Alex Blaze

Whinny now or forever hold your peace

Filed By Alex Blaze | April 01, 2010 5:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Marriage Equality
Tags: April Fool's, J.D. Hayworth, marriage

I have an announcement to make.

horse.pngYou've probably already heard hints of this, but I just need to come out and say it: I'm marrying Princess.

That's right. Princess, in the picture to the right, and I will be America's first man-on-horse marriage. Ever since JD Hayworth told us that the Goodridge decision that legalized same-sex marriage in Massachusetts meant we could live together in equine matrimony, Princess and I have been talking about making it legal. How could we resist? At no time in the history of the world has the definition of marriage ever changed from one-man-one-woman, so we need to seize the moment in case Massachusetts agrees to recognize traditional marriage again.

We plan on getting a marriage license next week and marrying by the end of the month, before Americans with Moral Values realize what hit them. You see, once gay marriage got legalized there, people thought that no one was going to be affected, that they were just providing equal protection under the law. Little did they know equinophiles (and the horses who love them) would be there, pushing the state down the slippery slope into condoning our relationship!

Our relationship is just as valid as anyone else's. JD Hayworth said, "I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse." What an eloquent defense of our relationship. If we're denied a marriage license, you know who we're calling to fight our case.

Because this isn't just about a piece of paper or destroying the moral fabric of Massachusetts, this is about love. And who are you all to judge our relationship? Who are you all to tell us that this isn't love?

Ever since I first saw Princess, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The way Princess's mane blows in the wind, our shared love of foreign films, and that ass of hers you could bounce a dime off of... sigh. How can I describe it? How can anyone deny the beauty of our relationship? (Beauty, I should remember that. That would be a good name for our first child.)

And my mare loves me. The first time I shared my feelings for her, one late summer evening in a meadow over an oat and apple dinner, she told me, "Neigh!" She has a way with words. W.C. Fields said, "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people." I'm lucky Princess took a bet on me!

We know that as typical liberals looking to upset the moral order in traditional America, people might be getting righteously angry at us. We don't care though - we want our rights!

We're registered at Crate & Barrel and State Line Tack, but feel free to bring whatever - we won't be looking your gift in the mouth. Please RSVP and let me know if you want a fish or carrot dinner. Reception afterwards at Caligula's on 8th Street.

(You may notice that Princess is a girl horse. That's because gay horse marriage is gross.)


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Judas Peckerwood | April 1, 2010 6:25 PM

"(You may notice that Princess is a girl horse. That's because gay horse marriage is gross.)"

You're not the only one who thinks so (payoff at the very end): www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpICsV7l6ss

OMG I wish April Fools Day had come quicker and we could have entered the two of you in that f--king Crate & Barrel beg-a-thon.

you touched on an issue that really has me upset about this story.

i am damn sick and tired of everybody assuming that because i'm with a farm animal that must automatically mean i'm gay.

most people can't even even determine the sex of a chicken at first glance, and it really offends me that they just make assumptions...

Oh, Alex, and she's so pretty!