck where you work and you don't fuck the flock....

e) No, I generally ask for advice on how to be sluttier.

g) No.
f) no.

Chitown Kev | April 15, 2010 11:29 AM

OK. I'll take the quiz.

a) If we were at a casual party with close friends, and someone launched into a vivid and humorous description of the remarkable sex organ/appendage/feature of someone he or she encountered last night, how would you react?
That depends on several factors.
If it were said appendage of a boyfriend or partner that would be TMI for me. If it was simply a hookup, I would delight in every excruciating detail of the tea being served.

b) When you see an ad on Bilerico for a site called "It'sGonnaHurt.com" and you find that it contains NSFW images and videos of men with extra-large penises applied to the men who crave them, how do you react? It depends on where I am. If I’m at home , no reaction at all. If I’m on a computer, say, at a public library I don’t mind all that much..
I don’t want to see such an ad if I’m surfing Bilerico during a work break or lunch.

c) If a gorgeous transsexual Bilerico contributor or guest contributor were to post about his/her body parts in the context of a serious discussion of gender dysphoria and include extremely graphic photographs, would you disapprove? Let me think about this.

d) If you were at a Bilerico convention at a hotel, and you found yourself naked in the hotel spa same-sex sauna with a few fellow Projectors, would you be uncomfortable with this interaction? Keep in mind that I'm talking about a non-sexual but very physical and perhaps playful interaction. (You may substitute a similar skinny-dipping scenario.) Answer: No.

e) Do you unfavorably judge people whose sexual license is much wider than yours rather than just shrug, smile and sigh? No. Then again, my sexual license is pretty wide.

f) If you are out of love rather than in love, do you simply trash the realm of sexual playfulness and imagery because you think it isn't your world? No.

I would like to add that I think the bigger issue here is one of assimilation into the mainstream and the sexualized nature of the attacks by prudish opposition (or at least an opposition that projects what I perceive as sexual prudishness...I think their reality is probably very different).

a) If we were at a casual party...

Depends on the context. Probably wince slightly but not walk away.

b) When you see an ad on Bilerico for a site called "It'sGonnaHurt.com"...

I'd think "what a waste!". Sorry, I'm straight and female.

c) If a gorgeous transsexual Bilerico contributor or guest contributor were to post about his/her body parts in the context of a serious discussion of gender dysphoria and include extremely graphic photographs, would you disapprove?

Hardly. I'm a researcher in the area, and it's interesting. It's also extremely important that I know what different surgeons' results look like, so I can dispense advice. While nothing beats a 3D view, photos are the next best.
And yes, I have been in a room where half a dozen of us compared results in the flesh. So we could advise others with confidence.
And no, the person wouldn't have to be gorgeous. I've seen a few trans guys too, one in particular... but will say no more there.

d) If you were at a Bilerico convention at a hotel, and you found yourself naked in the hotel spa same-sex sauna...

I'm prudish, prim, proper, staid, conservative, square... so it would be one of the best things that could happen to me. I need to exceed bounds of comfort, just so I can set my own to saner, healthier levels.

e) Do you unfavorably judge people whose sexual license is much wider than yours rather than just shrug, smile and sigh?

If they hurt others, yes, very unfavourably. If they don't... look, I may be prudish personally, but am not arrogant enough to think my own preferences are good for others.

f) If you are out of love rather than in love, do you simply trash the realm of sexual playfulness and imagery because you think it isn't your world?

Doesn't apply. I fell in love with another woman thirty years ago. We even made a child together. But I'm female, and straight, and have a libido now. She does too. We're both too busy bringing up our son for men to enter our lives. We also want to grow old together, so Mr Right for either of us would be a terrible inconvenience. *SIGH*. We're two gals who the phrase "it's complicated" was made for.

g) Or, on the flip side, are you disdainful of sexual playfulness and imagery because you are monogamous and feeling guilty about desiring some adventurous sex without love?

Adventurous sex without love is all either of us can afford in our lives. But there's one problem. It's a cliche, but there's a direct connection from vagina to heart. We can't just have sex. We need to make love.

Did I tell you that it's complicated?

So, my dear comrades, where do you stand? Where do you see yourself? What is your sense of LGBT propriety and what is at the root of it? Where are you found on the spectrum between permissive and prudish? Be fearless.

In a Universe not very far from this one, I'd be a member of the CWA. Except I'd consider them too licentious.

Let me explain... there is no group on the planet, and I do mean no group, more prudish than the English Middle Class, especially the post-war English Middle Class of the midlands.
My parents moved away from their birthplace, because my mother was one of the "Chesty people" - those from the Chesterfield area, genetically inbred, and my father's family was shunned because his mother had become pregnant before marriage.

This was a group that expelled the Puritans for being lewd. Kissing was grudgingly tolerated if a) it was in private and b) the couple was engaged. Sex before marriage was unthinkable. When it happened, as it did, rarely, the whole family was shunned.

That's not to say that sex was seen as sinful, or bad, or not something to be celebrated... but only within marriage, not outside. And by "sex" I mean "getting to first base". The Puritan custom of "bundling" was seen as utterly scandalous.

Now take one girl, born with a boy-shaped body, and bring her up in such an environment. Add in a society that looks upon homosexuality and paedophilia as being comparable, but homosexuality being slightly the worse of the two. People were jailed for ten years for "abominable acts" between consenting adults. You'd only get eight for armed robbery.

Now make her relatively bright, curious, questioning, and open-minded. Intellectually, she "tolerates" gays, just as she "tolerates" heavy petting. Or BDSM, polygamy, swinging, whatever. Viscerally... she's a prisoner of her upbringing, but hates that.

Now make her a protandrous pseudohermaphrodite, so she changes apparent sex from natural causes, and incidentally acquires a libido that had been suppressed from the hormonal mismatch with her neuro-anatomy.

It was, shall we say, both poetic justice for her priggery, and a consciousness-expanding experience. Now put her in a relationship like the above.

I don't see myself as being part of LGBT. But I don't get a say in it, others who have cis-privilege get to define who I am. But you know what? OK, I may have been dragooned into being here, but now I'm here, there's some really good people who I'm proud to call friends. Especially since they tolerate my homophobia, which is a loathsome disease that's in remission rather than cured.

Now hopefully the next response will be a bit more conventional.

a. I'd probably tease the person.
b. Gosh, you mean we are supposed to look at the ads?
c. No
d. No. Been there, done that.
e. No. Judging others is silly IMHO
f. No.

My perspective is that I come here for the content. Some of it is interesting and even thought provoking. Some of it is boring. You can run whatever advertising floats your boat AFAIC. It can be a tough line to draw and fortunately for me I don't have that job. Best wishes.

To be honest, what kinda bothers me about these questions is that most come from a negative standpoint, almost as if you expect the answer to be defensive in tone. Still, what the hey...

(a) Like others have said, it depends on context more than anything else. And I'd probably laugh and call the teller a liar for not describing me adequately enough. :-)

(b) I'll admit, I'm of two minds about it. On one hand, hey, if it gets you off, go for it: this is why Baskin Robbins makes 31 flavours of ice cream. I find the guys too sleazy to be attractive, so I doubt I'd bother looking beyond the ad. But knowing there's a good possibility these guys are getting majorly ripped off by their producers would make the whole enterprise suspect... and therefore its advertising here just as much so. Yeah, I'm making a judgment call on the producers, but I speak from personal history.

(c) Nope. At my age, few things faze me. That certainly wouldnt.

(d) One of the joys of having a very specific and highly developed kink is that you can be in such situations and not be turned on. My tub-mates would be quite safe.

(e) Right now, this very second, people are having sex. Everywhere, all over the world. No doubt throughout the universe... and beyond, if anything beyond exists.

(f) See (e) above.

(g) See (e) above.

A) Probably respond with equally "vulgar" comments.

B) It's just porn, what do I care?

C) Gorgeous, you say? Why would I be upset about naked bits from a pretty person? Not that I'd care either way. It's just the human body.

D) Dangling penises might distract me, because they're silly looking. That's about it.

E) I'm in a poly relationship with a married transsexual couple, I am in no position to judge. As long as everything is safe and consensual, I don't care.

F) I'm not sure why the thought would even enter my head.

G) I'm not monogamous, so this question doesn't even apply to me.

a)If it's funny? Laugh, probably.

b)I pay very little attention to the ads, so I'm unlikely to notice it to begin with...but if I did, I'd probably just shrug; porn doesn't do a lot for me because my erotic response just isn't that closely tied to visual input.

c) No. They needn't be 'gorgeous', either. (and who gets to define beauty here, anyway?)

d)Sounds like fun? I never have understood the rationale behind bathing suits anyway.

e)No; some folk judge *me*, for being poly. I'm not going to judge anyone for having fun.

f)Um, no.

g)I'm not monogamous.

a) I'd likely join in.

b)generally wondering why I followed the link since I'm a self professed prude that dislikes seeing other people having sex -- but doesn't care if somene else does so.

c) No, but I might not read the article if the subject involves the visual depiction of sex, lol.

d) Um, I shall say only this: get me in that situation and let's find out.

e) No.

f) Good heavens, no. Indeed, I'm more sexual playful when I'm out of love.

g) I avoid guilt at all costs, so no.


And I'm afraid that I just have to note that there's some kind of deep, dark, sinister mtivations that has no possibly positive merit behind asking these questions, which are wholly evil because the person has something or other to do with being evil but don't ask me what because that would rewuire me to actually write lengthy responses that no one would read.

Ok, that last part was a joke, but still...

a) I would listen intently, and maybe contribute a few tales of my own

b) I ignore it, not because I'm offended, but because I'm not a size queen who thinks bigger is always better; on the other hand, if I'm home and the link is to a site called something like "UncutTwinks.com," that's a different story...

c) No, but I wouldn't be interested in looking, either

d) As long as they were all hot guys...

e) No

f) What's wrong with a little fun?

g) No

a) If we were at a casual party with close friends...

It would probably depend on the circumstances, with more detail than just "a casual party with close friends." Or maybe it would just depend on how humourous the description was!

b) When you see an ad on Bilerico for a site called "It'sGonnaHurt.com"...

Are you implying that I followed a link? I probably wouldn't, but if I did it wouldn't bother me. I'd just figure it's meant for someone else. No big deal.

c) If a gorgeous transsexual Bilerico contributor or guest contributor...

I've seen such photographs in such a context. Not on Bilerico, but it would be OK. I'm not sure if gorgeousness would make a difference. We're talking about closeups of bodily parts, right?

d) If you were at a Bilerico convention at a hotel, and you found yourself naked in the hotel spa same-sex sauna..

Not uncomfortable at all, at least not any more. :)

e) Do you unfavorably judge people whose sexual license is much wider than yours rather than just shrug, smile and sigh?

Objection, your honour! Leading the witness. I might not shrug, smile, or sigh, but neither would I judge.

f) If you are out of love rather than in love...

It's been a long time since I've been out of love, I'm happy to say.

g) Or, on the flip side, are you disdainful of sexual playfulness...

More leading the witness! No, I have no problem with sexual playfulness and imagery. whatever my situation.

I'll answer these questions when Veronique and I get back from the sauna. *grins*

I love your quiz, Tony.

a) I'd be the one telling the joke/story.
b) There were actually three ads for XXX sites in that spot. I followed all three back to their respective sites to see what they wanted to advertise.
c) Nope
d) Nope; in fact, I'm kinda intrigued now... :)
e) Nope
f) --
g) Not at all

A. J. Lopp | April 16, 2010 2:14 AM

(a) At a casual party, generally this wouldn't faze me in the slightest. But like so many performances, it depends upon an artful delivery.

(b) I've been over the big penis kick for about three decades. Seen a few, done a few. Yawn.

(c) I'm mildly curious about how natural surgically constructed genitalia can be ... I would regard this opportunity with a totally academic attitude, the way a med student might.

(d) Having run into various people from my outside life unexpectedly at the tubs, this scenario would be old hat. Moreover, I've been in hot tubs where I thought everyone would keep their hands to themselves, and next thing I know I've got someone's fist around my dick and someone else's finger up my ass. Go with it. Yawn.

(e) People whose sexual license is wider than mine tend to be doing something criminal. But with that limitation, another yawn.

(f) Sexual playfulness is a good antidote if one is down about being out of love at the moment. Even Paul Simon sang, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

(g) I don't do monogamy, so I guess I should answer this question "Not Applicable"

I like to point out that apparently there is a big difference between the acceptability of being verbally outrageous and visually outrageous. I routinely post comments that are verbally outrageous, and usually they hardly raise an eyebrow. But post pictures of Mormon teenagers in their underwear about to wank off, and it becomes likely that at least one or two viewers will get upset. I might talk about a porno movie of a woman giving a pig a blowjob, but that doesn't mean I'd appreciate being forced to watch it.

"(c) I'm mildly curious about how natural surgically constructed genitalia can be ... I would regard this opportunity with a totally academic attitude, the way a med student might."

Okay, then click this link for MtF results from a Thai clinic
http://www.supornclinic.com/restricted/SRS/Results.aspx

FtM is not so pleasant, unfortunately.

Regarding a.)? I would shrug, smile, and sigh... and sigh... and sigh... ...and sigh!

a)since they are close friends, i have to assume that we'd all be comfortable with the topic and it would be enjoyable.

b)i can't relate to the desire for extra-large penises, but i don't think i would blanch at the thought of seeing this, either.

c)i guess i'd be a bit uneasy...not necessarily disapprove, but not exactly approve either.

d)that scenario sounds pretty delicious to me.

e)shrugging and smiling sound fine to me. i might sigh in an anticipatory way.

f)frankly, though it's nice to be in love, having it or not never really got in the way of a sexual encounter.

g)it sometimes seems to me that i wasn't made to be monogamous.

wait...there's no "h"??? i thought it was going to go on and on...

i guess i fall on the side of permissiveness. i guess not having a man to call my own has something to do with that.

and AJ...that tub experience of yours has me longing for the opportunity.

A. Probably be amused, though if not, I'd gracefully detach myself from the group, no harm done.

B. Please don't. I sometimes read at work.

C. As long as I'm warned and it's after the cutoff for the RSS previews, I'm all for this. If I get surprised with sexual images, I'll have to segregate this site from the rest of my RSS reading and, frankly, probably won't remember to read it often. If I have warning and it's appropriate to the discussion, however, I can star it and will probably remember to come back to that post if it interests me.

D. It depends a lot on the circumstances. As with A, I wouldn't be put out if I don't want to be in that situation; I'd just go find something else to do.

E. Nope. Their comfort level and choice.

F. No. I may feel bitter or jealous temporarily but I acknowledge that it's reactionary.

G. Not applicable. I'm poly.

In general, I'm hard to squick and try to remain mindful about my emotions. What others do, to me, is their own choice and the only time I'd think to criticize is if it's dangerous...but even then, I feel part of respecting others' adulthood is allowing them to decide how much risk they want to take. I'm not big on the hypothetical of sex-oriented advertisement or content here because I see that as a different facet of the subject and I like that the site concentrates on the things that it does - as well as the previously mentioned point that I don't want flesh showing up on my screen at the wrong time. :)

a) If we were at a casual party with close friends...

Bored.

b) When you see an ad on Bilerico for a site called "It'sGonnaHurt.com"...

I wouldn't have clicked on it. Probably wouldn't have noticed it.

c) If a gorgeous transsexual Bilerico contributor or guest contributor were to post about his/her body parts...would you disapprove?

No. I don't know what extremely graphic means though. A picture of a body part is a picture of a body part. I've had friends post pictures of their top surgery like right after the surgery, which only made me squeamish because surgery pictures make me squeamish in general. But I wouldn't disapprove either way.

d) If you were at a Bilerico convention at a hotel, and you found yourself naked in the hotel spa same-sex sauna...

Not gonna happen.

e) Do you unfavorably judge people whose sexual license is much wider than yours rather than just shrug, smile and sigh?

Just shrug. I don't think it's better or worse to have a wider sexual license. I think it's individual.

f) If you are out of love rather than in love, do you simply trash the realm of sexual playfulness and imagery because you think it isn't your world?

I don't get this question. Are you talking about flirting?

g) Or, on the flip side, are you disdainful of sexual playfulness and imagery because you are monogamous and feeling guilty about desiring some adventurous sex without love?

Um, no? I've always been monogamous and I don't really care what anyone else does. Like 10 years ago I'd feel guilty if I looked at another girl. But when I thought about it, I didn't really want to have sex with her...I was just looking. And so I don't feel guilty about looking. But monogamy comes natural to me.

So, my dear comrades, where do you stand? Where do you see yourself? What is your sense of LGBT propriety and what is at the root of it? Where are you found on the spectrum between permissive and prudish? Be fearless. You know I seriously love you all no matter what you say.

I'm modest in myself, and I really don't care what other people do. I don't even get how crappy musicians can still make a living off being sexually provocative. I'm completely desensitized to it.

But you know what turns me on? Mystery. And in that way, I'm actually easier to turn on. I don't need nudity or porn to be turned on. All I need is a glimpse and my mind. My mind is practically a sex organ all on it's own. Maybe that's why I don't really feel the urge to not be monogamous.