Note from Karen: Matt DeLeva is a member of the music family known as the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles 
and when he got home from his trip to Cancun, Mexico with his boyfriend Eric Diaz - he sought comfort and support after what turned out to be a painful and humiliating trip. Matt and Eric had relied on a gay-friendly travel agency to select a gay-friendly hotel which turned out not to be gay-friendly at all. I heard about the incident and asked Matt if I could bring his story to the attention of others since so many SoCal LGBTs travel to Mexico.
But this incident raises the larger issue of who and how a straight venue is determined to be "gay-friendly?" Could it be as simple as taking a business' word for it because LGBTs are so happy for the outreach and the advertising? After all, who would want to advertise with a despised community if they weren't for real?
Well, let's be honest - marketing to the LGBT community is worth some big bucks.
Community Marketing, Inc, which has been in business since 1992, says: "Based on tourism industry data from the US Department of Commerce and CMI sample demographics, the annual economic impact of LGBT travelers is approximately $63 billion in the US alone." Additionally, gays and lesbians primarily book their travel "directly via airline and hotel websites (56%) or through online travel agencies such as Travelocity or Orbitz (34%)." But sometimes LGBTS are too humiliated to complain about a bad experience so I sent emails and called members of the International Gay & Lesbian Travel Association to get an explanation of standards by which a company or agency is determined to be gay-friendly, and therefore promoted to the LGBT community. I received an auto-reply that they are at a convention in Amsterdam and unreachable.
So the old adage holds true, even in 2010: Buyer Beware. For all the advertising hype to get LGBTs to spend money - it falls on the consumer to follow up and make sure the straight venue is as advertised - gay-friendly. As Matt asks at the end of his story: "How is one to feel safe booking a gay friendly hotel that is not so gay friendly after all?"
'Gay-Friendly' Hotels Are Not Always 'Gay Friendly'
By Matt DeLeva
Last weekend my boyfriend Eric and I went to Cancun. We stayed at The Gran Melia which was listed online by Expedia as a gay friendly hotel. At check in the man at the front desk asked repeatedly why we as two men would want a king size bed instead of two doubles. He tried to persuade us that two men in a bed was not allowed in the hotel. We brushed it off and were still ready to have a beautiful vacation.
That night on a walk on the moonlit beach my boyfriend Eric proposed to me. I said yes. The next day was beautiful, or at least we wanted it to be. At lunch Eric and I were holding hands. A waiter came over to our table and told us that public displays of affection were not allowed at the Gran Melia since it was "family hotel." When we pointed out the straight couple holding hands across the room he reminded us that it was over the fact we are gay. The waiter became very hostile towards us and I had to step in the way to cool down both Eric and the biggot waiter.
We then went to the front desk and told them the situation. We were promised an upgrade to a suite over our whole ordeal. The general manager of the hotel followed us to our room and told us that the Gran Melia is not a gay friendly hotel. It is a "family hotel" and if we wanted a gay friendly hotel to go down the road. He even gave us a list of other hotels. I asked him to refund our money and we would be glad to make a reservation at one of the other hotels. He said he was not willing to do it. We stayed one more night and barely left the room because we were both so hurt and embarrassed over the way we were treated.
I have always considered myself lucky. I was openly gay in high school and never received any criticism. Continuing through life I have NEVER personally been discriminated against because of my sexuality. This ordeal made me feel like such a second class citizen. The general manager spoke to me with such hatred that it hurt me more than I have ever been hurt. Eric and I are good responsible people who treat others with nothing but respect. We, nor anyone, deserve to be treated that way. We were discriminated, publicly humiliated and degraded.
On our check out the last day the general manager tried SO hard to get every dollar out of us that he could. He tried to charge us for food and drinks that had been included in our all inclusive stay. He made us wait to leave until the room was checked for any damages. And he threatened to call the police if we left prior. He and Eric got into a verbal altercation in the lobby, and he again threatened to call the police. He even came out from behind the desk and got in Eric's face aggressively. I got between the two of them and I told him that the only thing that was thrown were words and you cant arrest someone for that. He told me that in Mexico you can. I have heard the stories of people being thrown in Mexican jails for no reason with no way out and I was scared for my freedom. I paid whatever nonsense charges he threw at me so that I could ensure my safety and leave the hotel as soon as possible. This weekend was not a vacation for me.
We returned home that night feeling sad and helpless. The next morning I decided to email the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles. They are a group of men I am proud to call my brothers. I received tons of email of support and encouragement to stand up against this cruelty. I was put in contact with this blog by John Duran. He and others urged me to share my story. I would hate for others to feel the way I felt this weekend. We have since spoken to Expedia who has removed the Gran Melia Cancun off of their gay friendly hotel category. They spoke to the hotel who stood strong on their homophobic stance, claiming that it is a "family" hotel. This is only a start. How is one to feel safe booking a gay friendly hotel that is not so gay friendly after all?
Subscribe to The Bilerico Project
Leave a comment
We want to know your opinion on this issue! While arguing about an opinion or idea is encouraged, personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please be respectful of others.
The editorial team will delete a comment that is off-topic, abusive, exceptionally incoherent, includes a slur or is soliciting and/or advertising. Repeated violations of the policy will result in revocation of your user account. Please keep in mind that this is our online home; ill-mannered house guests will be shown the door.
My dear Matt. First of all, I want to congratulate you and Eric on your engagement, you are a very handsome couple and an example to lovers everywhere.
I am saddened and furious at your ordeal. It was uncalled for since you were paying guests. Period.
I'll be embarking on a cruise soon, of the Gulf of Mexico. We won't be in a hotel, but one of the ports is Cancun. I'm not booking this trip, I was invited along. I have taken other trips with family members to destinations like Rosarito beach, but will rethink ever setting foot in Mexico again after next month.
Perhaps, when you are celebrating your anniversary, Canada would be a better place to go.
Take care.
I'm so sorry for the truly horrific way you were treated. As angry as you are at the hotel, I think you have every right to be at least as angry at Expedia, who I would consider taking action against if they are not willing to help you out towards your next trip.
Much more importantly however, CONGRATULATIONS! Mixed in with your wretched experience was the mention of Eric's proposal and your acceptance. I hope your honeymoon more than makes up for the proposal trip (maybe Expedia will pick up the tab).
I wholeheartedly agree with these comments. I'm angry for how the couple was treated and thrilled and happy for their engagement. Much happiness and wonderful travels in the future.
This comment has been deleted for violation of the Terms of Service.
This comment has been deleted for violation of the Terms of Service.
This comment has been deleted for violation of the Terms of Service.
I could not help but feel the need to respond to "Elk |". I have been around the world, i speak many languages and i am educated. It was not my first, nor "our" first time to a third world country. I apologize to you and your partner for having to feel the need to hide your love for one another, i take it you are much older and come from a early generation of gay men who lead much different "gay" lifestyles. My boyfriend, fiance, and and i do not nor will ever hide our "gayness". I am a proud gay man and see nothing wrong with the way i live.
way to support one another. such a sad thing.
Here's the thing, the hotel was advertising as a Gay-Friendly Hotel. It does not matter what country it was in. If I say "Hey Elk, come on over this Friday, we're having a dinner party!" I have no right on Friday to say, "Yeah Elk, I'm sorry for the confusion but you're not ACTUALLY welcome in my home, I was just trying to SEEM friendly, and you need to leave." That would make me the rude one, not you for showing up. The same principal applies here. They advertised on expedia as a gay-friendly hotel and then said "Actually we don't allow gays, I can't believe you guys actually took us up on our invitation, but you're not welcome here." The hotel was rude, not the guests. Kindergardeners no that it's rude to be an "indian-giver" adults should know it too.
This makes me think of "gay-friendly" churches. It's just marketing.
Andrew you are such a wimp. Always picking the low lying fruit. Reach higher. It makes me think of Congress, both sides of the aisle.
Denna, have you just called religion "low lying fruit?" Thank-you for recognizing that.
Andrew of course it is low lying fruit. Eve didn't have a step ladder silly boy.
Are you saying women can't climb trees? ;)
If anyone is interested, this place is part of an international chain, owned by a company in Spain:
http://www.gran-melia.com/en/company.php
To Elk: I guess this is what happens when you can "pass", right?
To Matt: my congratulations as well. May I recommend your honeymoon in someplace eminently sensible while outrageously gorgeous... like Vancouver, BC?
This comment has been deleted for violation of the Terms of Service.
To a small point, I agree, but after looking at the hotel's website, we're not talking about some third-world hotel or a little inn nestled by the Great Wall -- and frankly, I think the service you'd get at that little inn would be far superior. However, this place announces itself as an expensive, "sophisticated", world-class resort, catering not to families but upscale singles and couples from around the world. You will find no images of families, let alone children. You will instead see beautiful, toned, tanned bodies. Even, as you suggest, reading in advance would not have helped these two.
I suggest contacting the parent company and let them bring these clowns to attention for this bullshit.
Ah yes, good old fashioned blaming the victim. Always clever. YOu know, you MIGHT be able to make a valid point in there if your post wasn't overtly condescending, pissy, rude, and a host of other issues. How old are you? To be so ok with second class status that you actively tell people "keep it to yourself" is deeply disturbing, especially to see from a reader on a blog like this. What, exactly, were the "rules" that Eric ignored? Where is there a rule written that holding hands is illegal, or even a problem?
I'm sorry but your entire post boils down to "You brought this on yourself. I'm better than you because I'm ok with hiding in the shadows rather than holding my partner's hand the day after we got engaged!"
Think about what you're saying and maybe you'll realize why you sound, as Jonathan said, like a complete and total ass.
Your post isn't even constructive. It's rude and nasty without a point. "Ha ha, stupid faggot got what he deserved". I would have expected something at least slightly more mature than that but, really, that's what your post boiled down to. Hell, you're even advocating that he should have spent the night in prison? Because he was disrespectful? How?
Oh, right, silly uppity me forgetting that existing is disrespectful.
Know what? This line alone: "had a hissy-fit?" was proof enough that there's something very deeply wrong with your post. You wouldn't be angry over being discriminated against? Especially in a location where you were told was accepting?
Sorry, but the guy at check-in doesn't represent the whole hotel. There are plenty of idiots in any business. To blame the entire hotel for the way he acted isn't legit. It's how that problem is handled that is the true tell.
I'm a generally jaded person. I don't expect the best of people. I still expect respect though. Holding hands is not "putting on a display to upset the locals". This couple did nothing wrong. Hell, they didn't even do anything overt. How, exactly, were they poor guests?
Oh, again, silly me forgetting that gay people are disrespectful simply for existing.
Get over yourself. Your self loathing is beyond ugly. Get help before you really blow a gasket.
This comment has been deleted for violation of the Terms of Service.
My family is planning a wedding for one of my siblings in Mexico next year, so it seemed like a good opportunity to send an email saying we wouldn't be considering Gran Melia hotels as they are a "family friendly" location for some but not others. Here are the email addresses I used if others would like to contact them:
calidad@solmelia.com, gran.melia.cancun@solmelia.com
solres.usa@solmelia.com
Like many others here, I'm not surprised by this couple's experience. When we were on family vacations in Mexico when I was a child, my mother would mutter under her breath when she'd ask a question of a member of the hotel staff or taxi driver and that person would address my father, instead of her. They were patriarch friendly.
It's also a sign of progress, obviously, that this young author felt the kind of shock he expressed in his story. He was able to be out at his high school and has apparently had a life where he has not been roughed up by regular contact with homophobes. That is kind of amazing to me. But these issues are not, as some have posted here, (just) issues encountered in the "third world" or Muslim cultures. Surely many -- even most? -- of us here could post similar or far worse/violent episodes of discrimination, exclusion, and public censure. Just a few weeks ago, I wad involved in a heated exchange coming to the defense of some women being harassed for holding hands in public by another rider on public transportation in a major US city.
I wouldn't advise the author to put on his "big boy pants," but I hope that he and his partner come away from this experience by realizing how fragile and new such social transformation is and how much work there is to do, not only in Cancun, but in our own backyards.
I don't understand what the fuss is about. There's not much information in the post to go on, but it doesn't sound like the hotel advertised itself as gay friendly. It just looks like Expedia made a mistake in their listings.
This comment has been deleted for violation of the Terms of Service.
Blaming the victim for the abuse hurled at them is not a truth.
It is merely perpetuation and continuation of the abuse.
In your case, from a self professed member of the same class.
You owe them an apology.
Oh there's a good defense for internalized bigotry: "It used to be worse, so what happens now is fine!"
Sorry, but no. Just because a billy-club wasn't involved doesn't mean this was ok. Just because it "could have been worse" or "has been worse in the past" doesn't mean this is in any way acceptable.
Come down off your high horse and quit playing this ageist crap. You aren't better because you're older, and you don't know who you're talking about. There are plenty of people FAR younger than you who have experience just as much, if not more hostile environments. You don't have a monopoly on discrimination and you REALLY don't get to tell someone to just "get over it" when they're openly discriminated against.
Of course it's adorable that you pretend gay bars don't get raided in this day and age. Sure, it isn't nearly as common but it DOES happen.
Seriously, you were around in the sixties, which puts you at I'd say at least sixty years old (and I'd imagine higher). I would hope that someone of your age would have the sense not to outright lie about their opposition's case.
Nobody is advocating "acting however you want, where ever you want" (though why that should be condemned is beyond me). You are saying, over and over again, that HOLDING HANDS is "acting out".
I have to ask, because this is the logic I'm seeing: Are you a man or a woman?
If you're the latter, what are you doing on a computer? Shouldn't you be making dinner somewhere? After all, you're advocating for gays to "know their place" so I would imagine you follow suit in other areas of life as well.
Continuing off of the fact that you're flat out lying about what's going on here: Who is pretending the whole world "loves the gays"? Very clearly NOT this couple given that they intentionally sought out a gay friendly hotel. Is it really their fault the site was wrong?
Oh, wait, you've already said this is entirely their fault regardless of the realities so why should i even ask?
It's sad how cliche your post reads. It's literally a "Kids don't know how good they have it" message...made all the worse for the reasons given above and below.
Discrimination is discrimination. Why are you pretending it's ok or justified?
You speak the truth? The truth is that this was discrimination. The truth is that the world is imperfect and there's not a soul in the LGBTQ community who thinks otherwise but that does NOT excuse bigotry, or justify it in the least.
The truth is that you're saying the bigots in question were faultless and, even more disgustingly, that they should be respected and we should feel bad for how "Those darn uppity gays" disrespected them. There's an element of in-group loathing involved here that I can't even comprehend for you to think that HOLDING HANDS is disrespectful in any sense of the word. The truth is that you're saying the victims in question were completely at fault DESPITE the fact that they actively sought out a hotel that would avoid such events.
The truth is that you are blaming the victims and there is nothing in this world more disgusting or vile.
Agreed. This is a spectacular showing of the Oppression Olympics and Elk is going for gold.
I'm not in my sixties or older, but I'd put my cases of LGBT abuse right up against Elks. Have I been beaten with a billy club? No. They used a tire iron. Have I been denied help from the police? Youbetcha.
And I didn't even have to go drinking at a bar to have any of it happen. Maybe getting out of the bars - or not commenting on blogs after having been to one - would help focus this issue into what it's really about: One of us was treated shabbily and shouldn't have been.
Elk can rail all he wants about kowtowing to homophobia, but that doesn't change the fact that none of us should be treated differently because of our sexual orientation. His argument is the exact opposite of the "come out of the closet" mentality that's pushed our community forward.
That's exactly it, isn't it? My adviser/mentor/whatever-word-best-fits always emphasizes a single phrase: Visibility matters. If we want equality, then we can't hide. You can't fight for the rights of a group that, for all intents and purposes, is invisible and therefore doesn't exist. By policing each other for being "too out" we're only reinforcing the very bigotry we face from the....I can never think of a better word than "majority" or "straight community" here. Neither fits really.
To Matt and Erik congrats and I'm glad that you are ok and that you have so many to help support you. You make a lovely couple BTW.
I am really saddened by your story. Sorry that you have had to see a bit of unpleasantness aimed at you when you return home to the US. We still have phobes here so there will always be someone to put the home in homophobe sometimes it is even some of the people who put the homo in, maybe it was easier in an earlier time to join 'em if you can't beat 'em.
To everyone else, ok beautiful people ignore the fit throwing, name calling and drama because we should not be rewarding this behavior with the attention obviously so deeply desired. Just let it pass since passing seems to be the recommendation from that quarter. Even adult age doesn't lead to adult behavior so let's, the rest of us, be adults and ignore childishness from any generation junior or senior.
I worked for a couple years as a web developer for several vacation resorts. Most hotels will say pretty much anything to get into yet another travel directory. Some owners, the straight ones, often don't understand that it's not enough that they, personally, aren't anti-gay.
A true gay-friendly hotel needs to have a company wide policy, from upper management down to the housekeepers, specifically stating to treat gay guests equally. If it's not explicitly written in their policy, employees won't know what to do if a heterosexist guest complains other than take the side of the heterosexist guest.
Elk you are correct in much of what you state but surely you know that the righteous indignation of those who have never had their head bashed by a police baton would be heaped upon you for "blaming the victim". You speak of the realities which still prevail in much of the world. Others speak from the safety they have known. Those worlds have great difficulty communicating with each other. I never apologize for the truth nor should you. Sugar coating reality never tempers the blade but just makes it sticky.
Blaming the victim is not about the person who points it out.
Defending the blame being placed on the victim is akin to the same action.
You seek to support their ranking of oppressions, and make statements you cannot support to minimize the value of contribution.
Now you, also, owe Matt and Erik an apology.
They are not responsible for the actions of people other than themselves, and it is the people other than themselves who gave them a dose of crap.
The size of the pile of crap isn't what's important. It's all still crap.
Saying that a small pile of crap being dumped is their fault is not different from saying that a big pile of crap being dumped on them is their fault.
IT's not, in either case. The fault lies with those dumping the crap.
Once again you give me a chuckle. I love your comedy.
I don't really consider what Elk has said to be at all useful. It implies that there is a certain point at which we should just be grateful for the progress of previous generations and any future progress is trivial in comparison. However, even before Elk there was a generation even more oppressed. There was a generation without gay bars to begin with...without a community.
The experience Matt described could've just as well happened in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, USA.
Apparently Elk did not read up on Mexico anyway and doesn't realize that they're not exactly behind the US on LGBT rights. He also is completely unaware that gay bars are still being raided in the US today and patrons arrested for public drunkenness. He hasn't the slightest clue what this generation is facing or has faced.
I'm aware that gays aren't equal and that's a reality, but I do not accept it as the way it should be. And anyway, there isn't a gay bar anywhere near where I live. Oh hey, not all the 30 year old gays live in the same place.
Who listed that hotel as "gay-friendly" in Expedia in the first place? I agree with others that the phrase is only a marketing ploy. Someone in management may decide to bilk us out of our gay dollars, but -- as this couple learned the hard way -- homophobic individuals on the staff can make our stay anything but friendly!
I knew the second that I saw "Gran Melia" as the hotel that there would be trouble. That's a giant company, like Sheraton or Hilton, and they're not ever going to act like a small gay-focused Key West hotel.
My partner and I often stay at the cheaper hotels in downtown Cancun that don't give a damn what you do, but you kind of have to be into that.
Cancun is fairly gay tolerant with several nice gay discos. It's an "anything goes" type of town, but there's always that chance you'll get pulled into an alley and beat to a pulp for gay-bashing sport. Like anywhere, watch your back.
On the other side of the coin, we once stayed at a 100% gay owned and operated hotel in Merida, Mexico (The Mexilio) that was the most hateful and fraudulent piece of crap we've ever encountered anywhere.
Ok, there's a story I'd love to hear (well, "love" in the "Ok, I'm a masochist and apparently like reading things that piss me off to no end" sort of way).
Congrats to the boys in marriage proposal, but they cannot get married in Cali, but they can in Mexico.
Sorry to read about their situation but I find this column by Karen Ocamb nothing less than another Mexico bashing by yet another American imperialist, someone that does know the county well. Ocamb does not want to warn her readers about that ONE HOTEL, but to warn ... "others since so many SoCal LGBTs travel to Mexico." NOTE: Frontiers IN LA travel piece on June 11, 2010 is for Spain and not Mexico - do they not like Mexico?
I am sure similar situations like this have happened in other countries and even the USA but the others don't have an editor friend like Ocamb to write about.
I used to live in Dallas and now live in Mexico, Mexico City where GLBT People can get married and adopt children. In Mexico City if a GLBT person is denied service or entry to a business one can file a complaint and that business can be shut down - really.
The problem in the written situation is not with Mexico but with the "gay-friendly travel agency." The gay mecca for Mexico is Puerto Vallarta and I say Mexico City too. Mexico is very gay friendly, that is why I moved here from conservative Dallas, Texas.
Karen Ocamb needs to get to know other GLBT Latino writers to be better informed and to have a more balanced Fontiers IN LA.
I know people who now vacation in Thailand who were thrown in jail in Puerto Vallarta. The police began a crackdown at the behest of the Christan right (read Bush Administration) in the United States. Drug and gang violence took care of the rest of the gay trade. I am talking about *groups* of friends who used to vacation there who now elect to go elsewhere for sun and sand.
Why can't a LGBT blogger/person/website begin and keep updated a list of businesses - especially travel - that are documented to be ANTI-LGBT, or non-LGBT friendly?
This is not meant to be a boycott; but, merely one way to make sure we don't spend our dollars in a way that hurts our population.
Surely, this would not be a case of libel or slander, as there would be personal testimony.
Maybe one of our allies in the legal field can comment (Dr. Weiss - are you reading?)?
I hate to say this, but the macho culture of the hispanic nations is well known. This includes misogeny and homophobia. I will not visit these countries nor any muslim countries since their attitudes are not what I would consider hospitable. FUCK THEM THEY DON'T NEED OUR GAY DOLLARS.
I am sorry for what happened to you and your boyfriend. I live in Cancún and I know the Hotel, as a matter of fact, they are my clients. I think that you and your boyfriends were having the worst of Mexico, because we are normally OK with gay life styles.
That thing of not giving you the big bed because you are two men... wow, it is the first time I hear it... it looks like from another country, or like so 100 years ago...
I recommend you to go to Puerto Vallarta, you will be much, much better. Cancun is not so gay. Here we do not have even a good choice of gay night clubs.
And to finish this letter, I believe you should work with your thoughts, if you have the slightest feelings that somebody is not going to treat you well, it will happen.
And please, try not to generalize people, I believe that Americans are respectful and that is what I have. Some people believe that getting an American Visa is so difficult but guess what? For me is the easiest visa I ever got.
Receive my best regards and have a long, happy and succesfull relationship with your boyfriend.
Pepe
First and foremost to Matt and Eric, I have a big hug for you both.
For the record, I am trans and I am lesbian. My experiences during transition included verbal and physical assault, constant ostracism, and multiple occasions of vandalism to my car at work so I totally get it. I realized I now had a better understanding of the discrimination blacks spoke of but something occurred to me. Discussing this with a black acquaintance, she agreed. There is a fork in the road and we make a choice. Some take such experiences and allow it to so penetrate their soul that the rest of their lives are filled with anger, sadness, hate, and sometimes a sense of self-righteousness. The other fork in that road is a path of introspection to be more tolerant, compassionate and finding a better ability to forgive, realizing we can use the experience to elevate our own attitude and behavior. Having been judged, how dare I judge others as I have been judged? What brought those who would be so full of angst to where they are and, in their place, would I have fared better?
We need not apologize for who we are and certainly do not deserve to experience being maliciously chastised even by “our own”. For the most part, I believe one changes when circumstances so affect him/her that awakening within forces one to take another look. I have only compassion for those, even here, who feel the need (for some reason I can’t fathom) to be aggressive and judge.
Certainly, many of our comments can be more civil and constructive!